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Newish DP rarely says he loves me, but IMO acts like he does. Should I worry!

(14 Posts)
letsbehonest100 Sun 30-Mar-14 19:15:36

I've been with DP for 9 months. Known him years but only got close after I split with EX.

EX was not a good partner. It took me a long time to realise it was 'him not me'. He is extremely selfish, his world revolves around him and I ended up being the breadwinner, homemaker, primary childcarer etc while he cocklodged and prioritised his friends and sports over me and our DS. I mention him because it feels relevant that I spent 10 years allowing myself to be stuck in a very shit situation.

New P is a breath of fresh air, he is kind, funny, interested in my life, considerate, great in bed, a brilliant listener, and we share common interests. I feel incredibly lucky to have him in my life. Simply having someone genuinely interested in my day is a complete revelation. I feel incredibly lucky, he takes my breath away.

He is a sensitive man, and is open about most things. However, we haven't discussed 'feelings'. I feel preprogrammed to expect to be let down and I'm struggling not to let the fact he rarely says he loves me bother me.

We've slowly built up the time we spend together until we now spend most nights at my or his house. We had a brilliant week away in February with mutual friends and kids. He's asked DS and I to join him on his family holiday in the summer (I am friends with his sister so it sounds brilliant). He regularly cooks for me (and DS when he's at home). He listens to my worries and genuinely tries to help. He's very physically affectionate..... I could go on but I guess that what I'm saying is that he acts in what feels to me like a very loving way.

He only says he loves me when we are having sex, to be fair I only say it during sex also. I just don't think I could face the feeling if rejection if I said it to him and he didn't respond......

I have tried very hard not to fall head over heels because I know I am quite fragile. However, to be fair he's not put a foot wrong and seems to always want to be with me. I've made sure I keep other areas of my life as full as possible as I'm forever worried about loosing him.

Am I being ridiculous? Or is this a red flag?

Lottiedoubtie Sun 30-Mar-14 19:19:09

I don't think it is in itself a red flag.

I think you should talk to him about it! Communication is really important- and how he deals with it will tell you whether there is a red flag worth worrying about or not. Fwiw, from what you've written I wouldn't be worried, but then it was more than 9 months before I told my DH I loved him, I tell him all the time now though grin

BagOfBags Sun 30-Mar-14 19:23:29

No, I think you'd have more need to worry (from personal experience) if he's constantly telling you he loves you but not acting like it.

WeAllHaveWings Sun 30-Mar-14 19:29:30

dh of 23 years has told me he loves me twice I think, both within the first few months of dating, also maybe once after ds(10) was born.

for me actions speak louder than words. there are many people out there that casually say the words and don't mean them.

but if you want to hear it why not just take the risk out of the bedroom and tell him you love him and see how he responds, he sounds lovely, I'm sure he'll tell you what you need to know.

Lweji Sun 30-Mar-14 19:31:39

I don't think it is a problem, if he is that great and you actually feel loved.

wyrdyBird Sun 30-Mar-14 19:38:40

If he frequently said he loved you, yet acted like your Ex - that would be a concern.

But this man sounds lovely. You've only been together 9 months. Why not have fun and just see how it goes :-)

Deathwatchbeetle Sun 30-Mar-14 19:44:01

Actions definitely speak louder than words. Any fool can say he loves you but just not follow through with actions. He sounds like a great guy.

LineRunner Sun 30-Mar-14 19:49:07

It sounds like a loving, respectful relationship. He tells he loves you when you are at your most intimate. That's a sweet thing.

I agree that actions mean more that words when it comes to day to day living.

letsbehonest100 Sun 30-Mar-14 21:01:46

Thank you all for your reassurance.

I do feel loved, but I made a major error of judgement with EXP and I'm wary of trusting my judgement.

I'm not sure I'm able to bring it up with DP. I do feel that we usually communicate well, so I'm possibly being ridiculous- I just don't feel ready or able to ask for this type of reassurance. It would make me feel laid bare, and needy. I'm really hoping that its a case of actions speaking louder than words, I think it would be unfair to suggest he should be telling me he loves me- he needs to do things his own way, not mine.

Lweji Sun 30-Mar-14 21:04:39

Didn't your ex show any red flags.

And by the way, saying I love you too soon can be a red flag. smile

BikeRunSki Sun 30-Mar-14 21:05:38

Actions speak louder than words

jamaisjedors Sun 30-Mar-14 21:09:11

He sounds lovely.

DH very rarely says it but we have been together for nearly 20 years and I know he does, even if occasionally it would be nice to hear it!

WitchWay Sun 30-Mar-14 21:14:35

My DH tells me he loves me a lot, several times a day, but doesn't show me that he does sad I'd prefer it the other way round sad

Smartiepants79 Sun 30-Mar-14 21:22:22

I love my husband. I rarely tell him that. It's just my way. I will when I feel it so strongly I can't stop myself.
I firmly believe that actions speak louder than words.
The words can be overused and meaningless.

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