Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

how quickly did you move in with your dh?

(28 Posts)
ScottishPies Sat 29-Mar-14 10:23:51

I'm facing a dilemma. I've been seeing dp for 3wks, knew him for about 6months previously. He's lovely and its all going v well and v quick.

We live 25miles apart.

I'm 6mths into a 1yr career break - will need to find a new job as left old job.

I sold my house last yr (took 3yrs to sell) and have been staying with my parents since Dec, looking for somewhere to rent in their village. Just found a nice place yesterday.

I split from a very up&down year long relationship in Dec. (split had nothing to do with current dp - i didn't know he liked me and i didn't think of him other than a friend who i occasionaly bumped into)

New dp has said why bother wasting money on rent stay with me & lets see how it goes. I'll still keep some stuff at my parents.

Its not been easy staying at my parents - i'm 43yrs (no kids) and they live in a small house. I've struggled to adjust to not having my own space and my parents, though very nice, do drive me up the wall on occasion.

He is a loving generous person and i have been very cautious since we met looking out for red flags, but nothing to bad so far (rose tinted glasses??) Our first date ended up lasting 3days, & we've only had about 5 days apart since we met despite the 25miles distance. He works from home.

Do i throw caution to the wind and stay with him and see how it goes? Or should i rent 25miles away? (don't want to rent near dp - too expensive & don't know anyone)

Dirtybadger Sat 29-Mar-14 10:27:10

I would rent, and consider all the over commitment and in too deep stuff your first red flag.

spiffysquiffyspiggy Sat 29-Mar-14 10:42:36

I'm a bit of an extreme example. grin Worked with dh for 6 months and knew him socially. Went on a leaving do one Friday and went home with him that night (totally unexpected). Went back to my own flat Sunday night then back to his on the Tuesday and stayed permanently after that. 11 years and 3 children later we are still together.

Kept my tenancy going for another 6 months but only ever went back to pick things up. I wasn't living with him out of necessity though, I just wanted to be there.

bestsonever Sat 29-Mar-14 10:47:35

Agree, rent first, then see how it goes and move somewhere new together, at least as tenants in common, if things go well. Strongly advise not to move in with someone who maintains sole ownership of their house while you help with mortgage repayments.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 29-Mar-14 10:48:38

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

I am hoping that you are not simply jumping from one previously poor relationship into yet another.

You've known this man for six months and yet after 3 weeks he is suggesting that you move in with him?!. I would rent the 25 miles away and certainly not throw caution to the wind here. You still barely know each other and moving in with him also puts you completely dependent on him. He works from home so what would you do all day long?.

Mrswellyboot Sat 29-Mar-14 10:52:11

I waited until we got married. So knew him eight years. Together two.

I would get your own place and wait until a year or so.

SharpLily Sat 29-Mar-14 10:54:11

Er, after four days. If it feels right, do it, but not simply out of convenience.

gamerchick Sat 29-Mar-14 10:55:35

I lived with the husband nearly 2 years after we were married.. so no jumping in then. grin

From what you've said I really wouldn't move in with him yet... what's the rush? I know you're probably at the velcro stage and it's Intoxicating but there really is no rush.

RedFocus Sat 29-Mar-14 11:01:35

After 4 months my dh and I moved in together properly. 5 years later and we stand by our decision, very happily. wink

napoleonsnose Sat 29-Mar-14 11:04:22

I know someone who went home with a fella one night and never left. They are still together 20+ years later! Personally though, I think it probably more sensible to rent for a bit to see how things go and then review the situation after the initial 6 months rental is up.

ScottishPies Sat 29-Mar-14 11:09:18

Thanks for your comments - all good. My head says rent but still there's that little voice.

His home is connected to his job so he doesn't have a mortgage or any bills. I'd not be paying for anything other than the food i ate and the clothes i wear. Financially is a massive plus point, as renting would take a massive chunk out of my career break budget, though i had budgeted to rent. And i'm certainly don't want to make this decision based on money alone - thats were disaster lies! (he's saving to do a self build.)

I understand the comment that its only been a relatively short time since my previously relationship ended in Dec and your right! I did think about it when dp first asked me out. Before my previous relationship i'd been single for 1.5yrs.

If only i was already renting before we started dating then this would not have come up - doh!

Pasithea Sat 29-Mar-14 11:12:27

We never dated. Knew him from work and just moved in together.

Creamycoolerwithcream Sat 29-Mar-14 11:13:11

My DH moved in with me after 6 weeks, that was almost 20 years ago and we are still going strong. I had lots of boyfriends before meeting my DH but never wanted to live with anyone before. If I were you though I'd rent in the place 25 miles away and reassses after 6 months.

louby44 Sat 29-Mar-14 11:13:19

It's too soon. My (now) exP moved in with me after 8 months and it was too soon. We bought a house together 5 months later. 6 years later he's now moved out of said house and is shacked up with a new bint after about 7 weeks.

We probably wouldn't have been together for so long if we hadn't got money tied up in a house.

QuietTiger Sat 29-Mar-14 11:14:05

DH and I were good friends for about 9 months before we started dating. We went away for the weekend about 6 weeks in to the relationship, and that was that.

We split our time between my house and his for about 9 months (so effectively living together) and then I moved into his house permanently. We were engaged after 6 months and married within a year of us first dating.

It was the right thing for us, but I wouldn't always recommend it - when we started the relationship, we both had financial security of our own, and the means to back out of the relationship without being "screwed over" because one was dependent on the other, IYSWIM?

I would recommend that you rent for 6 months - even if you spend most of your time at DP's, simply because it is your safety net while the relationship is in the first stages.

LaQueenOfTheSpring Sat 29-Mar-14 11:17:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary Sat 29-Mar-14 11:23:31

Well my first thought was to err on the side of caution but why not take the chance and move in. But I would only do this if it would be quite easy to move back to your parents or get your own flat if it doesn't work out.

BeforeAndAfter Sat 29-Mar-14 11:25:38

Definitely rent. You'll still be recovering from your last relationship even if you don't feel like that because you're all loved up right now.

I moved in with my exDP after a blissful summer of 2-week sleepovers (neither of us work in offices so we're flexible) with me going back home every other weekend. In the summer it was heavenly - long walks, long cycle rides in the beautiful Scottish countryside. As I lived in London and he lived in Scotland I moved in with him permanently in October after 7 months of heaven.

The intensity of being together 24/7 (he felt 'responsible' for me as I'd moved 400 miles from friends and family) was just too much - especially for him - and we have just had the saddest parting you can ever imagine. I'm back in London (never sold up). Had we lived but 25 miles from each other I suspect we'd still be together.

Give it time and don't underestimate the impact of being together 24/7. It's blissful now but give a few months...

BeforeAndAfter Sat 29-Mar-14 11:35:10

Just to add, I do think age matters here; I'm late 40s and compromise definitely gets more difficult when you've been independent and you've been around the block.

TheWickerWoman Sat 29-Mar-14 11:46:37

I rushed into the relationship I am in now, I was pregnant pretty quick and we moved in together quick, a matter of a few months. We've had our Ups and downs (mainly at the beginning) but now 6 years on we are getting married in September, I took the gamble and it worked. It wasnt easy though.

I'm not saying it's the right thing to do and I guess you also want out of your patents quicker but sometimes it does work.

TheWickerWoman Sat 29-Mar-14 11:49:23

**parents. Sorry, silly phone.

SignoraStronza Sat 29-Mar-14 11:49:38

I was in a ldr (4-5.5 hours by car or train) with dh and we moved in together just shy of 2 years after we got together (although had known each other for 10+ years, mainly keeping track of each others' goings on via fb and mutual friends).

Reasons being were complex - I had a toddler dc and had not long fled my ex and was worried about Hague convention issues. DC was settling well into pre school and getting to know grandparent/speak English etc. On dh's part, he was finishing his distance learning masters and also doing a lot of travelling with work.

We got engaged after 2.5 months though - and married six months after finding a place to rent together!

ScottishPies Sat 29-Mar-14 12:05:44

Thanks everybody - some lovely stories and lots of things to consider. The more i read the stronger the feelings i have about needing a safety net and i agree with eveyone who commented about the difficulties of 24/7 living togethet, especially as i don't have the distraction of work or kids.

Sorry can't name check individually as on my phone (laptop issues).

Also the v wise person who said i'm probably still mourning the end of the previous relationship - this is probably right.

Mum-netters give great advice smile

TheWickerWoman Sat 29-Mar-14 23:11:46

Good luck smile

MexicanSpringtime Sun 30-Mar-14 02:54:41

Yes, it sounds too intense to me, you not working and him working from home.
As one of the only relationships I repent of was when I met someone who came back to my place that night and never left until we split up a year and a half later, I tend to err on the side of caution.
That being said my brother was married within ten days of knowing his wife and they are still happily married 35 years later.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: