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Does this sound like I've acted needy?

(21 Posts)
DrunkOnTheTrampoline Sun 30-Mar-14 09:54:19

I got talking to a guy online about 10 weeks ago, we really hit it off, messages got longer and longer, then conversations lasted for hours. Because of work commitments, it was about four weeks before we could meet up. The first four dates went really well, lots of sex on the fourth one, we even spoke about things coming up in the next couple of months, we were in constant contact for the last week or so.

Then date five last weekend went wrong. It just felt different. I didn't really think much of it but he went very distant and ignored my next text. I asked what was wrong and I got a cryptic message back about awkwardness. He didn't say "I don't want to see you again".

I told him that I could get over a slightly more clunky date but if it wasn't working for him there was nothing I could do, I couldn't tell him what to think. I text him during the week asking him how an important work thing had gone and he sent back a couple of short direct responses.

So, by this point I have well and truly got the message. A couple of days later, I dropped a couple of his DVDs he left at mine round his house while he was at work and left them in his communal mailbox. I sent a polite message telling him they were there and to look for them. I got a thank you text message back.

Yesterday he text again and said he'd picked them up, thanked me again and hoped I was having a good weekend. Even though I think he has been a bit rude and weak in not telling me straight, I like this guy a lot, he's the only person I know who likes some of the things I like, so I sent him a nice message to say that I had understood where he was coming from after last weekend but it would be nice to stay friends and I'd love to hear how he's doing from time to time.

Nothing! How rude. Did I overdo it?

sooperdooper Sun 30-Mar-14 09:57:57

I don't think you overdid it at all, sounds like he's just got cold feet about it for some reason, but I'd just forget about him and move on, you've done nothing wrong

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 30-Mar-14 10:04:27

Did you put out on date 5?

Lovingfreedom Sun 30-Mar-14 10:04:46

No, he decided he wants out and he's let you guess rather than just telling you. Sorry move on. Don't offer to be friends, it's an invitation for him to take the piss.

Pagwatch Sun 30-Mar-14 10:07:31

I wouldn't have sent him the last message but no harm.
Just get the message. He's not really interested.
I'm sorry. Leave it. Don't do the 'can we be friends' thing. That's just 'would you like sex with no committment'

DrunkOnTheTrampoline Sun 30-Mar-14 10:11:28

No, date 4 funky

Maybe I was a bit naive about the friends thing. I didn't see it like that at all, just that we had had a lot to talk about and it genuinely would be nice to hear from him.

I am going to move on obviously, I just don't like feeling I've been silly. But also, I just don't understand how you can have so much contact and then just cut it without being kind.

Maybe the dating game is a bit too brutal for me!

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 30-Mar-14 10:50:20

Yeah I wondered if it was because you didn't put out on date 5. I guess he got the sex and so has ticked that box.

LyndaCartersBigPants Sun 30-Mar-14 11:18:27

There seems to be a trend when dating that men get all carried away, get really into you, start thinking further ahead than the next ten minutes and suddenly go. "Whoa! What's happening, I didn't sign up for this! She's trying to trap me with her feminine wiles and witchcraft" and they run!

Even the nice ones have a wobble about date 4 when they realise they're not just shagging around, it's becoming a (whisper it) relationship and they start to panic that the life of bachelorhood they had envisaged is looking decidedly less likely with each passing date.

It's happened to every one of my friends who has been dating recently (including me).

It may just be the wobble, but rather than taking to you about it (my DP came round and explained exactly what was on his mind, why he was panicking and by the time he left we were even more besotted with each other - backfire!) your date has been cowardly and rude. That's not the sort of man I'd want as a friend or a partner, so it sounds like a lucky escape.

You do need a thick skin and low expectations for dating, but hopefully someone else will come along, maybe they don't share your specific interests but if they share a more open attitude to communication that will be even better!

Abbykins1 Sun 30-Mar-14 13:54:46

I think you closed the door(in his mind) when you dropped the DVD's off.

If you don't want it to be,it may not be over yet.

Just wait a while.

Do nothing.

DrunkOnTheTrampoline Sun 30-Mar-14 14:12:04

I think you've hit the nail on the head lynda

I think maybe some men get to the point where they decide whether they like you enough to get into a relationship rather than just seeing how it goes.

I honestly thought though, because of the amount we'd been talking we at the very least had made friends. I know nobody goes online dating to find friends but it was unbelievable how much we had in common and for our previous two dates we had literally stayed awake all night talking. I'm beginning to see I thought more of it then he did. Classic schoolgirl error

DrunkOnTheTrampoline Sun 30-Mar-14 14:14:18

I won't lie and say a part of me wouldn't be open to that abbykins but I'm not sure there is any way of clawing this back!

Pagwatch Sun 30-Mar-14 14:22:07

Do you want to claw this back?
However well you got on, whatever your mutual interests, he's not exactly impressive is he? Just ducking out and switching off rather than being a grown up.

ItsSpringBaby Sun 30-Mar-14 14:25:41

I agree that you should go silent now and let him make the next move. What he does will tell you all you need to know, if you don't hear from him, chalk it up to experience and move on. Keep your dignity intact!

This can be one of the downsides to dating - especially online. There's a massive build-up of excitement at the beginning which then seems to peter out in a relatively short time.

I don't think it's anything you've done, or there's anything you can do if he is the 'type' of guy who thrill seeks and then gets bored. It's just one of those things unfortunately, most of us have been there at one time or another!

DrunkOnTheTrampoline Sun 30-Mar-14 14:26:08

Yes! That's true! I need to keep remembering that

DrunkOnTheTrampoline Sun 30-Mar-14 14:27:45

Yes I will go silent now and I don't expect to hear anything anyway. I'm beginning to wish I hadn't sent that last text though. I am clearly a novice!

SinglePringle Sun 30-Mar-14 14:42:41

The world of dating is crazy. I got chatting to a guy online last week. Seemed a decent sort; friendly & intelligent. Didn't set my heart on fire but you know, give a guy a chance and all that. He was very complimentary about me - not gushing but pleasantly so.

Friday just gone he asked to meet me and suggested Saturday. I had plans so suggested today instead. He agreed, was all 'look forward to it - where do you want to meet; name the area convenient for you'. I suggested said area, 'yes yes' is his reply.

Since then? Total radio silence. Weirdo!

Clearly I've had a lucky escape but it's baffling as to why someone would bother to ask. I mean, he's not 'met' me so getting me to agree to something can't be an ego boost as I'm not 'real'. Who knows, eh?

We need tricks / tips to weed out the thrill seekers! I reckon it's a numbers game - get yourself back out there and eventually you'll find a good 'un!

DrunkOnTheTrampoline Sun 30-Mar-14 16:59:19

Really single??! That's so bizarre. Have you contacted him and he's ignored you?

I just can't get my head around it, what is the point to a lot of things that people do?

SinglePringle Sun 30-Mar-14 18:37:11

I know, weird, right?

And no - I don't chase! I said 'yes' and he knows how to contact...

morchoxplz Sun 30-Mar-14 20:55:20

OP you say he's the only person you've met who likes the same things as you. What are you into and why is it so hard to find like minded blokes?

DrunkOnTheTrampoline Sun 30-Mar-14 21:24:58

morch nothing too interesting, I like a couple of obscure bands and comedians and he is genuinely the only person I've come across who had both heard of them and liked them. And I know he did, it wasn't fake, because I'd seen the books and CDs.

I know shared interests like that don't equal true love, but those things coupled with lots of shared principles and a liking for stupid conversation over wine, lots of other things in common from our pasts, made me think we had connected I guess.

LyndaCartersBigPants Mon 31-Mar-14 09:51:04

The reality of dating is that many men are in it for the numbers not the soul-mate, whereas we are generally hoping that each one turns out to be something special. It may even be that this guy was seeing someone else at the time and waiting to see who put out first he got on best with.

I think I was in the minority of people who only got chatting to and met up with one person at a time (I didn't trust myself not to get confused and call them the wrong name or talk about the wrong thing if I had more than one on the go!)

I know that my DP had geared himself up for a year or so of enjoying the single life. Once he found himself 'craving' me after a couple of dates he panicked as he realised that he was jumping straight back into a relationship and the prospect of being a happy bachelor was slipping away!

Knowing him as I do now, I don't think he'd have found a series of ONSs very fulfilling anyway as he's very emotional and needy , but I'm sure his married friends who were living vicariously through him would have been encouraging him to enjoy himself! The idea that they get to go out with lots of new women just gives them this 'kid in a sweetshop' mentality which they don't want to 'squander'.

Sometimes it takes them a few weeks, sometimes a few months, but generally the ones who panic do come back to you and ask you out again (usually by then it's too late and you get the satisfaction of ignoring them or telling them you have met someone else!) I had someone who messed me about for a few weeks contact me after 6 months and it was very satisfying to be able to just delete and block him.

I don't think you overdid it, but I think by opening the door for friendship you do run the risk of him coming back to you at some point when he realises that the grass isn't greener elsewhere. What you do from there is entirely up to you, but I'd certainly be expecting an apology for his rudeness before starting anything with him.

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