Have I over reacted?

[Bobolbach]

DP went out yesterday afternoon with friends for a 'blackening'. It's a tradition where we live where the bride and groom (few weeks before the wedding) get covered in treacle, goop and that kind of thing. Huge drinking session etc.
DP came home at tea time yesterday for a shower and was completely pissed, but went back out again. I hate his drinking, but try to detach from it to a certain degree, but thought 'It's his friends wedding, and this is what they 'do', so I would just get on with it'

I heard nothing from him until 5 o'clock tonight, when he waltzed in as I was giving the children tea. He'd been arrested for assault while out last night. He's told me he punched 2 people and head butted one and has to appear in court in April.

I'm beyond horrified with this. I've told him to get out and he's gone to sleep in the car (I think). He is saying I'm completely over reacting about it all and 'I've never hit you, have I?' was his response. He then tried to say that he's got to go to court as the others are pressing charges, as if that made it all OK.

He has a major drink problem, and I stress every time he goes out. The last time he got in a fight was a good few years ago, but his drinking is a major bloody issue. Normally he will drink for days after going on a bender, as if to delay the hangover by keeping himself in a perpetual fog.

I'm now starting do doubt my own sanity about this. This is not how normal people behave. I can't bear the thought of the children knowing that anyone (let alone their Dad) can behave in such a way.

I didn't rant at him, there really is no point and he has always managed to twist most things I say. Just told him to get out. What would you have done? What should I do now? He'll just come back in the morning expecting me to have calmed down and it will all be peachy again. Have I over reacted?

[isitsnowingyet]

You haven't over reacted. I'm not sure what to advise, but yes, that does sound bad

[cloudskitchen]

I don't think you have either. Sounds like he needs to do some growing up. Not to mention one punch can kill. He needs a wake up call now before his kids are visiting him in prison.

[Bobolbach]

I said he was a violent alcoholic and that was when he remarked about never hitting me. I think he sees this as just 'oops' one of those things that happens on a night out. The only details he's been forthcoming with is that these 3 were 'starting' on one of his mates. Funny how no one else was arrested then. If it had just been a pub scuffle, he would have been taken away to sleep it off and given a caution wouldn't he?

Christ. What a fucking mess.

[Hassled]

You've not overreacted at all. And you're right re the kids and the example he's setting.

Take your time - think about what you want to happen. But if he sees no problem then it's not going to be easy.

[MerryMarigold]

You're doing the right thing. You are putting down the boundaries. Anything else and you are enabling his drinking. He needs to see he has a problem. Don't know what it will take for him to see it, but if you keep putting up with it, it won't help him. Probably now he is still drunk and can't take it in properly so no time for a proper chat about it. I hope court will wake him up.

[Bobolbach]

I want him to leave for a few days, while I think about things. To be honest, this is probably me at my limit with his drinking. He is a complete nightmare to live with when he's been on a bender, but the frustrating thing is I know he's been trying to temper his drinking - not enough to seek any form of help, but trying to reduce it.

I know he won't leave willingly. I suppose I'm fortunate in the fact I've just (4 weeks ago) started a new job and have a nanny, so don't need to rely on him while he sorts his shit out (or goes on another bender) with the kids. However, if I did leave, it would mean I would have to move. My job is 50 miles away and we live in a house on his parents farm. We've just spent 5 years renovating it. There is no way he would move out and let me and the children stay.

[Lweji]

Good for you.
Make sure you don't take him back or fall for the shit he will come up with.

Your children deserve a good role model and a father who is actually there for them. As you do a husband who doesn't take off god knows where to and who comes home with god knows what shit.

He has a drinking problem and if you stay with him you are effectively enabling him. Let him sort himself out.

[Simplesusan]

This is awful for you op.
He appears to be in denial about both his drink problem and the violence.

There is no excuse for his behaviour and ask yourself do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who cannot control their own actions?


Your children will one day grow into mature adults, unfortunately your dh won't.
If he cannot see how bad his behaviour is them leave him.


I would suggest you go to a solicitor for free 30 mins legal advice. You don't have to make any decisions but they will advise you regarding your home.


If he won't leave then don't allow that to stop you from leaving, you seriously shouldn't have to tolerate this behaviour.

Keep posting on here and don't be afraid to confide in your family and friends.

[Bobolbach]

Thanks for all your kind words. I'm off to bed now. I'll try to deal with it in the morning and see what he has to say for himself when he is sober.

[kalidanger]

What he'll have to say for himself is more bullshit and minimising. This is legitimately Last Straw territory, now he's completely lost control and hurt people due to his drinking.

What else does he have to do to demonstrate that he's got an enormous problem, and that it's only your problem because you're staying with him?

[schnockles]

Another vote in your favour. You did the right thing. My DH is a copper and it takes pretty violent and behaviour to be arrested for assault when the assailant is tanked up. Normally, if it's been a scuffle, they take everyone to the cells to sober up and send them on their way when they're feeling terrible.

I really feel for you OP - your DC deserve to have a more stable home life and their father isn't stepping up.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No you have not overreacted at all and I would seriously consider your exit from this relationship.

Why are you with someone who has in your words "a major drink problem". What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You have a choice re this man ultimately; your children do not. They do not deserve or need a drunkard for a dad. All he is really doing here is dragging you and the children down with him. He's hurt three people and now has to appear at court. He could well end up with a jail sentence.

He will not likely leave as this residence belongs to his parents as well (who may well back him).

If he is an alcoholic then he should not be drinking alcohol at all; him trying to control his drinking is an attempt doomed to failure. Well he's clearly failed.

Where is your own line in the sand, why is your job over 50 miles away?. I would consider moving out now and moving a lot closer to your current employment.

Your talking to him will be a wasted effort; he will just sandbag you again.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I agree with the PP, don't be in a relationship with anyone with a 'major drink problem' whether they are punching people in the street or not. No-brainer.

[EirikurNoromaour]

You have children? Then it's obvious what you need to do, sorry. He thinks you are overreacting because in his world view getting bladdered and punching people is kind of acceptable, just what happens. You need to re calibrate your view of normal because that just isn't. You need to protect your children from the consequences of his drink problem and aggressive behaviour.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

No you haven't overreacted. Not ranting was a smart move as the ensuing row would only have acted as a distraction. Violence or any fracas after getting loaded is out of order - was he expecting you to turn a blind eye? What if he's on the receiving end another time?

Suppose he gets behind the wheel of his car while still under the influence? Or winds up injuring himself?

He needs to get himself sorted out. A drinker always finds a reason. A weekend after pay day, an occasional event like a wedding is an excuse. The World Cup only comes round every four years but I've seen that used as an excuse.

Word gets round a community. You don't want to be So and so's poor long-suffering gf. Your DCs don't need that kind of role model.

[struggling100]

No, you're not overreacting. He's not exactly a great role model for your kids, is he? I think I would be drawing a line at this point, and saying 'Right, you're on your last chance - you either sort this out with proper help from the GP/AA, or I leave'.

Is there any way you can speak to his parents about this, since you live in the same place? Perhaps with allies, an intervention might be more effective?

[mammadiggingdeep]

You have not over reacted at all.

You can't bring children up with a father behaving like this!!!!

If he can't change I think you should ltb.

The assault is horrific enough...but the going out on a 2 day bender...missing family time...getting that wrecked...just ALL of it is no good to you and the dc.

:(

[Bobolbach]

I've just phoned the police station, but couldn't get through to the custody sergeant. The woman I spoke to said it was unlikely that I would be given any details due to data frigging protection!

He's plonking around outside now. I don't trust myself to speak. I'll either start to wail and cry or just lose it.

Someone asked why I work so far away from where we live.. kind of long story, but p works offshore and I was office based. We decided to do this conversion on this mill, and I became sahm. I've been wanting to work for a while, but due to location etc it hasn't been possible to go back to my old career. A while ago the opportunity came up to go back part time and I've managed to get ananny to look after children while I work.

Due to distance, I leave at 5.30am so I can be home for teatime.

[Bobolbach]

Still nothing further from him. He says he told his parents what has gone on, but not sure tbh.

Organised the nanny to come earlier tomorrow so I don't have to rely on him in the morning.

He's now sleeping on sofa. I'm going to make an appointment with solicitor on friday on my day off. Until then, I'll be working and busy with children in evenings so won't have to speak or be around him much, even if he won't leave, which I expect he won't.

[MairyHoles]

Sounds like you are in a really shitty situation, to say the least. When is he due back offshore? Do you think you will manage to stay civil until then? If his parents own the house and you think he will insist on you moving out, then it may not be possible to apply to the court for the usual orders to occupy the home, since you may not have a proper tenancy. I'm sorry there's not much advice I can offer you but based on the local tradition of blackening and the distance from your work which I presume is in the nearest city, then I think I may be quite near you and could maybe help suggest some local places that could help you.

[Bobolbach]

Thank you. I'll pm you when I get chance.

Luckily, his patents do not own the house. It is in my and p's name. Unfortunately, it hasn't been signed off by the council yet, as we haven't quite finished. That would need to be done, not least so I could get half of the vat reclaim back. Prob about £20 K

[Bobolbach]

I have just spoken to fil to check if he'd told his parents what had happened.

He stood there and said he had and that he wouldn't have though much of his son if he hadn't stepped in to stick up for his friend. P told me that a couple of blokes were 'picking' on his friend in pub and that is how it all started. Fil thinks it is funny.

No mention of whether I was ok or not etc. I was so shocked all I could say was 'just wanted to check he had told you' . Solicitor appointment on monday, so will see what she has to say.

[JonSnowKnowsNothing]

They sound like a family of wrong 'uns, tbh and I'd get the hell away from the lot of them.

[Bobolbach]

Yhankyou jonsnow, that made me chuckle.

Tbf to them, they aren't a 'rough' family at all. But they are very stubborn and 'we are always right' type of people. His reaction doesn't surprise me at all. When I've needed sypport in the past, they have made excuses for p, he's stressed blah blah blah. He can do no wrong in their eyes, and if he does there are mitigating circumstances.

Just very disappointed that they are so unsupportive of me, and they do him no favours either by not reading him the riot act.

[Bobolbach]

I've jusr reread the paper from the police he came home with.

It says
'I xxx having been apprehended on charges of assault, assault, assault understand that I am being liberated from custody on terms that I will attend a hearing at xxxx on xxxx blah'

Does this mean he has been charged with 3 xounts of assault? And wtf is a hearing? This is so far from anything I know about it's bloody laughable.