The Dating Thread 72

[LizzieBelle]

Welcome

[louby44]

lol Lizzie we posted a new thread at the same time!

[LizzieBelle]

and then answered at the same time!

[louby44]

Well I need advice.

Met Mr Postman and had a pleasant afternoon. But I'm just not sure!

Pros - he's emotionally mature (as far as I can tell), fairly attractive, dresses nicely, his home is tidy, he is obviously up for a serious relationship, very attentive, interesting, no kids (less complications)

Cons - he lives an hour away, he's thinner physically than I like, he has no kids (so does he understand life with children??)

He was keen to try and arrange a third date but I slightly put him off, I did tentatively suggest he could stay at my house and sleep in the spare room but the next day I would just want him to go lol.

The distance is the main issue. He's a really nice guy and he deserves someone in his life who he can see regulary not once a week.

[oldfashionedgirl]

beforeandafter - "Hmm - I'm a bit hard-nosed about 'the rules'. If you're as soft as shite then the rules are good to give you equilibrium. if you've been hurt like fuck then the rules are good to help you sort the wheat from the chaff and if you fall faster than Newton's apple then they give you a breather. At some point though it's about you and him and not you, the rules and him.

If you feel he's genuine and he's what you want you fall for him and you might just be slower than he is (or vice versa) for no sinister reason. From what you've posted he's not 'just' after casual. If you feel he's about to tell you he loves you, you can always put your finger to his lips and go 'sshhh, not yet'. Channel your inner Julia Roberts (I've no idea if she ever did that in a film)... Just don't channel your inner Gwyneth - a politically correct statement about conscious coupling would go down like a lead balloon."

I don't think I could channel Julia or Gwyneth! Early days yet so maybe it isn't on his mind. I just don't want to mess it up!

[BeforeAndAfter]

Folk

You must be reeling - I'm so sorry. I do find this virtual life that we all have impossible to handle in the context of a relationship because I'm a suspicious cow thanks to my XH's affair.

I'm no apologist for opportunistic cheats but there is one plausible explanation - he was closing down his other profiles and maybe his pending trip home reminded him of the French sites.

Of course the seed of doubt has sprouted leaves now so only you know if you can handle living with it in your head.

I'm reeling from a break up with the loveliest man because of the seed of doubt in my head. For me it's easier to be alone and without the doubt than the alternative and it sounds like that's where you are.

[oldfashionedgirl]

louby44 It is tough when distance, shifts, and responsibilities mean that you can only see someone once or twice a week. It doesn't seem to matter really early on but it does make you wonder what would happen if it got serious. I mean after 6 months is once or twice a week going to be enough. I don't know what to suggest really but it would be a shame to miss out on someone lovely because of logistics.

[BeforeAndAfter]

louby does he drive? I think you've mentioned picking him up in a previous post and to be honest I'd struggle if I were the only driver. If you can divvy up the commute then it may be workable.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Folk I've just read your last posts on thread 71. I'm sorry you found this out and although you didn't find him on the French site, to me that would mean the intention is there. After 5 months you should be able to feel much more secure than this. You could discuss it with him but there's always the chance he'll just talk his way out of it. Sometimes, you just know when something isn't going to work out, plus as you say, you struggle to trust easily and he's not exactly putting your mind at rest by having these sites in his 'recently viewed' list. If you've decided it's definitely over then I'd do a combination of 2 and 3 but don't just block him. Definitely let him know why you're ending things, that you saw the French dating site on his recently viewed list and that for you it means you can't trust him and it's over.

[louby44]

Folk I just don't get these men. 5 months is a long time. I agree with soft we are adults and should be decent and upfront and talk about these things. You shouldn't just block him.

BFA yes he drives. My other niggles are that he says my name in nearly every sentence (and in every text) and he has a nervous cough!

[Minime85]

sorry folk that's not how you wanted it to go I'm sure. I'm new to all this dating stuff so don't know what to advise. but I think I'd have to speak to him about it

[Poffedoff]

Sorry Folk..when I discovered pofguy doing the same I wrote him a dignified and to the point text. He was left in no doubt that I wouldn't be listening to any more explanations or excuses. He chose not to reply and after 5 weeks I doubt I'll ever hear from him again but that's ok..I said my bit without ranting and don't cringe if I re read it which is a good sign.
Honestly Folk, I felt hugely betrayed but I genuinely believe these guys did mean everything they said, it wasn't all acting and I'm sure your guy will be full of regret having lost what sounded like a really promising relationship..

[oldfashionedgirl]

Why do men do this though? Take the time to get to know someone and seem all serious and then still be looking around on the sites!?

[Poffedoff]

I've no idea old...I do believe that it doesn't necessarily mean they were bullshitting all along though. I'm sure pofguy misses what we had and I've no doubt Folks guy will miss her too. The sweet shop syndrome is too much of a temptation for some it seems.

[BeforeAndAfter]

I honestly think they see it as harmless fun. A lot of people don't share my view that flirty texts/FB messages/dating site messages are a form of betrayal in a relationship - irrespective of how young that relationship is.

Right, off to see my very old and lovely Mum who just wants to see me settled... she'll be waiting a while for that one!

[FolkGirl]

Thanks all

Before That's exactly where I am - the thought of missing out of the beautiful what might have beens... is far easier to handle than the unhappiness and feelings of insecurity. I came out of a shit marriage 17 months ago. I felt I had to stay and put up with that because of my children, because of the vows, because of the shame... But now, I'm content to end something that doesn't make me feel good.

soft that's it, what if he was on there just deciding whether or not to join that particular site or not... I only searched for him in his home town. He could have put somewhere else down.

louby No, I didn't want to just block him. I'm an adult after all! But it was an option!

poff That's what I'm going to do. I just need to work out how to say it. Part of me wants to give him the opportunity to explain, just out of curiosity of what he will say.

The thing is, we met on Match. When I messaged him, I only did so because it was 4am and I was feeling brave! I always, and only, messaged me who were 'out of my league' in the early hours of the morning because it didn't feel real! When he replied, I only continued the communication out of, again, curiosity. But it turned out that we had a fair bit in common and are really easy around each other. I suppose if you're used to beautiful, sexy women, a pale and pasty single mum from England probably isn't going to float your boat!

Shit. He's just emailed to tell me he misses me and he hopes my children are taking good care of me. (I left his house early this morning because it's mother's day). But it's just words isn't it? He could be emailing me from his email account on one tab, and searching for women online on another. It's ridiculous, I'm almost embarrassed that by saying something to him I'm admitting that I saw a website on his 'recently closed' list, came home and checked it out.

He's introduced me to some of his oldest friends. Apparently, they really liked me and have suggested we all go out. Just why? Why would you do it? What is he going to say to his friends? What's he going to say to his mother! Aren't all these people he's told I'm going with him going to wonder where I am?! What reason is he going to give! Just why?

[FolkGirl]

Like I said on the other thread though, I've just found out I've got a new job (he said he was really proud of me, took me out for dinner on Friday night to celebrate and said when we met that what I do for a living is one of the things he likes about me). But I digress. I shall focus on my new job, my children, my friends, my hobbies and interests and just myself in general.

Just gutted though because I did like him, I did fancy him, I'd introduced him to some of my friends and the children.

[FolkGirl]

I thought I'd have another look and widen my search to see if I could see him on there.

I couldn't.

But Eric 46 from the same town looks pretty hot...

[LizzieBelle]

You go Folkgirl

[FolkGirl]

Thanks Lizzie. Not feeling quite as brave as I sound though. Just trying to block all thoughts of him from my head now.

Any suggestions on what to say would be gratefully received. I suppose I really want to ask him why on earth he'd take me to another country to meet/stay with his mother and still be online.

The sad thing is, I was feeling like it was a bit like the last chance saloon for me as far as relationships were concerned. I just don't really see the point now. I really wouldn't trust anyone again.

I'm just embarrassed about bringing it up with him. I think I'd rather just tell him I was ending it and leave it at that.

[Poffedoff]

Folk I had so many questions for pofguy too but decided in the long run what difference it really made what his answers were. I didn't want to get into dialogue with him as I knew he'd talk me round. I simply started my text with..Hey, so I see you're back on pof..
You could do something similar...just say you noticed he's been browsing dating sites,that you're not one for checking up on people but couldn't ignore what you'd accidentally seen on his laptop...tell him he knows you've trust issues so that he'll understand how there's no possibility of you being able to trust somebody who says one thing but clearly does another. Tell him you hope he finally works out what he's looking for but that you're stepping away as the trust is gone...
If he replies and you feel you'd like answers then that's the time to ask them...

[Poffedoff]

You don't owe him an explanation Folk. He should be the one that's embarrassed not you. A lot of people would just block and delete without any explanation so he's very lucky that he won't be left hanging without knowing why...try not to rant though, don't mention the kids or anything yet, I know its tempting but you don't want to look back over your mail in a few months and think why did I say that. .you should certainly let him know you're hurt, angry and confused by his behaviour but that you're not going to waste any more energy trying to understand his motives

[FolkGirl]

poff thank you, that is pretty much perfect and exactly the message/info I'd want to convey.

I'm off to word it now. I don't want to leave it hanging. Dreading the departure date arriving now though

[FolkGirl]

Oh I won't be ranting. I don't want to rant. I'm not a ranter anyway. I didn't rant last time.

Yes, I think saying I'm hurt and confused would probably sum it up. I won't be mentioning specifics. If I need to do that, I'll offload on here

[Poffedoff]

I'm not for ranting either Folk and was very happy to have friends who were kind enough to bare the brunt. We had things planned too, concerts, his birthday, my birthday...its horrible and unfair but you will feel some relief from the uncertainty that was always lingering in your gut (I had it too).

[FolkGirl]

It's done.

Said pretty much what you'd suggested - I noticed he was on there; not generally one for checking up on people; just looking out for myself and couldn't ignore what I'd seen; he knows my background and the impact it has had on my ability to trust people; don't know his reasons but can't trust someone who does one thing and says another; just feel really hurt and confused by it all; hope he finds what he's looking for.

So, so sad now