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My wife has ended our marriage

(37 Posts)
Compo1 Sun 30-Mar-14 07:56:18

Hi all my wife of 11 years told me two weeks ago that she is ending our marriage for good.
We have two daughters 6,8 years old at first she couldn't give me answers as to why just that we had drifted apart I'm 44 and she is 38,
We have spoke more over the last two weeks and all the reasons seem to be small she says I look mardy if she asked me to collect things or do the shopping.
My wife's mum passed away just over two years ago she was an alcoholic we did the funeral stuff but my wife has never re-visited the grave since that day she says I've done my grieving.
The same week she told me it was over she also said she just wanted to go and jump into bed and have sex.
She hasn't wore a wedding ring for a long time as its too small but she does wear her engagement ring which she is still doing,
I have suggested councilling for us and for herself but she point blank refuses just saying I don't need any,
Yesterday we had arranged that I would go over to our house and cook my daughters tea whilst my wife went out to visit her sister however in the morning she rang and said I've told the girls I'll take them to McDonald's for breakfast as a treat would you like to join us it did take me by surprise but I agreed, I got to our house we all went in my car even tho my wife was going shopping after and the supermarket is closer to where we were than home so would have been easier for her to go straight shopping rather than come home. And whilst we were sat in Mcdonalds out the blue she said "this is nice" and also made a comment about how white my teeth look?
I spent time with the girls went to the park then when I took then back home I cooked tea for all of us.
Now I don't pretend that our marriage was perfect nor am I the perfect husband but I can't help thinking that there is some other problem I know there is no-one else involved but I did not see this coming at all I had no idea.
Any ideas advice anyone been in a similar position?

mammadiggingdeep Sun 30-Mar-14 08:03:24

Are you certain there's no one else? It sounds as if she wants her cake and eat it to be honest.

She's taking the piss out of you a bit- telling you 'this is nice' is bound to give you hope. If she doesn't want to be with you she shouldn't give you mixed signals.

It's very early days and I expect she could be confused. Maybe suggest counselling again?

QuiteSo Sun 30-Mar-14 08:04:27

Any chance she's met another man? That's usually the case in this type of situation. My husband started shagging his colleague (unbeknownst to me) and came home and picked me and our marriage to pieces in a similar way (I was too grumpy, I used the wrong shape wine glasses etc).
Sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry for your kids.

Compo1 Sun 30-Mar-14 08:10:09

Thanks for both the replies I'm positive there's not another bloke I know that might sound like I'm making excuses but I am certain.
Having checked around the Internet I'm edging towards a mid life crisis or some for of mild depression but not being an expert I can't be sure,
I am getting mixed signals the stuff I mentioned above but then she says I know I've made the right decision to end it.

QuiteSo Sun 30-Mar-14 08:17:10

Have you asked her outright whether there's another man? She will deny it of course but her reaction may give her away.

Have you suggested marriage counselling? If only to ease the transition for the kids.

Compo1 Sun 30-Mar-14 08:23:14

Yes I've asked her straight out and her reaction didn't suggest another man, however she does talk about a teacher at the school where she works they get on well have a laugh they have the same sense of humour etc..... He's married with three children, I work shifts but never really know what time I'll be home sometimes early sometimes late I have given it a lot of thought and she just couldn't do it because of that.
I have suggested councilling but she refuses saying she doesn't need any "I'm ok"

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs Sun 30-Mar-14 08:30:26

Maybe she is regretting her decision to end it? Maybe she wasn't able to think it through properly if she's suffering from a mental illness?

Compo1 Sun 30-Mar-14 08:31:23

It all seems really quick already she's been on to the benefit helpline looking into that kind of stuff to keep the house which I know would be better for the children but I won't get ripped off either,
It's almost like she's just full steam ahead she said the other day once I end a relationship I won't go back yet over the 15 years we've been together we have split twice (before the kids were here) and both times got back together!
You could say I'm a bit confused to say the least.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Mar-14 08:32:23

Sorry you're in this situation. Are you living separately now that you go over to make tea for DCs? Have you taken legal advice? Has she? Do friends or family know it's over or is it just between the pair of you? As you seem to be getting some mixed messages to put it mildly I'm trying to determine whether she's posturing, hoping the threat of divorce shakes things up a bit or whether she's serious and following through. Regardless, I think you should assume the latter, take it seriously, get legal advice and start thinking about how to protect yourself, your relationship with your DCs, organise finances and other practical matters. Do you have RL friends you can confide in?

Compo1 Sun 30-Mar-14 08:39:24

Yes we are living seperatly I've moved back to my mums for the time being I have started to sort out my finances etc to protect myself,
We have both told family friends work colleagues etc.
She did say that she's not bothered about divorce and would quite happily keep her married name but become Ms instead of Mrs,
I'm going to get some legal advice next week to see what I can do.
And your right I am getting mixed messages.

Compo1 Sun 30-Mar-14 08:40:48

Homeiswheretheheartis, I did think that but then surely she would say let's sort it out go to councilling together?

RandomMess Sun 30-Mar-14 08:45:59

Perhaps the fact you have actually talked together for the first time properly is what is perhaps triggering her regrets?

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs Sun 30-Mar-14 08:48:21

Have you asked her what she means by the meet-ups and nice comments? She might be just totally confused.
Are you hoping to get back together, and have you told her this?

Compo1 Sun 30-Mar-14 08:52:37

RandomMess, it's possible but I'm not sure she has any regrets she seems determined to go through with it but as stated above I keep getting mixed signals,
She's always been a very honest person and I know things change in situations like these but I don't have any reason to doubt her.
I really do think there is some other issue and this is a way she feels she can deal with it, or am I just hoping she realises that it's not our marriage that's the problem??

Compo1 Sun 30-Mar-14 08:55:35

Homeiswheretheheartis, yes I've told her I want to work it out together and will do whatever we need to to sort it out,
I've not asked her about the meet ups maybe that's something I should do my 8year old told me yesterday unprompted that it was mummy's idea to ring you to come McDonald's with us I know it might sound daft but if you want to split up for good why invite me?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Mar-14 08:56:56

You've only to read a few threads on here to see that people are often very anxious to stay amicable with their exes for the sake of the kids. So nice comments and meet-ups can easily be part of that process. However, when emotions are raw because a relationship has only just broken down, I think it's too soon for anyone to be playing Happy Families at McDonalds. I also think it's horribly cruel to say 'it's over' and then drag someone off to bed (if I read that right) . OP did you interpret the teeth comment as flirting? So contact is vital when it comes to the children, but important to create distance rather then subject yourself to a confusing and unpleasant limbo.

daffodildays Sun 30-Mar-14 08:59:22

I think you are right to take legal advice. It is imperative that you are able to provide for a consistent contact schedule foryour time with DC. Being separated is not you going round to cook tea, or playing happy families at McDs then looking after dc so she can go shopping. It is separate lives, where she would need to organise her own childcare for shopping, and you would look after DC in your own place. She may be looking at benefits, but it doesn't sound like she has grasped the reality of that.

I would be tempted to start taking DC on your own, and, if she wants to talk, you need to speak separately without DC present. It is not fair for her to involve them in her mixed message sending.

Compo1 Sun 30-Mar-14 09:04:35

Cogitoergosometimes; I do want to stay amicable for the kids and I don't really want to fall out with her either, not sure how you read the drag someone off to bed but it didn't happen as I refused to go to bed or to have sex it just wasn't right,
I guess looking back yes I think the teeth comment was flirting.
I have decided that our only contact now will be because of the children hopefully that may touch a nerve and help her to understand what's going on with her then we can move on either together and get some help or seperate lives?

daffodildays Sun 30-Mar-14 09:04:41

Sorry, xpost, slow on phone. The thing about your 8 yr old is really off. Rule #1, don't involve the children. On your wife's part, i mean, not yours. She is messing with your DD as well.

lapetitesiren Sun 30-Mar-14 09:06:25

Relate do relationship counselling to help you split up as well as stay together. Maybe it would help you to go on your own even if she won' t join you.

Compo1 Sun 30-Mar-14 09:11:43

Daffodildays, our posts must have crossed that what I decided now I can take the children to my mums/ grans where I'm living at the minute so she will be on her own or if I cook tea the and put them to bed she will need to go out and visit friends so we (me and the kids) get our time together so I can read them a bedtime story etc,
To be fair I don't think she involved my 8 year old I didn't quiz her she just said it straight out the blue that it was mummy's idea to ask me.
What is DC and DD this is my first time on a forum like this?

Compo1 Sun 30-Mar-14 09:13:47

Lapetitesiren that's interesting I didn't know that it's something I will look into on their website thank you.

MuttonCadet Sun 30-Mar-14 09:14:27

Almost exactly the same thing happened to my (now) DH.

His ex wife told him out if the blue that she wasn't in love any more and wanted to split.

It turned out that she'd been having an affair for a year before the split. It didn't stop her expecting him to support her through the final year of her degree course.

Look after yourself, get legal advice, you can be damn sure she's making sure she's okay.

Compo1 Sun 30-Mar-14 09:16:14

Muttoncadet thanks for that advice you have just made me laugh which is rare at the minute!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Mar-14 09:16:52

DC is shorthand for Dear Children and DD is Dear Daughter. smile DP. DW, DH.... partner, wife, husband... you get the picture. Glad you've made the decision to see your children where you're living. There will be a time for mediation because it's cheaper than having solicitors do all the arguing but I think it's a good idea to keep your distance from her otherwise.

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