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I think it's finally over

(56 Posts)
notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 13:21:56

Long term poster but frequent name-changer (sometimes for privacy but mostly because I'm mortified that I don't seem to learn my lesson after each posting about what a dick H is).

Pretty long history of ... let's say inappropriate relationships struck up by H. At least one admission of a long-term "emotional" (so he says) affair only admitted when I found a secret phone, several issues with finding inappropriate texts, lots of discoveries about inappropriate communications with various colleagues and some people known to both of us. I say this to set the scene - a couple of weeks ago, I was logging into fb on H's computer and noticed that when you put in the first letter of his name, an email address appeared which wasn't one known to me - definitely his because it had his first name and the first letter of surname. I brought this up immediately - I left him last year for a few months and came back on the proviso that everything would be completely open and he would answer any questions as I raised them.

He denied all knowledge of course <hollow laugh> and the next day, I found deleted photos in the recycling bin of the pc - of another woman, the same woman in about three different photos labelled "me", "me smiling" and one with some initials and random numbers. There was also one of him labelled "me". Last couple of weeks I've been going out of my mind trying to get him to tell me the truth. The email address was definitely not him, the photos were from spam emails he downloaded and somehow ended up in his downloaded items, no explanation for the photo of him.. blah blah blah.

On Friday night, I found a photo of him hidden in the depths of his pc - it was emblazened with the logo of a dating website and with very little digging, I found his profile although he had clearly removed the picture fairly recently. It said he was single with no kids and looking for a "sexy gentle charming lady on the outside naughty in the bedroom". Early Saturday morning he confessed the email address was his and when I made him logged in I found two emails each from two other woman (no reference to a dating website) and reference to him signing up to another website THAT WEEK. He'd deleted everything else including his sent items. I also made him log into his account at the dating website I found and looked in his sent items, at least 21 emails to other woman "You're beautiful" "so sexy" "can we hook up" and so on.

So now here I am. Stupid fucking twat that I am, I had no idea that my marriage for the last year has been a complete lie. I've been alone in bed whilst he's been doing this. Various protestations of love "I was only looking for photos" "They would only send you photos if you sent messages" "It's not like I had an affair". Every word that comes out of his shitty mouth is another lie. I can't even look at him. Yesterday he disappeared for four hours and came back full of how he was going to make it up to me. This morning he sent the kids up with mother's day presents - first time in fifteen years.

Now I've sent him on his way - not permanently but I just couldn't look at his lying disgusting face a minute longer. Luckily after last year, I formulated a plan, got myself a job (had been an SAHM for a couple of years) so now I can move out. He's also upped his game massively with the kids this year so I know that we can co-parent (sorry, wanky phrase I know) pretty successfully. He's been crying, on his knees, please don't leave me, I'll throw away the pc etc. etc. But I can't do this, I really can't. I'm so angry with myself most of all.

I can't call any of my friends because I don't want to spoil their mother's day weekends. anyway what would I say - that I was so repulsive to my husband, it wasn't enough for him to chase another woman, he had to go after anything with a pussy on the worldwide web. I can't phone my parents because they already rescued me once and I went back on the premise that I would make it work or stand on my own two feet (my words). anyway, my Dad was pretty much a serial adulterer when he was younger so I'm sure would have little sympathy.

So now I'm throwing myself at the mercy of MN once more. I KNOW I'm not overreacting but I just need to say it out loud (or type it). I am calm now he's not here but as soon as I look at him, I want to throw up. I'm living on sweet tea and the tears slip out when I'm not even thinking about it. The kids are being lovely and great and I'm managing not to fall apart in front of them. I'm just so gutted that I'm going to have to clean up his mess once again and five lives are going to be ruined because one stupid pathetic man couldn't control his disgusting urges and impulses. He had it all, he really did. Why did he throw it all away? sad

mammadiggingdeep Sun 30-Mar-14 13:26:32're not over reacting.

Today should be the first day of the rest of your life.

If you stay in this relationship it will drag you down. Enough. He had his chances.

Stay on MN today and call a rl friend first thing need to talk in rl to people that know you.

He go if you ask him to (pernenantly I mean)

notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 13:29:39

He would if I asked him but he really has nowhere to go - no real friends, he's estranged from his family and money's really really tight. Anyway, I couldn't manage the bills here on my own and I hate this house. I've got a really long commute to work and was looking to move anyway. This just means I've got to speed things up really quickly.

I have to go to work tomorrow. The last couple of weeks I've let things slide because I've been all over the place so I've got to catch up. I'm determined not to fuck things up than they already are.

I don't have time for this shit I really don't. I've got to pull myself together and get on with it but inside I feel like I'm breaking.

akaWisey Sun 30-Mar-14 13:31:58

Oh good grief don't do this to yourself.

Make it permanent - fast.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 30-Mar-14 13:35:09

Well done for that inner fighting spirit. You CAN hold it together because you have to.

You're not breaking...don't let him break you. He is quite clearly not worth it.

Sounds like speeding up the move will make your life easier.

If he went, do you think you'd qualify for tax credits etc? You wouldn't have to pay bills alone maybe...go online to check if you're entitled. Also, he'd have to contribute still. He's the one that's fucked up...not you.

notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 13:36:11

Your post made me smile Wisey - I know you've been through the mill yourself (not a stalker, honest) so it comes from the heart. You're right - the sooner I sort this the better. Then I can think about healing. It's just when I think about the prospect of what I'm doing, it's so daunting. So scary. But better than this I think.

I might have to disappear in a minute to sort the kids lunch but I really appreciate you both posting on Mother's day when you must be really busy. I am trying and trying to deal with this myself but think I just needed a friendly ear so thank you.

notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 13:38:46

I wouldn't qualify for enough tax credits to cover the shortfall here but if I moved to rented accommodation, I would get housing benefit to help with the rent. He's already agreed to sell the house and I should say I have some legal knowledge so I won't have a problem forcing him to sell if he tries to dig his heels in.

I don't want to stay here. I never did. Lots of history in this house to do with his cheating, his family and so on. I'm planning to cut my commute in half with the move plus better schools for the kids. Fresh start and all that (trying to look on the bright side).

lavenderhoney Sun 30-Mar-14 13:58:44

Looking on the bright side is good. Making plans is good.

Wasting time listening to him isn't. I think if you told your parents you would get support and help. They know exactly first hand how you feel. You gave it a shot. He didn't. Tell them - you put yourself under immense pressure to succeed with your dh and there is no shame in saying what he is doing. They may say " I told you" but that's ok, isn't it? Just the oncesmile if it was one if your dc wouldn't you want them to call?

Its not your fault your dh doesn't have any friends or family. He has had a chance to create that life over the last year but decided to risk it instead with online dating and more. Sorry, matey. High risk involves high losses.

akaWisey Sun 30-Mar-14 14:05:07

not you know you'll have lots of friendly ears here. I've added your thread to my watched list so I can keep up with how you're doing smile.

notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 14:12:48

Thanks lavender, you're right. I think I will call my mum later. Not now, cos I don't want to fall apart in front of the kids. They're abroad so can't do much practically unless I go over which I can't do because I have a job now. What I really want is to ask then for a small loan so I can move out now but I'm scared they'll say no...

I know it would be better for him to move out right now but I can't see how the money will stretch tbh. He can't afford rent and to contribute to this house. Neither can I but I figure it won't be my problem once I've moved out. I know he thinks I'm dropping him in the shit by moving out now rather than when the house is sold. But I think he'll drag out the sale whilst I'm still here. Anyway his bills aren't my problem when I'm gone - he can get lodgers or call one of his girlfriends. I couldn't give a fuck.

notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 14:13:35

Thanks wisey I appreciate it thanks

RandomMess Sun 30-Mar-14 14:18:14

flowers Great that you are taking control. Well done you!

notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 14:24:19

Thanks for the flowers random - I don't feel in control tbh.

I'm so so worried that I'm going to lose my resolve again. So many times I've given into the promises and false hopes. I know I'm losing the love of my life. It's just a shame he doesn't deserve that title. But that's what he is however I sell this idea of being happy to be without him.

But I will be free - free of constant accusations of paranoia and policing him. Free of the distrust and niggling uncertainty that's blighted my life for the last 10 years. <girds loins>

RedRoom Sun 30-Mar-14 14:25:27

My ex did this. Things were as low for me as they could be. Fast forward eight years and I'm much, much happier. In fact, I was much happier in only a few months. I realised that I didn't need to accept or turn a blind eye to this kind of disrespectful crap, and it was liberating.

You'll need to be doing what I did to get yourself through this: asking yourself, is this what I wanted in a relationship/ marriage? Did we agree to this when we decided we were a couple? Is my husband the kind of man that I respect? Is he showing love and respect for me? If not, then why the hell am I making do with second best?

Your h's long term history shows very clearly that he just isn't taking his marriage vows at all seriously. He is not a single man and should not be chasing sex on the internet like a pathetic, desperate fool.

You asked why he threw it all away: who knows why anyone would be such a mug. Most of us would be terrified of actively seeking out an affair because of our worry for what it would do to our partners and the pain it would cause. Perhaps then, he did it because he is selfish and more concerned with getting quick thrills for himself than caring for his family. Maybe he isn't able to think of how his actions affect other people. It could be because love, stability and partnership were not as thrilling for him as the chase of unknown women. Maybe it was because he is too immature to be settled. Or, quite horribly, maybe deep down he thinks of women as things to have sex with, rather than form deeper and more meaningful relationships with. Only he can answer why is he's been an utter berk. I suspect the answer is the same as the reason why my ex did it: he enjoyed the flattery and attention, the risk and secretiveness made it more exciting, and he thought having a secret 'kinky' side was okay as long as I didn't find out. Of course, all that changed once he found the chain on the lock, his clothes in bin bags and had had to move back home with his parents.

None of this is your fault. You didn't tell lies, or deceive him, or cheat. He made high risk choices and now he has to face up to the result.

notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 14:32:11

Wow Redroom - I'm in awe of your kick arse style. If it weren't for the kids, I do think this time his bags would have been packed already. When I said it was over, he did say "what about the children?" Which I threw right back at him. But I know they're a big factor - he does the school run morning and evening because my commute means I leave just after they get up and come in while they're having tea. If he left and I had to live in his house alone I wouldn't be able to manage practically or financially.

So I'm moving - not for him but for me. I do want him in the kids lives but I don't want to be in a position where I have to rely on him. I want to be in control not him.

notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 14:33:24

I should say Redroom that you seem to have the measure of him. I think there must be a script or something much like when they have a real life affair...

akaWisey Sun 30-Mar-14 14:38:53

I think what he's done is very much real life whether he's met up with anyone, had 'just a friend' or any other crass behaviour.

he may tell himself it's 'harmless fun' but he doesn't get to define his actions any more - you do.

notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 14:43:25

I know Wisey - you're so right. One of his pitiful excuses was that I had a problem with porn so this was much better as they're not real people. I may have lost it a little when he said that.

Funny thing is that although I have been angry - it's not really at the fact of it. It's at his excuses and most of the time I feel weirdly calm. I can't work out whether it's because I'm not surprised or I just don't care anymore. I do feel this massive sense of sadness and fear or the future but I guess that's normal.

Rupertandfifi Sun 30-Mar-14 14:47:38

In answer to the question at the bottom of your 1st post.
My reply is - because he is a selfish wanker who thinks of no one but himself.

akaWisey Sun 30-Mar-14 14:52:52


Oh he's deluded as well as pitiful, fucks sake you're well rid even though it hurts.

notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 15:04:13

Rupertandfifi - he is so selfish. He wasn't thinking of me and the kids when he posted his picture up on the fucking internet for all our friends and family to see him in all his pathetic glory. He seemed genuinely surprised when I pointed out that he could have been spotted by anyone we knew, so Wisey's label of "deluded" seems quite apt.

I know I shouldn't care what he's thinking or feeling and I'm relatively untouched by all his "I love you so much" crap. But honestly I'm pretty shocked that he's surprised it's over. What the hell did he think I would do? Kiss him better and say "that's alright love, let's move on"??

I guess my past history of being a complete mug does me no favours.

akaWisey Sun 30-Mar-14 15:09:21

Well if he loves you so much he can show it by being VERY GENEROUS with the divorce settlement, seeing his DC's regularly….you know all the stuff that a loving man would do were he GENUINELY remorseful for his actions.

He's scored a massive own goal, hasn't he not?

notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 15:54:44

Thank you Wisey - I think I will certainly use that phrase to make sure I get exactly what I need out of this sorry mess. It feels so sad that I have to strategise about this - that's what this has come to but needs must. This isn't the path I chose for myself but I'll have to make myself a shiny new one, no thanks to that bastard.

He's just arrived home - so much for giving me some space. He tried his pathetic double talk crap again. Apparently we can sell the house and buy somewhere together and he will get himself a flat where he can live until I'm ready to have him back.

Deluded <tick>
Selfish <tick>

I told him where he could shove that idea. He's so embarrassed apparently. No shit Sherlock. You're not the only one. <thinks calming thoughts>

Now he's back I will have to just suck these feelings up because I don't want us talking about this in front of the kids.

akaWisey Sun 30-Mar-14 16:03:17

grin it'll take him a while to return to planet "oh no you don't who the fuck do you think you are". Actually I laughed when I read the bit about til I'm ready to have him back.

I'm feeling particularly viperish today - send him round to me and I'll read him his fortune grin

notoutingmyself Sun 30-Mar-14 16:10:46

grin that made me genuinely lol Wisey so thank you. Yes, historically he's said and done exactly that. This time is different - I think because I left him before, he knows I'm deadly serious. But you see that's why I'm so gutted - because stupidly I came back on the basis of his promises. To be fair to him, he has kept some of them. This one's a dealbreaker for me though. I wasn't sure it was until it happened but it definitely is.

I'm sure he'll revert to type fairly shortly which is why I want to go as soon as I can. It's bad enough having to face the sad faces and long sighs. It's so fucking irritating that he's making himself out to be the victim in all of this but I've got to put that aside because what he thinks and feels is irrelevant.

I will put your kind offer on the back burner for now smile I don't think I'm quite ready to have him face the collective wrath of MN just yet! Thank you for making me laugh though - first time in a while. I'm off to drink yet another cup of sweet tea. Funny that 'cos I'm usually a terrible comfort eater (I'm quite overweight which is obviously relevant to H deciding that anything's better than me). I can't touch food right now though - I feel sick at the thought of it. Every cloud and all that.

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