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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Dp has gone home in a huff

75 replies

Confusedbytechnology · 29/03/2014 21:13

Hi

Please be gentle as I am so upset.
We have been going through some serious issues outside our relationship.
Today our plans got messed up and he basically went off in a huff. He won't talk on the phone just says he needs some space and we will be ok etc.
Thing is I have something very stressful happening on Monday and I feel really let down by him. I have supported him lately through very tough times and feel this should be reciprocated.
I am tearful and probably won't sleep as we rarely spend a night apart. I really want to drive over there but think that will annoy him.
Thoughts?

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SirChenjin · 29/03/2014 21:15

Honestly? I think that you should leave him well alone and give yourself time to think about whether you want him and your relationship in your life.

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ThefutureMrsTatum · 29/03/2014 21:22

Hi. Sorry your upset. That's really crappy of him and over something so small such as plans going wrong. I would let him have his time as to not aggravate the situation further, hopefully he will see he is being a bit of an idiot when he has calmed down. Keep yourself busy for a couple of hours, put something on the telly or have a bath to pass an hour. I assume you know where he has gone? Don't bother going there it may just provoke an even bigger argument.

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Confusedbytechnology · 29/03/2014 21:25

Thanks
Yes he's at home
I just feel abandoned and tearful. He's had an unbelievably tough few years and things haven't improved in the last few months. I feel I'm the whipping boy for his frustration and unhappiness really. I love him so much though and I just need a hug really

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Quinteszilla · 29/03/2014 21:28

Does he like to be the center of attention, and you having something important on Monday took the attention away from his and his hardship for a moment?

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BookABooSue · 29/03/2014 21:28

'we will be ok'
Believe what he is saying and let him have his space. Look after yourself, try to relax and get into a more positive frame of mind about Monday where you can support yourself through it. Not because he won't support you but so that his support is a bonus not a necessity. You've said there are serious issues to be dealt with, they bring their own stresses and he might not be best placed to support you just now.

Don't drive over. Either he means he needs the space or he's being an attention seeking diva. In both cases, the best thing you can do is stay where you are and let him come round. Don't let this weekend become about humouring him, just focus on preparing for your Monday.

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Confusedbytechnology · 29/03/2014 21:30

Maybe. He's so mired in unhappiness at the moment I don't think he can see past that. I really needed some tlc. Maybe it's over who knows? 2 nights ago he was saying I don't want to loose you. Am so confused. I am literally the only person he has.

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Quinteszilla · 29/03/2014 21:31

Do you feel it is your responsibility to keep him happy? To be a shoulder for him to lean on?

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Confusedbytechnology · 29/03/2014 21:34

Yes I do feel I'm his shoulder. He has no contact with family etc. He likes spending time with my family for that reason.
It's hard as we never fall out really and I hate the silence. Daughter has now taken pity on me and we are watching a film in bed

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SirChenjin · 29/03/2014 21:36

He doesn't have to lose you - but the way he's behaving sounds awful (to an outsider). Once things have calmed down a bit then I would suggest you need to sit down and have a serious talk about appropriate behaviour and what he plans to do in terms of getting help from professionals. I'm sorry he's having a shit time, but he's dragging you down too by the sounds of it - and that's not fair.

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Quinteszilla · 29/03/2014 21:36

Interesting that, when you needed support and attention he has gone home in a sulky huff. ...

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BeCool · 29/03/2014 21:38

Can you just say you him "I need a hug?"

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Confusedbytechnology · 29/03/2014 21:43

Yes I can say that normally.
I think things have got so bad he's venting. Which I get but I hate conflict of any kind esp silence

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ThefutureMrsTatum · 29/03/2014 21:44

Glad you have your daughter with you, kids are a natural anti-depressant, and I'm sure she'll give you loads of cuddles. I think sometimes men just don't realise how much they lean on you for support, and when you need them they just bail and go and act like a little boy again. it sounds like your working hard at your relationship and it will hit some bumps along the way, trust what he says and give him his space.
good luck for Monday.

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Confusedbytechnology · 29/03/2014 21:48

Thank you Mrs T we are watching the hangover.
The problem is I don't think I have ever loved a man as much as him (I'm 47)
Being apart is hard. I have a physical ache :((

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SolidGoldBrass · 29/03/2014 21:49

SO he's got no friends and no family, and you are his only support?

This is because he's an arsehole. He will have drained everyone else dry while giving them no support in return, which is why they've all dumped him. SUggest you do the same.

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morethanpotatoprints · 29/03/2014 21:51

BookABooSue

Has it right, imo

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Confusedbytechnology · 29/03/2014 21:54

It's not a simple as that.
He committed a crime and his family didn't support him at all.
His mum died of cancer a few years ago
He's never met his dad
His last gf died of a heart attack
I could go on

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ThefutureMrsTatum · 29/03/2014 21:56

Ah good film!
he doesn't have to be the best man in the world for you to love him and ache for him. embrace the feeling of wanting him and let him know when he's come round how much you missed him. He sounds a little lost, leave him to find his way.

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Zazzles007 · 29/03/2014 21:57

People who are not adult enough to step up and support you when you need it aren't worth having in your life. A partnership is based on mutual love, respect and support. So for the last 3 years you have been supporting him, and now that you need some support, he throws his toys out of the pram and goes home? Bin this man-child and look for someone who will treat you as an equal and not his mother.

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LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/03/2014 21:59

You love each other, you rarely spend a night apart, but he doesn't live with you?

To me, this is odd.

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ThefutureMrsTatum · 29/03/2014 22:00

My DH is similar, last GF died in an accident, they had been together 8 years and he has never met his dad. He also suffers with severe depression. He's a kind of lost soul sometimes and an arse some of the rest of the time, but he's my arse and I love him.

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Confusedbytechnology · 29/03/2014 22:01

We have only been together for four months but we fell in love quite quickly

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BookABooSue · 29/03/2014 22:08

Hmm, read back your posts and see how much of them are about him. Where are you and your feelings? You can't make him step up but you can take this time for you.
A wise person once said 'don't confuse pity with love'. He's had a difficult time but he has to bring more to the relationship than that. But I'm falling into your trap of making it all about him. It isn't. This weekend is about you, and getting ready for your stressful Monday.

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SirChenjin · 29/03/2014 22:12

He obviously has a lot of issues. Taking them into a new relationship before resolving them and dragging you down is not right. Your daughter should see her Mum in a positive, healthy, loving, fun, supportive relationship, not one that makes her feel as if she's someone's whipping boy, fgs.

It all sounds very intense and dramatic - but not healthy.

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MaryMungoAndMidgies · 29/03/2014 22:16

Listen to SGB, please please please.

I have been in your shoes. My ex didn't speak to his family, he had no friends, and was snide about his work colleagues and his exes were "messed in the head".

I was his saviour, the only thing that kept him going. But he could sulk like you wouldn't believe if I "wronged" him or didn't take his side if he'd had an argument with someone. It was always the other party's fault. Be it road rage, supermarket rage, work spats, quarrels with his neighbours about parking, everything.

He wore me down very gradually and almost without me noticing. I found myself always backing down, he wouldn't contact me for days if we rowed, I always seemed to make the first move. He refused to seek help, I was at fault for making him feel down and not being supportive. I tried to help him for so long, but it sucked the essence out of me.

I, like you, thought he was my world. It wasn't until I left that I realised he wasn't. You shouldn't have to ask for his support. It should be there unconditionally. Wait for him to call you, at very least.

You'll be fine on Monday, stay strong and if you have a wobble, come on here.