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Need some advice. How do I improve my sex drive?

(21 Posts)
ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 29-Mar-14 12:16:03

Married with two dc age 5 & 2.

since dc2 sex has dwindled right down. my confidence isn't very good and I can't bear to be touched most of the time. dh says he still really fancies me but I can't see why. I look in the mirror and see this fat, stretched, saggy mess.

most of the time I reject dh's advances and I think it's beginning to hurt his feelings now.

I dont know how to put it right. I know they say the more you do it the nore you want to do it but if I don't want to jn the first placr what am I supposed to do? just go along with it?

if someone said to me I could never have sex again I dont think id mind.

feeling really down about all this now. feeling like im not good enough. told dh he might as well cut his losses because I cant see it improving so he can go and be happy with someone who can give him what I cant sad sad

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 29-Mar-14 12:20:30

oh and further info I am only 26 and not on amy contraception. dh has had vasectomy he is 30 so it's not a subconscious worry over getting pregnant or anything.

BalloonSlayer Sat 29-Mar-14 12:42:20

A few questions:

Are you still breastfeeding?

Is it possible you have PND? Your view of yourself is in direct contrast with your DH's view, you sound really down about yourself.

What was your view of sex before you had your DCs. Did you ever have worries because you didn't want to get pregnant when you were younger? Or did you mainly feel it wouldn't be a disaster if you got pregnant? Most people are a mix of the two I'd say, but I do wonder whether knowing that you can't get pregnant again has affected you.

Sorry for all the questions!

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 29-Mar-14 12:54:37

not bfing no.

dc1 was a happy accident. dc2 was very much wanted but very difficult to conceive. I have pcos. suffered lots of mcs.

pre dh my view of sex was the total opposite. one night stands etc. met dh and realised what it was like to have sex that actually meant something. very positive experience etc. dc2 such a difficult pregnancy and very high risk birth. not sure if that has anything to do with it.

historical rape when I was 18 also plays a part I think. sad sad

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 29-Mar-14 12:55:09

and it would be a total disaster to get pg hence the vasectomy that was done when dc2 was about 1.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Mar-14 13:02:42

Sounds like you derive a lot of your confidence and self-worth from your appearance and that self-consciousness about your body is holding you back and making you feel inadequate. If previous relationships were shallow/meaningless ONS pick-ups based on looks etc then your feelings make sense. Sexual assault is a nasty experience that can colour subsequent attitudes. Some respond by rejecting sex as a way to regain control, others go completely the other way.

Leaving sex to one side, how is the relationship otherwise? Are you physically/emotionally close? Do you have plenty in common? Is it an equal partnership? Does everyone pull their weight? Do you enjoy each other's company?

TDada Sat 29-Mar-14 13:08:41

sorry to hear about the coward who attacked you. please do talk it through with your DH so that you both understand each other perspectives.

-It would be good if all affection didn't have to end in sex.
-Please try to be affectionate to him sometimes

you both need to be patient with each other and you should seek whatever support you need.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 29-Mar-14 13:09:11

very equal, both work, both do equal childcare and household duties are very fair.

probably could be more emotionally connected but I think I push him away.

I didnt even realise the thing when I was 18 constituted rape until I read a thread on here about two years ago.

ive grown up with my mum who is hooked on anti ds so I really dont want to go down that route.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 29-Mar-14 13:09:38

and you're right. all my confidence is based on my looks. something I worry about every day.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 29-Mar-14 13:10:33

I have been open about the issues I have and how they would impact on my sex drive and he is patient.

TeWiSavesTheDay Sat 29-Mar-14 13:10:54

I think you should speak to your GP (or a friendly female one at your practice) loss if sex drive could be a symptom of a medical problem that can be treated.

TeWiSavesTheDay Sat 29-Mar-14 13:14:55

I am not saying you are depressed btw, there are other medical possibilities.

You do sound quite down on yourself though. Have you ever considered counselling? It's quite common for issues you thought were buried to come back after you've had children. It happened to me and I found counseling really helpful.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 29-Mar-14 13:21:29

I'm going to have to go to dr aren't I. i work at the dr surgery where I'm registered blush

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Mar-14 13:22:38

You worry that your confidence is based on your looks or you worry about your looks? Age 26, this is as good as you're ever going to look... In ten years' time you'll see a picture of you the way you are now and wonder why on earth you ever thought you were 'fat, stretched and saggy'.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 29-Mar-14 13:25:58

I worry about both aspects. I worry about my looks and I worry about worrying about them iyswim.

I worried about it ten years ago and I do exactly as you describe now. I looked awesome back then I thought I looked shit.

BalloonSlayer Sat 29-Mar-14 14:59:09

"I didnt even realise the thing when I was 18 constituted rape until I read a thread on here about two years ago."


. . . and you have a DC aged 2 and you say your sex life began to dwindle since having him/her. So about 2 years ago.

The two things seem to have happened at the same time.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 29-Mar-14 17:16:29

Sounds about right yes.

not really sure how I'm supposed to deal with it tho.

I really don't feel like counselling would be a good idea raking everything up again.

notyetpastit Sat 29-Mar-14 18:53:17

So sorry you feel so bad coconuts but glad your husband is supportive of you.

Please don't dismiss counselling - it will bring these things that worry you so much to the fore which is better than keeping it inside all the time. It will help improve the way you perceive yourself as well as put things into perspective.

TDada Sat 29-Mar-14 23:16:26

Remember that a significant part of your appeal is how you feel about yourself. So reconnect with yourself...start liking yourself again and that will help a great deal.

BOFtastic Sun 30-Mar-14 03:35:51

I really think that you have to allow yourself to accept the love and affection of your DH, who knows you best. It's not like you have to prance around in the glare of the sun in your undies, but you deserve to feel some sensual enjoyment in a dim room under the covers, if that's what makes you relaxed. I know that having very young children can make you feel 'touched out', and that it can all seem like a set of demands on you, but it would really help you to refocus and see physical affection from him as the nurturing love it is. You are not a set of post-childbirth flaws; you are the woman he adores, and trusting in that will help you allow yourself pleasure and intimacy, which will boost your happiness massively.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sun 30-Mar-14 09:30:03

Shucks BOF that made me tear up.

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