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It just hit me that he is never coming home

(22 Posts)
AndreaApples Sat 29-Mar-14 16:22:23

My DH of 3 years left me a few months ago unexpectedly. He left in a horrible way, acted like he hated me and blamed me for the whole thing. He was pissed off at me about a relatively minor argument and it seemed like he'd blown it way out of proportion so I thought it would just be temporary.

He had never behaved anything like that before so I was confused and didn't understand why.

There was no specific other woman but he was definitely seeking it. He was on dating sites and going out with the lads within a few weeks of leaving and I have noticed he's started going to the gym and lost weight. Obviously trying to replace me and I have seen some of the women he has been chatting to and they are much older / fatter / less attractive so I am lost for ideas over why. I don't think he has had much luck because he is gagging for sex off me.

He and I got back together and split again three times in the past few months with me being a bit desperate in the process but I found out recently that he was possibly mucking around behind my back within the marriage and that he'd lied about a few things. This is all just possible, but when I questioned him he got caught in minor lies and so I decided he was not trustworthy.

After finding that out I told him never to contact me again so we don't speak now. I am always fighting the urge to call or text him because I miss him so much and just can't believe any of this happened.

I just moved into my own flat after a few months spent with a friend. I have been cracking on with the practicalities, working as much as I can, seeing friends as much as possible but I am just so lonely and can't shake it.

Today I finished unpacking boxes and suddenly all the adrenalin wore off and the pain really hit me and I can't even cry it's just like a crushing pain and I can hardly catch my breath.

I can't believe he's gone and never coming back. I know he has been horrible, but he wasn't before so it is just really painful.

I can't believe I am alone and feel so sad and desperate. I was going to call a friend, but after so many months they are all sick of it I am sure.

I am just in denial over all of this because he was such an amazing and loving husband until the day he did this. No trumpet blowing at all but I was always the more attractive one, I had the better job, I was the one with more friends and people sort of wondered why I was with him. The reason was he was so nice, kind, lovely, sweet and treated me so well. I just always thought he'd never leave me and so him doing all this has left me taken aback.

I loved him so much and still do. I know he didn't love me as much as I loved him because he would not have done this, but I don't know how to get over it or feel better.

Has anyone been through a shock split like this where they found out their DH was not who they thought he was? Or where he turned nasty? Do things improve and what can I do to get this pain out of my system?

I used to feel good about myself but I just feel so bad about myself and keep wondering what it was about me that wasn't good enough. I am really scared of starting again. It was the first time in my life I let myself believe it was a lifetime commitment and it feels so alien to me to be sitting here all alone.

Please help me not call him and beg him to come back to me. I know he will, shag me, and then dump me again.

MadBusLady Sat 29-Mar-14 17:00:36

I'm sorry, this sounds awful. What a dick. Just a handhold really, I wish I had some advice other than remember, if you go back there, you'll have to go through the awful stage you're going through today again. If you resist and just get through the hours one at a time you are on your way to feeling good again.

something2say Sat 29-Mar-14 17:06:35

Aww sweetheart I get how you feel. This is it. And there is no way around it is there.

My advice to you is this.

Lie down and cry for a length of time and then get up, run a bath, put the tv on and get some dinner. You can't go over and over it all forever. There is nothing to go over.

You have had a shock. You need time. In time, you will get over it.

Therefore, fill the time up. Lie down and cry when you need to, but then get up and get on with things and let time pass until you feel better.

I'm sorry this happened to you. For what it's worth I don't think we exist on a scale of comparisons around type of job, number of friends etc. so you can't insure yourself against life happening. It happens to us all.

akaWisey Sat 29-Mar-14 17:17:18

Lots of people who post here know how it feels to discover the DP they thought they were with appears to have morphed into a completely cold, indifferent and selfish character so you're not alone, believe me, I was one of them.

But your post shows that you have so much going for you, you were the more successful (stronger, I suspect) and likeable of you both. You've done all the right things to try and start your life over again. The trouble is, once the initial buzz wears off that's when reality sinks in and it's where you're at now. But the good news is it gets better, not straight away, but it does. You're in control now, you've gone no contact (don't break that, you'd be back at square one) and it's one day at a time, one hour if necessary smile

AndreaApples Sat 29-Mar-14 17:23:19

I didn't mean to come across with a big head on my post, I know none of that makes any difference. It's just I wanted to get across that I never felt like the underdog or like I was in any danger of being left or traded in. I had a long term partner before who ran off with another woman and was not that shocked because he was always pretty far out of my league. I think the bits about the gym and dating sites might have suggested that he was some sort of ladies man but he was not like that at all. He's terrible with the ladies. When we first got together he stuttered whenever he talked to me.

No one thought he would ever be the type. I avoided marrying "bad boy type" and thought I'd bet on a safe horse but then like you say it can happen to anyone and I know that but it does make it more shocking.

People keep telling me it will pass I can't imagine ever not missing him or wanting him. He was different to everyone else to me and I am 35 and never loved anyone else that same way before. I don't know how to let go really.

Thank you for the responses, like you say it is like the man I thought I knew turning into a mean and selfish nasty pig very surprisingly and the more I cry and beg the meaner he gets.

akaWisey Sat 29-Mar-14 17:56:51

Nothing in your post suggests you are big-headed in any way in fact quite the opposite.

We're all capable of behaving in ways which are abhorrent, but most people choose not to. Let him go. Don't beg him for anything. He's not coming back all the while he knows he could so it's time for you to focus on you and rebuilding your life.

something2say Sat 29-Mar-14 18:40:24

You've mentioned leagues now. I don't wish to trample on you when you're down, but maybe there is something yet to be learned x maybe people are catches, maybe we are humans. Maybe you'll have an easier time of it next time x I hope so.

brokenhearted55a Sat 29-Mar-14 22:53:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenhearted55a Sat 29-Mar-14 22:57:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Mar-14 07:29:31

I agree with the PP that it's a bit of a set piece for someone to take advantage of a minor disagreement in order to wriggle out of the relationship, often because they have someone new. What strikes me about your description is that you assumed that an ugly man who stutters around women and was punching above his weight with someone like you (I paraphrase) was 'safer' than a handsome socially adept charmer. There's really no such thing, unfortunately. IME anyone is capable of behaving badly, however they look.

Sorry you're having a set-back but I think it's fairly normal, unfortunately. Hope today is a better day.

AndreaApples Sun 30-Mar-14 09:05:06

I know the way I phrased things took the post off track. It's not about being ugly or stuttering, it's more about being:

- the type of guy who doesn't have a history of chasing women
- the type of guy who didn't have commitment issues
- the type of guy who who was not mean or nasty before

Yes, I do think (judging from my friends husbands) that some men come across as more likely to behave badly than others (the wandering eye type or the type with a lacking sex life at home) and the point I was making was that mine seemed like he was very unlikely to be the type of person to act this way. I do know anyone is capable, it's just more surprising with some than others.

I know he might well be seeing someone else, it seems more like he is trying to see numerous other people. He acts like a dog on heat and I know the hating / blame towards me is classic guilt turned outwards.

I really posted for advice on how to cope emotionally, how things got better and to hear other people's experiences of their DH turning into a mean arshole when they left for a bit of support.

I'm sorry if the way I phrased things came out wrong.

NoEgowoman Sun 30-Mar-14 09:29:00

Maybe you are best to think about each day one at a time. The future will be fine because you will be over it by then. Think of it as each hour you get through and each day as a step towards the future where you will have sorted your head out and your life too. I know many women who are very happy with how things turned out meeting much nicer men following this kind of thing. But you must congratulate yourself for every day you get through because you're probably surviving a living hell at the moment.

ipswichwitch Sun 30-Mar-14 10:02:15

This sounds very familiar. My ex started becoming distant, blamed me for "spoiling the holiday" when I became ill and needed medical attention. Then on New Year's Eve he didn't come home from work, sent me a text saying how upset he was he didn't know what he wanted, blah blah, really a bunch of stuff all about him while I was home alone with gastroenteritis. When he finally showed his face we had a row and, you guessed it, that was the end of the relationship.

Problem was, he kept me dangling for 4 months with a load of crap about how he had to "find himself" piss off on expensive holiday, then sent me an email to my work account saying it was over and he never meant to hurt me, how bad he felt, more blah really.

I never had proof there was another woman but i strongly suspect there was. He had loads of lads nights out and work do's I could never go to (partners were allowed). Then he started dressing in designer gear and criticising me for looking too "studenty". Funnily enough, about 8 month after all this I saw him shopping with another woman, he looked really sheepish and I was very surprised to see how studenty she looked (very similar to me!)

I realise now his behaviour was to get me to end the realationship because he was too gutless to, but he wanted me hanging about behind the scenes in case this other woman didn't work out. This is why he was fairly reluctant to get his stuff and sort out selling the house - after that email I had to push hard to get him completely out of my life. That was so hard and I felt ill throughout the whole rotten mess. But, once he was out of my life for good it felt like a weight had been lifted. I could get on with life, start properly dating a lovely man I met (now my DH).

The only contact I had with ex after that was to inform him his cat he left behind with me had died. He turned up on my doorstep all gutted (so gutted he couldn't take his cat with him when he left?!) and I informed him he was never to darken my door again, I had moved on, was seeing someone new and he had no business bothering me again. He had the nerve to look crushed just before I shut the door in his face. That felt great!

I guess the point of my epic post is that I know how shit it feels at the time. You can come up smelling of roses, and I think life will start feeling better once you rid yourself I him for good. Him hanging about will only drag you down and damage your self esteem. Be strong, I never thought I could be, get him out of your life and start living it for you. You will be grieving the loss of your relationship and it will seem like that feeling will never end. It will once you take control and get rid for good. Otherwise he'll keep coming back and opening those wounds up all over again.

ipswichwitch Sun 30-Mar-14 10:05:22

Forgot to add - throw yourself into decorating your new place. That's what I did and I got some lovely stuff that I would never have had if I had still been with him because he hated it. That also felt good - doing something for me that I loved while childishly I know sticking 2 fingers up to him!

AndreaApples Sun 30-Mar-14 10:14:21

ispwichwitch that's a familiar story. DH also started to bring up stupid reasons with me. Such as my food allergy meaning he could not eat in his favourite restaurant, or that my brother getting a divorce gave us a big phone bill from family calls???? it seemed like scraping the barrel. He also turned cold and distant and when I emailed him long emails asking to discuss the issues he replied "I never meant to hurt you".

Thanks for letting me know things worked out for you in the end. I do think I need to stop hoping he will change his mind and start to feel "well rid". People keep saying that to me but I don't feel well rid, I feel desperate.

Have to admit there are some good bits of living alone. His golf trophies and snowboarding gear not hanging around and the place looks really pretty.

ipswichwitch Sun 30-Mar-14 10:25:20

I know it's pretty awful, that desperate feeling. However I think you will end up feeling much worse if you gang about for him, keeping yourself in limbo, then if he does come back you'll always know that you were the back up plan. I got my hard head in ince I realised that's where I was headed. You are worth much more than being some gits back up plan .

And enjoy your pretty house - mine looked so much nicer without all his gadgets and computer shite everywhere grin

ipswichwitch Sun 30-Mar-14 10:26:30

Sorry for the typos, not had my first cuppa of the day yet !

AndreaApples Sun 30-Mar-14 10:28:50

Yes I do know that if he came back know it could never be what it was before where I thought we both loved each other to bits and would never leave / abandon / hurt so I know what I am hoping for is not realistic. Yes computer shit is also gone. He had a whole chest unit full of cables. Dick!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Mar-14 10:35:33

On coping emotionally.... you do and you don't unfortunately so forewarned is forearmed. It's a grief process and there are phases and cycles. For a while adrenalin carries you through, then you can hit a bad patch for no real reason. What I found personally was that, as time wore on, the bad patches got further apart and the good times were less adrenalin-reliant. I think you have to make the most of the good days to do something that gets your feet going one in front of the other - make a few plans for the future so that you have something to look forward to - and deal with the bad days when they come best you can.

One day you'll realise you haven't thought about him for weeks ...

AndreaApples Sun 30-Mar-14 10:38:39

Did something like this happen to you cogito?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Mar-14 10:49:59

Oh yes. I was married to someone and, rather like yourself, I didn't think he was 'the type' to screw around. He was also capable of being intensely loving and kind but it was offset with some pretty selfish & emotionally manipulative behaviour that, looking back, I should have been a lot less tolerant of. But that's the benefit of hindsight. smile

It's ancient history for me so I can be objective about it rather than emotional. I remember where you are now and it's viscerally unpleasant... but it does pass.

AndreaApples Sun 30-Mar-14 11:08:31

I could have written that myself...looking back he was very selfish and emotionally manipulative. He got me to put off having kids (even though we got together on the understanding we both wanted them) citing that he wanted a few years to enjoy me alone first. He did a lot of stuff that I put down to being "clueless" rather than "heartless" and like you said I should have been a lot less tolerant. People are saying to me now "you never should have allowed that" and I see now with hindsight it was a bit off.

I need to hang on to those realities to realise I am probably better off or might find someone better. He did fulfil all my needs so that's hard to let go of. I think on some grand scale he was using me and no matter how soft and sweet he seemed he really only cared about himself on the deeper level.

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