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Love to all Stately Homers / daughters of toxic mothers on M Day xxx

(24 Posts)
jannaofthejungle Sun 30-Mar-14 14:30:26

I have had 5 lovely home made cards today.One each from my lovely dc.
Thinking sadly about my relationship with my own m,I realised that I have had more useful and caring "mothering" over the past few years from posters on this board.

Many nc's ago, I was able to leave an abusive relationship with support from MN. Following this, it was Stately Homes and other threads - mine and other posters - which helped me to realise how my relationship with my own p's was actually more toxic than any of my "relationships" with men had been.

I am virtually NC now and that is something which has got easier.
However,today, I am aware that my inner hurt child is feeling sad ,despite all the happiness I have with my own dc.

I want to say THANK YOU to all the lovely posters on this board who have enabled me to get to this point in my life.

I can't name check everyone as the list would be too long,and anyway,some have now nc'd or disappeared.But - Garlic,Anniegetyourgun,AF,Reality,SGB and all past and present StatelyHomers and the old NPD threads - love you x

And love to everyone who is finding M Day sad for similar reasons. xxx

fedthefuckupnowwhat Sun 30-Mar-14 15:22:17

today, I am aware that my inner hurt child is feeling sad

Me too. Like mourning the mum you never had?

jannaofthejungle Sun 30-Mar-14 15:47:13

Yes that's it exactly fed x

fedthefuckupnowwhat Sun 30-Mar-14 15:55:53

It's bizarre, isn't it? I feel that I miss her, but it's not really HER I miss. Rather, it's having a mother that I miss.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 30-Mar-14 15:57:31

Happy Mother's Day. Allow yourself to feel sad but continue to enjoy your beautiful dc...continue to look to the future

flowers

jannaofthejungle Sun 30-Mar-14 16:01:25

I will be 46 this year. I'm very glad to have got this far and to be out of the fog at last.
And so glad my dc will not have to have this feeling about me when they get to my age.
Thanks for the flowers mamma

outtheothersidefinally Sun 30-Mar-14 16:08:38

Well said. Similar here. Well done for facing it... I'm still at the stage where the truth hurts rather than setting me free, but getting there. My beautiful dd and seeing childhood through her eyes, while digging deep to give her what I never had, all helps my healingsmile

MrsSippie Sun 30-Mar-14 16:11:08

I need to join the sh thread - my mother is here but it is very hard for me. I can't do this for much longer. My sister is nc and tries to get me to do the same but the guilt would torment me.

hamptoncourt Sun 30-Mar-14 16:14:04

Happy Mothers Day!! I am NC and feel no guilt whatsoever.

I got lovely cards and pressies from my own DC, but was hurt to see DD had bought a present for Toxic Gran. I so regret letting my mother get close to my DC as she has done dreadful damage to my relationship with my own DD.

Still, onwards and upwards.

fedthefuckupnowwhat Sun 30-Mar-14 16:28:58

jannaofthejungle Congrats. How long have you been NC?

the guilt would torment me.

It does, but only for a short time (say a few months at most). The reward is so worth it. Your sister is wise.

I so regret letting my mother get close to my DC as she has done dreadful damage to my relationship with my own DD.

So sorry to hear this sad This is one of the reasons I went NC on my eldests 2nd birthday - before she could get sucked in. She doesn't have any memories of that gran thankfully. thanks for you.

jannaofthejungle Sun 30-Mar-14 17:03:16

I am not completely NC . My dear aunt had Turners Syndrome and contact with her was impossible unless through my m ,so I worked at breaking emotional ties with my p's . Also moved a long distance away and stopped the guilt about hardly ever visiting.

My aunt died recently,and I am now "free" to go completely NC. However,I will probably continue with the very distant and infrequent phone calls and brief visits ,as my f is very ill and likely to die soon. When he dies,my m is likely to live the rest of her life through my b and sil and their dc - who I am NC with,as they support my p's version of me as a social disgrace (because I am twice divorced with 5 dc,the youngest of whom has nc with her "f", to whom I was not married )

I really am able to keep their poison away from me and out of my head. I just experience them as bitter ,old and pathetic. I just ignore and disengage. It has taken a lot of work and a lot of practice.

jannaofthejungle Sun 30-Mar-14 17:07:37

I regret that I allow my p's to have a close relationship with my dc when they were tiny. Thankfully, I moved us all away at around the time my m started to lose interest in them and become nasty - she dotes on tiny babies and toddlers,but once they start to express autonomy and - god forbid - independent thought and creativity ,she steps up the control and gas lighting.

My eldest dd is 18 and they now speak to her in much the same way they speak to me. She ignores them. All my dc regard them as weird and unpleasant. Which they are.

fedthefuckupnowwhat Sun 30-Mar-14 17:12:32

she dotes on tiny babies and toddlers,but once they start to express autonomy and - god forbid - independent thought and creativity ,she steps up the control and gas lighting.

sad So, so common.

hamptoncourt Sun 30-Mar-14 17:13:29

My mother has no genuine interest in my DD, only that she can use her to hurt me.

If I could turn back time I never would have broken the 6 years NC I had before I fell pregnant with DD but for some reason, impending motherhood softened/weakened me and I got sucked back in. Letting her near my DC was a dreadful mistake that I have paid dearly for.

I just have to be optimistic and pray that I can restore a positive relationship with my DD once my mother is dead or if DD finally sees the light? DS is immune to DM and sees her for exactly what she is so she doesn't bother with him.

I too mourn the mother I never had, as mine never even pretended to love me, but I have filled my life with other positive older female role models and get wisdom and love from them, including my mothers sister, my aunt, who my DM is also NC with.

fedthefuckupnowwhat Sun 30-Mar-14 17:36:10

Letting her near my DC was a dreadful mistake that I have paid dearly for.

hamptoncourt are you able to go into any details about how it has been a mistake? How has it damaged your relationship with your DD? That sounds so sad.

CreepyLittleBat Sun 30-Mar-14 17:39:40

Have been repeating the mantra "it's only a day! " but I will be glad when the day is over. Various relatives have been leaving phone messages trying to bully me into calling my mother but none of them give a shit about me, dh and the dc. For years before the relationship fell apart, we all had to go to her, shower her with designer gifts and take her out for lunch. She's nothing but a spoilt and petulant child. It was always about what she wanted and we tiptoed around scared to death of displeasing her.

jannaofthejungle Sun 30-Mar-14 18:29:37

I rang my m this morning and was given a long delighted description of all the flowers,gifts and cards she had had from my b's,and how they were all taking her out for a meal etc etc…tune out,ta ta…

The sadness is about the feelings I had as a child,which weren't acknowledged by anyone then,and which were avoided by me as I grew up. Always trying to get it right;choosing men who were either emotionally unavailable,or emotionally and/or physically abusive.

my parenting model has always been based on doing the absolute opposite of anything my m did.
I have got better at being a m over the years. I regret how difficult I found it when eldest dd was tiny. I used to get very sad and depressed,without really knowing why. Or because of the way her f behaved.

I have learnt to take responsibility for myself since then.

Although i work in mh, it was mn which truly helped me to "see" what reality was.
Tough love was very helpful to me as a parent. I remember one poster telling me to" get downstairs and take control " when I posted a thread about the way my p were treating me in my own house….

Hedgehead Sun 30-Mar-14 19:28:10

The sadness is about the feelings I had as a child,which weren't acknowledged by anyone then,and which were avoided by me as I grew up. Always trying to get it right;choosing men who were either emotionally unavailable,or emotionally and/or physically abusive.

This.

Not just avoided by me as I grew up, but I used to attack myself for them. How dare I have these feelings? When actually they were perfectly justified considering the way she is/was!

hamptoncourt Sun 30-Mar-14 19:34:33

fed
She has made my DD the golden child. She favours her and has told her lots of lies about me, most of which I cannot defend as I rarely get to hear about them.

DM re writes history and plays the victim. I have a very damaged relationship with my DD (16) as a result. She is very enmeshed and ensnared by her, it doesn't seem to compute that DM has very few friends, is NC with all her own family etc etc.

All I hear is "poor nanny" and about how badly I have treated her!!!

Deathwatchbeetle Sun 30-Mar-14 19:41:29

I was thinking today of the mners who have toxic mothers and how hard this day must be to them now and how hard it must have been when growing up and presumably being required to 'do the right thing' i.e do the card and flowers/chocolates thing.

A crumb of comfort is (if you are now a mum) that hopefully your children love you and you are able to love them back, breaking the cycle.

jannaofthejungle Sun 30-Mar-14 20:53:44

hampton that must be so difficult for you . My b's were asking to see my dc's via my exes,without me there. That's when I moved away. My p's have no friends and don't really see anyone else from the family and I am sure that I would be in your situation now if I hadn't moved.

My dc's used to feel sorry for my m and question why I didn't want to spend time with her. Since contact has been so rare, her behaviour is very obvious to them. When youngest dd was born,none of my family got involved,and have never really acknowledged her. It has been very painful for the older dc to be confronted with how dysfunctional their gp's are. They used to like to have get togethers and to go along with the "happy family " script which my p's like to orchestrate. These,days,they question why on earth I maintain any contact at all and choose not to get involved with visits whenever possible.

I know i have broken the cycle and I feel proud of my own family unit. But it still feels a lonely place at times. Especially without an adult relationship of my own.

Being grown up is hard work when you have had to work out how to do it properly by yourself. It is important to listen to and look after our own inner sad child.

jannaofthejungle Sun 30-Mar-14 20:56:23

Hedge I also spent many years attacking myself and wishing I didn't have feelings. It is only recently that I have learnt not to treat myself in the way I was taught by my p's.

At least,I now know I do not deserve to be treated that way. However,I have to be mindful that I recognise the temptation to blame and attack myself,and make a conscious effort to act with kindness and compassion toward myself.

fedthefuckupnowwhat Sun 30-Mar-14 21:29:34

She has made my DD the golden child. She favours her and has told her lots of lies about me, most of which I cannot defend as I rarely get to hear about them.

That's terrible. You have my full sympathies. My M was beginning to do that with my DD sad (whilst entirely ignoring DS). That was the last straw that triggered NC.

DM re writes history and plays the victim

My M did that too. She would be forever slagging off my father (who is deceased so can't defend himself).

A crumb of comfort is (if you are now a mum) that hopefully your children love you and you are able to love them back, breaking the cycle.

True. It's certainly a cycle from my experience. My M hates her M and didn't even shed a tear at the funeral.

Being grown up is hard work when you have had to work out how to do it properly by yourself. It is important to listen to and look after our own inner sad child.

So true. I am quite infantized. It's embarrassing.

hamptoncourt Tue 01-Apr-14 16:52:18

My DM was NC with her own mother, all through my grandmothers battle with cancer. She never visited or anything, she cannot deal with anyone who confronts her so she just cuts them off. At my grans funeral, DM caused a gigantic scene and fell to the floor clutching her throat.

My grannys rellies all stepped over her, totally ignoring her antics, and have never spoken to her since.

She actually disgusts me.

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