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Husband changed and gone cold, found out about escorts etc

(23 Posts)
oxfordemma78 Sun 30-Mar-14 18:14:54

Hi I am 35 and my husband is 43 we have been married since 2002 and we have 3 children aged 15 12 and 6. i found out 2 years ago when my husband works away he was calling and arranging to meet other women. I found this on his work mobile and work laptop. he was pretending to me he needed to stop away with work and he wasnt. he was meeting these women and paying them. we split for 6 months nearly and it was a long time but for some reason i agreed to take him back. he fooled me he was sorry and he was nice and polite and kind, the past two years this has gradually changed and he has now gone back to the angry selfish man he was before. the past two months he has been very cold with me. he comes home from work about 6pm-7pm eats the dinner i have made and goes directly to bed, he leaves at 6am to go to work. at weekends he comes home on the friday about 6 and apart from when he eats the food i make i dont see him. if he goes out he goes out for hours to do small tasks, like get stamps etc. he used to call me a dozen times a day and text me. now he does nothing. hes always on his work phone texeting and emailing and on the tablet i got him for xmas. 6 weeks ago he was away for the half term week working away, I suggested i go with him as my mother would have the kids, and he actually looked repulsed at the idea. he used every lame excuse in the book that i couldnt go. i home school the youngest two, and despite me saying its half term, he said i couldnt go because of the home schooling! and other excuses. on the thursday he called me and said he had to work overtime on the friday in london, i later found out he wasnt paid for this "over time" he phoned me about 3pm on the friday and told me he had got to the london hotel, and despite me calling and texting him lots of times he didnt get back to me until after 10am on the saturday morning. he said he had just gone to sleep. he told me he had got scratched and bruised at work on the phone, just blurted it out, sounded odd. he came home after about 6pm, this is 6 weeks ago, since then he has been really cold and angry at me, ive not been able to go near him. his work receipts show he wasnt in london at all. he was in peterborugh, near where he used to work. meaning he has spent out money on a hotel etc. he had nearly 500 pounds for his birthday and xmas and thats all gone. on nothing to show for it. (from his family not me). that week despite all the time ive known him just wearing boxer shorts, he wore shirts and a jumpers around the house, and he didnt want me near him all that week. covering up these so called scratches. he keeps his mobile locked and the laptop and tablet locked. they are all locked with a password, pass code and finger print. i know he lied to me and he wasnt where he said he was. the receipts dont lie. he doesnt even want to be in the same room as me. he then was on the phone to a work colleague and told them he got scratched and bruised earlier in the week, and hes not told them he worked over time and thats really odd. he speaks to them all every day for hours at a time. I cant even talk to him or look at him in the face. I know he lied to me. he criticises my food, the way i do the house, and anything i do. all this has made me ill. firstly i was blaming myself. then took me ages to realise it was his choice to do this. this is my first post really here. i dont know what to do. been feeling so ill. we have 3 disabled children and i am disabled myself. I do it all anyway so wouldnt lose anything if he left. he doesnt help or do anything around the house. thanks for reading the essay x

AnyFucker Sun 30-Mar-14 18:16:10

All the answers you need are in your opening post.

RedRoom Sun 30-Mar-14 18:51:05

My god. My assumption would be that he is still paying for sex, the rough type, and staying in hotels to do so. I can't see any other explanation. His behaviour is abhorrent. This man gives you nothing, absolutely nothing. No companionship, no love, no support, no emotional intimacy or closeness. In fact, I'd go so far as to say he is a disgusting, selfish, self-absorbed pig who deserves to be kicked out. How dare he think it's okay to sleep with prostitutes and come home, eat dinner in silence and then ignore you? What does he think it is- a bloody hotel? I think the first thing you should do is visit your GP because you say that this is making you ill and you need some help to deal with the very high levels stress that you are experiencing. Do you have a close friend or relative that you can confide in?

DrankSangriaInThePark Sun 30-Mar-14 18:55:40

Well, it's all bollocks isn't it? He isn't working late and not getting paid. He's shagging someone. He goes away for work = has a mini break with someone.

You do know all this, don't you?

Lweji Sun 30-Mar-14 19:10:12

Why are you with him?

curiousuze Sun 30-Mar-14 19:13:08

Well first of all, stop cooking for the utter fucker.

Paintyfingers Sun 30-Mar-14 19:14:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallwivglasses Sun 30-Mar-14 19:17:07

Unless you fancy adding some ex-lax...

Hedgehead Sun 30-Mar-14 19:20:19

I am sorry that you are being treated this way. Nobody deserves this treatment. Some very unlucky animals get ignored/neglected/abused/belittled by the people who are supposed to be close to them - and even they get "rescued" by people looking to protect them.

You want him OUT, ASAP.

Don't kid yourself that you will never find someone else - you will be surprised, you WILL, and much better than him.

Lweji Sun 30-Mar-14 19:23:44

Or rather, what is preventing you from leaving?

sooperdooper Sun 30-Mar-14 19:26:37

You've said it yourself, you'll lose nothing if her left, but you'll gain a whole new life without him

He's disgusting, he's lying to you, you deserve better, your children deserve better, tell him to leave, the sooner the better

Deathwatchbeetle Sun 30-Mar-14 19:27:16

You need to go to get checked over for STDs, then chuck him out.

sooperdooper Sun 30-Mar-14 19:28:43

Oh, and I'm sorry to have to say this, but if you've been sleeping with him you should go to the doctors to check he hasn't passed on anything to you sad

Cabrinha Sun 30-Mar-14 19:43:52

You poor thing. You did it before - do it again, get rid of him. Well done for doing it before! It will be easier this time. Can you speak to Women's Aid for advice and support?

The scratches and bruises...
Rough sex is a possibility.
So is sleeping with someone not a prostitute and getting caught by their partner, and hit for it.
Also... Look, he doesn't respect women. Men who use prostitutes don't, but it's clear anyway from the way he treats you that he doesn't.
A huge % of prostitutes have been assaulted, physical and sexually. That means a large number of punters do that. I think it's certainly a possibility that he assaulted a prostitute.
Rough sex by choice is one thing - but it would be agreed and paid for - and would he agree something visible to work colleagues?
I think it's a possibility he has assaulted someone.
Don't let it be you next time sad

morethanpotatoprints Sun 30-Mar-14 19:51:12

Why stay with him OP.
You are worth far better than this and you know it.
What a horrible man and I'm sorry but a bad dad too.
What father who didn't have to work would go away for a week and not see there dc. He sounds like he has no time for them either.
I am so sorry you are going through this, thanks for you.

YellowTulips Sun 30-Mar-14 20:04:16

He is bring unfaithful. He is no practical help around the house. He treats you with distain.

However you feel now you'll feel a lot better when you seize control, shore up your dignity and get this oxygen thief out of your life.

Go see a solicitor and get an appointment with an STI clinic. Tell him to move out.

Wrapdress Sun 30-Mar-14 20:14:36

Don't get bogged down in the details of what exactly he may or may not be doing outside the home. You need to leave just on how he treats you.

I am sorry to hear of your position. He is showing no respect and uses your family money on these women which you could be using for extra help if he is not helping you.
I think you should go and make an appointment with a solicitor. This would be seen as unreasonable behaviour.

diamond457 Sun 30-Mar-14 20:26:16

This is'nt a marriage. He has no respect for you or anyone by the sounds of it and he is a dirty lieing rat who doesn't deserve you.
Stop cooking for the bastard and let him fend for himself.
You cannot possibly live in the same house as a man who hides things from you such as passwords etc. You could never trust him again! Why would you want to go near him when hes been with prostitutes!?
Have some self respect and get out! Hold your head high and bring your children up without him. Sounds like he wouldn't bother with his kids anyway. With three disabled children and your own disabilities he should be doing far more! If hes not happy with your dinners, don't cook for him.
You have a whole new life without him to look forward to. Please leave him.

WitchWay Sun 30-Mar-14 20:34:15

Do you still want to be married to him after this new betrayal? Take legal advice, protect your finances & get out.

qazxc Sun 30-Mar-14 20:45:40

He is being emotionally/mentally abusive and very probably cheating on you. You and your children do not deserve to live in this environment. He clearly does not think he is doing anything wrong/is not sorry. I would start planning your separation.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 30-Mar-14 20:53:39

You split once. You CAN do it again. What a horrible man.

JuliaScurr Sun 30-Mar-14 21:08:01

thanks for you
because you're worth it

rightsofwomen.org.uk

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