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And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

(21 Posts)
PeanutButterAndMarmite Sun 30-Mar-14 21:08:42

How do you do it? How do you throw everything you have into your marriage when it's going through a rocky patch?

I'm going to drip feed because I'm not sure how much I want to share.

JoinTheDots Sun 30-Mar-14 21:13:14

I do it by focusing on the baseline - I love him, so it is worth putting the effort in.

However, rocky patches have never been caused by deal breaking behaviours on his part eg violence, infidelity or compulsive lying.

Popper208 Sun 30-Mar-14 21:18:06

I guess it depends on how much you want the marriage to work and whether the rocky patch is repairable?

mammadiggingdeep Sun 30-Mar-14 21:19:32

Yes- think it depends what the 'rocky patch' is.

I went through many rocky patches with ex dp and stuck at. It and worked hard to forgive, ignore my feelings etc until he cheated.

PeanutButterAndMarmite Sun 30-Mar-14 21:20:20

He hasn't done anything, he's lovely and yes, I do love him. I hate myself for it, but I'm attracted to someone else. I need to get my act together and focus on how fucking lucky I am to have what I have, rather than letting my knickers do the thinking.

I've read on here how people just throw themselves into their marriage and get over it. I can't seem to.

readyforno2 Sun 30-Mar-14 21:21:00

You need to decide for yourself how much you want the relationship to work.

PeanutButterAndMarmite Sun 30-Mar-14 21:22:56

I need the relationship to work. Too much invested for it not to.

MorrisZapp Sun 30-Mar-14 21:23:00

Maybe try to imagine explaining to him that you're leaving him for somebody else. How he would feel, how you would feel. Saying goodbye to him, packing up your belongings etc. Watching him moving on and meeting somebody else too.

Is that what you want?

RandomMess Sun 30-Mar-14 21:23:29

What is your marriage lacking and what can be done to address it? If you were blisfully happy you wouldn't be struggling as much as you are.

Have you just grown apart, emotionally disconnected? If so that's what you need to work on and get your dh on board to do so too.

PeanutButterAndMarmite Sun 30-Mar-14 21:27:28

He's my best friend, I'm not attracted to him, but am comfortable enough with him for the sex to be fine even after 10 years.

We couldn't stay just friends as he wouldn't let me have boyfriends (before we were a couple) and I didn't want to be without him as a friend.

PeanutButterAndMarmite Sun 30-Mar-14 21:29:02

I wouldn't mind him being with someone else if we could still be close friends, but that'll never happen.

MorrisZapp Sun 30-Mar-14 21:31:57

I've never heard of a situation like that. You were close friends, he wouldn't let you go out with anybody else, so you got together with this, and still consider him a close friend and nothing else?

That doesn't sound at all healthy. Does he know you feel this way about him?

PeanutButterAndMarmite Sun 30-Mar-14 21:34:03

I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis (only 33). I'd be an idiot to chuck it all in.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 30-Mar-14 21:35:01

Do you have dc together?

PeanutButterAndMarmite Sun 30-Mar-14 21:35:59

It's always been an odd relationship, but it's worked well over the years. It's only now that the temptation is getting the better of me that I'm questioning it.

PeanutButterAndMarmite Sun 30-Mar-14 21:37:06

I have an 11yo DS from a previous relationship, and we have a 4 yo DD together.

PeanutButterAndMarmite Sun 30-Mar-14 21:38:09

We're financially very entwined too.

MorrisZapp Sun 30-Mar-14 21:40:22

Had you had boyfriends you were attracted to in the past? Did you not really know what attraction was?

I can't see this marriage working in the long term, sorry. Even if you resolve to ignore your current attraction, there will be more in the future. Your feelings towards your DH aren't going to change after all this time.

Is it because you have kids that you want to stay together?

JoinTheDots Sun 30-Mar-14 21:43:48

If you have decided that you want to work on the marriage then you need to go no contact with the person you are attracted to, and start working on the relationship you have - finding whatever it is you have lost which has led you to start considering another person. Think long and hard about the pain it would cause if you acted on your attraction, and make sure you are putting the time and effort into your marriage.

However, you describe your relationship as odd, and you say you are not attracted to your husband, so maybe you need to think about how important it is to keep this man as your other half just so you can keep him as your best friend. You only live once so it would be a shame to work on something which you do not really want to maintain.

PeanutButterAndMarmite Sun 30-Mar-14 21:44:24

I've had lots of relationships with great chemistry in the past, but found that once I've "got it out of my system" then I'm not really interested any more. I figured if there wasn't really to start with then it wouldn't fade. And he really is lovely, he's sitting opposite me playing the guitar and singing me songs sad . I would be very very unhappy without him. I wouldn't want to out the DCs through the trauma of splitting up and moving.

PeanutButterAndMarmite Sun 30-Mar-14 21:47:31

I decided to go as NC as possible today (we work together so not possible to not talk or see each other at times). I met up with him tonight to stop things once and for all. It hurts. He won't try and make any contact out of work.

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