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Everyday affection?

(19 Posts)
muchtooshy Sat 29-Mar-14 08:01:49

It kinda doesn't come naturally to me!

The guy I am seeing is physically affectionate with hand holding and kissing me hello and goodbye but it is always him making the first move. I want to be the one that does it first but I don't know why it makes me a bit nervous.

Is it something that you get better at? I am a shy person but I do want it to be more equal and don't want him to think that I don't care about him because I don't reach for him.

mansize Sat 29-Mar-14 08:17:06

It did for me. I generally do not like people touching me and feel very awkward receiving hugs. I actually actively dislike it in most cases. I recoil if somebody does that leg touch thing.

It took a while to 'melt the ice', so to speak, but now feel very comfortable - and love - being physically affectionate with my partner and regularly initiate it with him. It's something new to me, silly as that sounds (though not to you no doubt!)

I still do not like hugs from anybody else, though - no matter how well I know them or how close to them I am.

Take it slowly. Do you hold hands?

mansize Sat 29-Mar-14 08:18:51

Sorry, I've just seen you do hold hands.

Do you think you could tell him how you feel? Me partner already knew I found it difficult which helped a lot.

something2say Sat 29-Mar-14 09:24:56

Hey lovely.

Why not try pushing your comfort zone? Sit next to him and let part of your body touch his....and keep it there until you feel natural about it. Maybe try to touch his arm once a day in passing or something, or if he gives you a kiss, you give him a second one after that.

You'll soon get used to it.

muchtooshy Sat 29-Mar-14 10:09:40

It is the initiating that I have a problem with I think.

We sit together and he has his arm around me and we hold hands and I like all that. It doesn't make me uncomfortable but making the first move does.

I don't know why I find it so difficult.

mansize Sat 29-Mar-14 10:10:28

Are you worried he'll reject it?

muchtooshy Sat 29-Mar-14 10:13:23

Yes in a way. And I am worried that I am bad at things like kissing.

Logg1e Sat 29-Mar-14 10:22:31

Why do you think he might reject you? Or that you're bad at kissing? Where does that come from?

muchtooshy Sat 29-Mar-14 10:26:26

I was kind of a late starter. Always really shy when I was young and didn't have my first kiss until I was 25.

Thinking about it rationally I don't think he would actually reject me but I feel kinda self conscious about it.

Logg1e Sat 29-Mar-14 10:31:11

I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel how you feel, and you also seem to know on a more logical basis that one thing needn't necessarily mean another. I.e. having your first kiss at 25 doesn't mean you'll be rejected in your current relationship.

(I actually suspect that the kiss at 25 is not the cause, but another result of a much earlier cause - but that's just a guess).

I think you need to tell your partner exactly what you've said here. "I really like you, I love kissing and cuddling and holding your hand. But I feel that you always initiate physical affection and I want to be the person who does it first sometimes, but I'm just nervous about being rejected".

And then see what he says. (I find this kind of conversation easier in the car).

muchtooshy Sat 29-Mar-14 12:56:54

I will have a chat with him hopefully! We had a similar chat really early on and he didn't really understand why I didn't have much confidence in myself. I really like him but feel like I am waiting for something to go wrong or for him to figure out that I am not the perfect person he thinks I am.

TDada Sat 29-Mar-14 13:03:40

Dont't worry - it sounds as though he is comfortable making the move. Relax and enjoy. You are not pulling away from him so that is okay

LesserOfTwoWeevils Sat 29-Mar-14 13:44:00

It sounds as thought your issue is really low self-esteem, and the hesitancy about making the first move is just a symptom of that.

So baby steps in dealing with the showing-affection issue may help a bit, but perhaps you should also address the bigger picture.

Otherwise showing affection may just go on being a struggle for you.

muchtooshy Sun 30-Mar-14 10:10:00

He does seem comfortable making the first move but I want to tackle this issue that I seem to have early on.

I have never had much confidence but I have been working on it and have improved a lot. Even though we haven't known each other long he seems to understand me a lot which is kinda weird!

HairyGrotter Sun 30-Mar-14 10:13:36

It was something I got better at, but with the right person. My DP is affectionate, I wasn't very affectionate when we first started dating, I was open with him about this, he was patient and now I'm more affectionate than I ever thought I could be.

He makes me feel so loved and comfortable that it doesn't even cross my mind anymore, if I want a kiss I grab him, our hands naturally gravitate toward each other's when walking etc.

It took time, but I'm so happy I found a man who accepted me for me and never tried to change me grin

Take your time, relax and enjoy!

TDada Sun 30-Mar-14 14:19:05

Hairy- always great to hear about lovebirds....good example for OP to follow.

muchtooshy Sun 30-Mar-14 18:57:52

That is good! I don't think this guy would try to change me but I want it to be fair and I want to know that I can get over this shyness or whatever it is.

oldfashionedgirl Mon 31-Mar-14 18:25:58

I need to learn this too. I think mine stems back to a childhood where there wasn't much affection shown physically even though there was love.

muchtooshy Wed 02-Apr-14 18:21:50

I just don't want a major drama in my brain just because I want to hold his hand.

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