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I gave someone my number yesterday. I have a DP :(

(55 Posts)
PollyCazaletWannabe Sat 29-Mar-14 10:17:57

Been with DP 9 years. We are both female. We haven't had the easiest relationship and we are going through a rough patch at the moment- bit that that excuses anything.

Yesterday I went to a conference. One of the speakers was a woman about my age or slightly older. She was clearly 'out' as gay as she spoke about an ex girlfriend and later said she was single, both as 'asides' during her presentation. The presentation was fantastic and made me admire her greatly as she is clearly a very gifted professional in my field.

After it had finished I went up to her and said quietly that I had never done this before but as she had mentioned an ex girlfriend and that she was single, maybe she'd like to go out for a drink sometime. She agreed, took my number and said she 'd text me.

I don't know what came over me! I now feel both guilty and confused. She hasn't texted me and probably won't but I don't know what I'd do if she did. I love my DP and am very confused by my actions. Talk me down please!

PollyCazaletWannabe Sat 29-Mar-14 10:30:59

Bump, sorry, very anxious, need urgent advice/slap round face!

MrsCosmopilite Sat 29-Mar-14 10:31:52

Sounds as though the speaker was very charismatic and that you were rather swept up in the moment.

I suppose the easiest thing would be to simply not respond to the text, should it arrive.

However, you may need to have a think about where you're at with your DP and where you see things going. You say you're going 'through a rough patch' but that you love your DP, so it sounds as though you're working on whatever issues you are having. Whether you would want to tell her that you gave your number to a random person or not, well, that is up to you, but IF the speaker rang you, what would you say or do?

PollyCazaletWannabe Sat 29-Mar-14 10:33:11

I wouldn't tell DP. She is already very jealous and suspicious, even though I have never ever cheated before or even thought about it.

PollyCazaletWannabe Sat 29-Mar-14 10:35:28

I honestly don't know what I'd do if this woman texted me. To be honest I would probably try to meet up with her. I think.

Mrswellyboot Sat 29-Mar-14 10:37:28

Don't meet the other woman, but you know that

I think it was the stage and her presence. She might not be all that and you owe it to your long term partner not to cheat. End it with partner if the relationship has run its course

WitchWay Sat 29-Mar-14 10:38:33

If you tried to meet her, then what? Did you fancy her, as well as being impressed by her? If so this suggests you might have real problems in your relationship. Where do you see your relationship going? Is it coming to a close do you think?

PollyCazaletWannabe Sat 29-Mar-14 10:39:54

You're right Mrswelly. It was so uncharacteristic for me- I have NEVER made the first move in all my 34 years! But I do owe it to DP not to cheat. I'm just worried that I had that impulse...

mansize Sat 29-Mar-14 10:42:03

"After it had finished I went up to her and said quietly that I had never done this before but as she had mentioned an ex girlfriend and that she was single, maybe she'd like to go out for a drink sometime. She agreed, took my number and said she 'd text me."

Sorry, but that's not really a slip up is it? It's actually quite calculated. Your girlfriend doesn't deserve to be treated like that. End it if you don't want to be with her, which it sounds like you don't.

PollyCazaletWannabe Sat 29-Mar-14 10:42:25

Tbh I didn't fancy her in that I wanted to rip her clothes off etc... But I did admire her and I always find intelligence very attractive. I am not one for instant physical attraction- I tend to want to get to know someone. So if she did text and I did meet her, it's highly unlikely there eould be any physical cheating as such. However, it would still be wrong, wouldn't it?

PollyCazaletWannabe Sat 29-Mar-14 10:43:46

I know mansize but it felt quite dreamlike- I honestly walked away afterwards thinking 'what have I just done?' It felt like an impulse decision, not calculated.

FetchezLaVache Sat 29-Mar-14 10:43:53

I think you're right to be worried, esp if you feel you would meet the other woman if you could. But you're right in that you owe it to your DP not to cheat- and to the potential new woman as well, because it reads like you gave her the impression you were unattached. Definitely thinking time.

MrsCosmopilite Sat 29-Mar-14 10:43:59

I honestly don't know what I'd do if this woman texted me. To be honest I would probably try to meet up with her. I think.

This suggests to me that everything is not so rosy with you and DP as you are wanting it to be. You say I do owe it to DP not to cheat - no, if the relationship were as stable and supportive as it should be, you would not have any desire to cheat. Fidelity is not an 'optional extra' surely?

I appreciate that you were overwhelmed with the other woman, but going behind your DP's back is not the way forward. If the relationship with your DP is in a bad way, then maybe it's time to call things to a halt, take some time out and then see what happens?

HermioneWeasley Sat 29-Mar-14 10:47:01

It's not ok to cheat. Work on your relationship or call it a day.

I'm not surprised your DW is jealous and suspicious!

WitchWay Sat 29-Mar-14 10:47:02

If you met it would be cheating even if there was nothing physical, as long as the meeting was concealed from your DP. Could she become a friend of both of you, or would jealous DP not cope with that?

PollyCazaletWannabe Sat 29-Mar-14 10:47:19

The thing is, I don't think I would actually cheat on DP physically. It's the fact that I had that impulse that worries me.

meditrina Sat 29-Mar-14 10:47:47

You must not meet her by specific arrangement. If you come across her again because of your work, then keep it strictly professional.

If she does text, then you can tell DP it's someone you gave your number to at a work event, that she was a good speaker potentially useful professional contact and leave it at that.

Lots of people notice other people they find attractive, and it's not uncommon to make impulsive (minor) mistakes. The real measure is what you learn from them in the cold light of day.

PollyCazaletWannabe Sat 29-Mar-14 10:48:28

Yes you're right witch, it would. I don't think she ever could become a friend of both of us, because as a PP said, I have her the impression I was unattached.

mansize Sat 29-Mar-14 10:48:30

"However, it would still be wrong, wouldn't it?"

Would you be comfortable if your girlfriend latched onto the fact another woman was single, asked her for a drink and took her phone number?

What you would do if you met up is sort of irrelevant here - the fact that you are pursuing another woman that way in the first place is the issue.

EverythingCounts Sat 29-Mar-14 10:48:45

You know it's not cool to cheat, so don't do it. Tell your partner you are having doubts about your future together and you need a break. Think over your feelings for the woman you've met. If you decide you want to pursue them, you should be honest with her too and say you are now coming out of a relationship. Agree with those saying there is a problem in your current relationship.

PollyCazaletWannabe Sat 29-Mar-14 10:49:34

Sorry, that should have been 'I gave her the impression I was unattached.'

Dirtybadger Sat 29-Mar-14 10:49:57

Also think about how this woman would feel were she to find out. I'd not want to go near someone with a barge pole if I found out our first "date" was whilst they were still attached! Work on the relationship or end things with dp. As someone else said. Don't meet her.

PollyCazaletWannabe Sat 29-Mar-14 10:51:34

You're all right about meeting the other woman. I won't , even if she does text me. However, I am still worried about what drove me to approach her in the first place sad

PollyCazaletWannabe Sat 29-Mar-14 11:01:32

Now have to stop myself from twitter stalking this woman. FGS POLLY GET A GRIP WOMAN!! I am behaving like a teenager...not cool.

Joules68 Sat 29-Mar-14 11:07:39

Does she live or work nearby?

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