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Controlling husband (opinions please ladies)

(23 Posts)
Lozzy123 Sat 29-Mar-14 16:20:51

So sorry its gonna be long. My husband decided to drive me to the local supermarket for me to do shopping (he and the baby waited in the car), anyway I was having a bit of a bad hair day so I put my hair in a ponytail with a headband on. He commented first as a joke saying why did I have it I took it as a joke later on when we got home he insulted me saying it looked ugly, and when I'm going out with him I should fix my hair or whatever but in a controlling way. I was pissed off. Tbh I think that's bs for the fact we don't even go out (as in days out with baby and so on). There's more but I don't want to babble and u guys get the idea. Am I over reacting or what?

Misfitless Sun 30-Mar-14 10:42:32

No, you're not over reacting, Lozzy.

Don't worry about babbling, your post isn't too long at all. If you are able to, it might help to give us a few more scenarios/experiences.

What happens if you retaliate, or stick up for yourself? Has it got to the stage where you just keep quiet to keep the peace?

curiousuze Sun 30-Mar-14 10:48:54

lozzy Does he try to control other aspects of how you look?

Sharaluck Sun 30-Mar-14 10:51:47

Not enough information to decide if it is controlling. But that was unkind of him. Why doesn't he want to spend time as a family on weekends?

BertieBotts Sun 30-Mar-14 10:53:18

The problem with controlling behaviour is that every one off can be easily explained away as a bad day or a misunderstanding or feel like it isn't important enough to matter.

But the effect of constant control is devastating, when it becomes every little thing, even down to a hairstyle, it just starts to chip away at you.

CailinDana Sun 30-Mar-14 10:55:08

Telling you your hair looked ugly is mean and nasty. For that alone I would say he's a rubbish husband.

Why didn't he go shopping with you?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 30-Mar-14 10:58:50

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

At the very least he is being unkind, at worse he is being controlling and controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

RedFocus Sun 30-Mar-14 11:56:08

He was shitty to say that about your hair but that alone isn't controlling.
My dh would never say anything like that even if it looks like the cat has thrown up in my hair and/or that I've used Homer Simpson's patented make up shotgun wink

Descalzada Sun 30-Mar-14 12:02:25

He makes you feel bad, bad generally and bad about yourself. This is not what a supportive man would do. A good relationship is not like that.

You sound like you can hardly articulate what it is that is so hard to live with, but this behaviour is so insidious. They can control you with silences, off-the-cuff put downs, disapproving looks...........

I'm going to guess that the fact that you've posted, and the fact that you're so unsure of your own gut feeling means that you are being controlled. Why would any woman doubt her own feelings? but when you've been in a relationship where you are 'trained' to bury your own feelings and wants and yet have a heightened awareness of HIS moods and so on............. it is what happens. You doubt your own logical reaction to be treated badly!!

WitchWay Sun 30-Mar-14 14:42:23

You weren't going out "with him" because he is one of those men who sits in the car while "the wife" goes round the supermarket angry
Sounds like a knob

WitchWay Sun 30-Mar-14 14:46:36

Why did he drive you anyway? Was it to make sure you were where he thought you were? Or don't you drive?

what other controlling behaviour does he have.
I think that driving you to the supermaket and waiting sounds controlling, he could have gone back home and you phoned him when you were finished. Don't worry about long post that what these sites are for!! :-)

Lozzy123 Sun 30-Mar-14 21:35:30

Thanks for the responses x

Lozzy123 Sun 30-Mar-14 21:38:12

@witchway no I don't drive

Descalzada Sun 30-Mar-14 23:01:48

If you said you wanted to drive would he be supportive and willing to pay for that (without making you feel bad about the cost). Would he say 'great, let's get you on the road', or would he bitch and gripe about the cost of driving lessons and be really unsupportive ?

Lozzy123 Mon 31-Mar-14 02:21:54

He will be supportive, not willing to pay though. I was learning to drive but I was heavily pregnant so had to stop (I funded myself). I don't have a problem with the cost it's just finding the time and also considering "his time" as he works.

Lozzy123 Mon 31-Mar-14 02:22:33

Meant to say I was learning to drive before

daffodildays Mon 31-Mar-14 10:48:38

'not willing to pay though'

Here is something someone said to me, about my ex - if someone is mean with money, they are mean in spirit. It was very true.

Lovingfreedom Mon 31-Mar-14 10:51:57

Tell George Clooney in the passenger seat there to shove it up his arse...I'm angry on your behalf

Descalzada Mon 31-Mar-14 11:29:35

Yeh, you're married. The fact that he is not willing to pay to get one half of 'The Team' on the road is really demoralising for you. So, basically you remain in the dependent role, he remains the financial controller "supportive" but unwilling to pay?! that's a bit of a dead end there.

I'm not judging. I've been through it. My x grudged every penny spent on me!

You say you funded previous driving lessons yourself. So, you've funded this out of personal savings but he controls the joint finances.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be concerned at all. My relationship was like this and it was very difficult. I sympathise.

shiny123 Mon 31-Mar-14 12:44:19

To many posts just barking orders of do's and dont's. Why do so many people want to tell you what to do? Why can't opinions just be expressed and the poster think things through?
Just asking.

Lovingfreedom Mon 31-Mar-14 12:49:37

I think mine was the only post telling OP what to do...I'll rephrase 'in my opinion your husband would benefit from taking a long look at himself before he criticises the appearance and behaviour of others around him and he might be helped along with this much-needed introspection by inserting his own head into his anus...I've heard this can be a very effective method. Good luck OP. I hope you find some helpful support on this thread' wink

Descalzada Mon 31-Mar-14 13:43:14

/Don't see those shiny123. you could be........... wrong smile

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