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Thinking of going NC with the in-laws not sure if its the right decision?

(12 Posts)
Littlegreenburger Sun 30-Mar-14 18:37:13

Been married 8 years together 10 and have 1 child.
We've always rubbed along ok not very close but ok. It's got to the point now where I find so uncomfortable whenever we have to see them. At this point I'm struggling to even make conversation with them.
I've told dh that I think its best he saw them just with dc in the future but I think he will just end up not seeing them which isn't what I want and I would feel guilty over. There isn't a big incident or argument it's just obvious they don't like me (even other people have pointed this out so its not me being paranoid) it's just looks I get or little digs so to dh it looks like nothing but it's hurting me and I feel like I've given up trying now

Littlegreenburger Sun 30-Mar-14 18:37:39

I mean me and inlaws rubbed along ok

ivykaty44 Sun 30-Mar-14 18:39:14

if it makes your life more pleasant then it is the right choice. I wouldn't want to spend time that outwardly showed there dislike for me, it would be draining and no need to make an effort if they are going out of their way to be unpleasant

JaneinReading Sun 30-Mar-14 18:40:25

He can't think much of his parents if would not then bother to see them. Could you not arrange the visits to make sure he does see them even if you don't go?

Also could you record a meeting and show him later proof of the little digs so you could both together assess if there really is an issue or not?

What sort of little digs?

MorrisZapp Sun 30-Mar-14 18:41:32

I don't get the whole 'NC' thing on here, as if it was a thing. You don't get on with them, why would you bother seeing them. No need to make any grand statements or gestures.

Littlegreenburger Sun 30-Mar-14 18:56:18

I wouldn't be telling them I was going Nc Morris but I would just be out when they come over or 'busy' a lot.
The digs are veiled but often about money and me being a sahm. They don't actually speak to me very much mainly dh I used to be a lot more chatty with them but since Xmas I've really struggled to make any conversation with them.

Mintyy Sun 30-Mar-14 18:58:49

Yes, Morris, "going no contact" is a new one on me. Like its a rite of passage and everyone knows what is meant by it.

Littlegreenburger Sun 30-Mar-14 19:08:51

Maybe NC was used wrong in this case I'm basically saying that I won't be actively inviting them out or visiting them as I've always done think I will probably still have to see them over christmas and on my child's bday

Deathwatchbeetle Sun 30-Mar-14 19:35:39

Even if you recorded a conversation and it was obvious to you I doubt hubbie would 'get it', then can be rather dense! As you say, it is best to be rather busy or not at home when they visit you and your lot visit them. I don't know that they have anythingto complain about if hubbie still goes there with the children. Your kids (if old enough) might come home with remarks from them, but who cares if you never see them again, unless you have to go over for holidays etc.

MistressDeeCee Mon 31-Mar-14 00:38:41

Well stop seeing them then. Life's too short to put up with people who are unpleasant to you. They're not your parents. If you do continue to see them do you think in 10 years time you will be happy that you've continued to go along with a situation thats made you unhappy for years? Just see them a lot less, avoid when you can. Even if they eventually comment on it (although perhaps they won't as they're unlikely to miss you given you don't get on), so what? You're not under their control.

Meerka Mon 31-Mar-14 11:03:26

if they are unpleasant to you, therés no reason to keep trying. No need to make anything formal, just stop making the effort.

If your husband does not make an effort to see them either, then it is not your duty to. Family is very important, but the reality of the dynamics are that it's not working and the responsibility is not yours only - in fact, there's reason for you not to try.

if even other people can see their digs, btw, your husband should certainly be able to. But really since he doesn't seem like the sort ot make a big effort, then it shouldn't be a problem.

I can see that it might be a wrench for yoru children not to see their grandparents but you cannot be expected to be the one to make the effort if they are unpleasant to you. The ball will then fall in their court and that's just fine. If they don't make the effort, then tbh I doubt there was all that much there in the first place. If they do then good, that can continue.

The alternative is actually speaking to them plain and directly and having it out with them. At a guess they'd deny it and you'd probably not be much worse off, there's still no reason for you to make an effort given their attitude and who knows, they may actually change.

By the way, I woudlnt be totally surprised if your children pick up on something of the atmosphere going on. You can't be comfortable around them.

cloggal Tue 01-Apr-14 10:58:04

I'm "NC" with my inlaws but then so is DH, as it is primarily him their behaviour is aimed at (emotional abuse over many years).

You haven't said much of what's happened but I agree with the posters who say if they can't be civil and behave then you've no obligation to them. If it is bad enough for you to consider cutting them off though just make sure you an DH have thought it through as it has lots of consequences and you need to be prepared.

I put "nc" in quote marks because I had never heard of the phrase before MN even though I was in the process of doing it - I think it is helpful as it demonstrates a clear boundary line in the sand, it doesn't necessarily mean a grand gesture. We just stopped. No more fighting or trying - just silence.

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