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I need to sort myself out

(13 Posts)
StuckInTheMudd Sat 29-Mar-14 07:45:49

I got out of an emotionally abusive marriage last year. A couple of months ago, out of the blue, I met a man I really liked and we dated. We were in touch a lot and I thought we had really connected. I behaved a bit oddly (some of you may have read my post under the name embarrassing poo) and he dumped me. I heard from a friend that he had said he didn't want to get involved in all my baggage because he is not attracted to me enough. Ouch.

So I am now obsessing. I've convinced myself he would have been the perfect guy. I'm so sick of thinking like this because I know he wasn't really.

How do I sort myself out. It's a completely disproportionate reaction to the length of the relationship (if you would even call it that). I've always done this, found it impossible to get over a guy until I have met another and I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be happy just me and my daughter and focus on friends and work but it keeps popping into my head and getting me really down.

A couple of people on my last thread suggested counselling which I don't want to do at this stage as I have just
Moved and finances are a bit tight. I will do it though if I can't sort this out myself.

Is there any steps I can take to forget about the hurt and learn to be happy on my own and not to care what people think. Also to stop obsessing. God, I sound like a crazy person don't i?

I know there are bigger problems out there but if someone has any experience, please help and give me a kick up the bum


StuckInTheMudd Sat 29-Mar-14 07:49:14

I need to add that I know a lot of it is being happy in yourself, and that's the bizarre thing, I'm not unhappy in myself. I've always been pretty confident so it's not as if that is a major issue

StuckInTheMudd Sat 29-Mar-14 07:53:29

Also, I am stalking him online a ridiculous amount and it's making me despise myself for being so pathetic.

I won't add anymore, promise

littlemrschatterbox Sat 29-Mar-14 08:12:15

One thing you need to do, over anything else, is to start being kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack. You have just come out of an emotionally abusive marriage and that will have left you mentally scarred. You really liked the new guy and he probably gave you a bit of hope that you could have a nice and normal relationship. Thing is, he doesn't want you. You must take your focus off him and let him go.

Hypnotherapy is brilliant and would help you but obviously costs money. I have lots of Glenn Harrold and Paul McKenna which are very helpful. I can't see any CDs that would specifically help you but Paul McKenna does have a book called, "I can mend your broken heart" which might be worth a read.

EFT is also very effective. Check out Brad Yates on YouTube. He has lots of videos that can help with all sorts of emotional issues. Yes, the tapping is weird but it does work!!!

Best of luck.

StuckInTheMudd Sat 29-Mar-14 08:35:05

Thanks! thanks Your first paragraph made me cry, I'm such a silly mess! All great tips I will definitely get researching now x

Pollypoison Sat 29-Mar-14 08:41:17

I can recommend Paul McKenna's 'I Can Mend Your Broken Heart' ...really helped me.

Squeegle Sat 29-Mar-14 08:47:42

Agree about be kind to yourself.
There is a fantastic website called baggage reclaim which I found unbelievably helpful when I was going through similar. It really helped illuminate for me why I was attracted to unsuitable men and how I allowed them to get into my headspace and become obsessed!

She also wrote a book which for me was literally life changing. It's called mr unavailable and the fallback girl. I found it SO useful. So close to the bone.

Another thing I did btw which helped me to stop obsessing and stop Facebook stalking, was to send myself timed messages from an app. I can't remember what it was called- but you could send yourself messages reminding yourself to stay strong. It worked actually. But the biggest thing that changed my mindset was that book.

Good luck!

something2say Sat 29-Mar-14 09:28:26

I think....

Stop the online searching. It makes you feel bad every time right? Exactly. So stop doing it.

Start doing self esteem exercises. I like the one where you have to say 'I am pleased with myself today because I....' And come up with ten reasons, say the sentence ten times, this will give you good energy from yourself.

Good luck x. And if you get caught in a spiral of thoughts, stop as soon as you catch yourself and do a punishment of saying I love myself ten times. You will really notice the difference between self love and self hate and you have to actively choose self live at times.

littlemrschatterbox Sat 29-Mar-14 10:15:34

Oh bless you!

You're probably not ready for the new guy yet. Have some space and work on yourself for a bit. You need to do things that feel good and Facebook stalking is not where it's at! I know it's very tempting. I've been there myself but constantly focusing on him and the fact that he doesn't want you is just going to make you feel crap.

Watching this thread so keep us updated... x

StuckInTheMudd Sat 29-Mar-14 10:27:48

Thank you everybody!

I know I know I need to stop. You can't make someone like you, but I just keep playing things over and over and think if I hadn't been so awkward and over thought everything he might still! And then I get completely irrational and think what if there is no one out there as good?!

2fedup Sat 29-Mar-14 10:32:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WitchWay Sat 29-Mar-14 10:40:33

You could probably access counselling free of charge via your GP.

StuckInTheMudd Sat 29-Mar-14 11:51:22

Thanks for all the tips, I'll definitely look into all of them.

I'm not sure I feel right asking the gp for a referral, I feel like that is for people with depression or people who can't afford it, not some weird woman who cannot accept a man she knew for two months doesn't want to be with her!

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