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Physical side of relationship fading, need advice(13 Posts)
My husband and i met in 7 years ago and married 2 years ago, we have a 3yr old DS. We are both in our mid forties and work FT.
The physical side of our relationship is fading, no sex in the last 2 years and I desperately need advice. We both find one another attractive etc. but it's the old expression 'women need to feel loved to have sex' and I'm not feeling loved.
Is this the same for other women and if so what does 'feeling loved' mean to you? To me it means feeling nurtured, financially secure, helping around the house, sharing pick up/drop off and play time with DS etc. for me once these are all in place I would feel 'wanted/loved' and I know things would improve. He's very good at small stuff around the house (that I've left for weeks and manage to calmly point out that his pile of stuff needs tidying etc) but after he's 'been good' for a couple of days he expects sex and it doesn't work like that for me.
Before marriage sex was good, regular and very fulfilling but since DS has arrived on the scene if feels like my husband thinks his life will continue as normal and DS is mine, despite my husband desperately wanting to be a dad. I am the main bread winner and pay for most things. my husband never raises the topic of money, life insurance, savings, development phases for DS, time to start potty training, looking for a school etc. If he could my husband would do the absolute bare minimum and be fine with it. But I am the one behind him telling him let's look at our finances, where can we cut back and save some money, to spend dedicated time with DS, go swimming with him etc., it simply does not occur to him. I think my husband thinks he has a wife now so she can manage everything, where as my thinking is well I'm the main bread winner so you need to do your share and chip in with everything outside of work.
From what I can see my husband is very good at carving time out for himself, so at the beginning of the weekend he will say 'I'm doing '?? on Saturday' and his plans never include DS, I always have to encourage him to take DS along and if he does it's conditional in that he will want that time back and want to spend it alone. I very rarely get time to myself unless I go out and sometimes I want time alone at home to veg and do nothing, but I can't get him to take DS out the house for a couple of hours to give me space.
I often feel like a single parent mother and I definately don't feel loved.
I would be interested to know what 'feeling loved' means to other women and also any advice on how to get out of this rut. I know I need to talk to my husband and have tried but my head goes blank and I lose my trail of thought, can someone help me zoom in on what I need to focus in my conversation with husband.
This was me 5 years ago. Now we're divorced after xh affair and I do all the childcare while he has a free and easy life and picks up and puts down the kids when he feels like it.
I think I would sit him down and have a chat about roles - say you're struggling to cope and need help and can you both choose roles and stick to them. Eg he always washes up takes bins out and does bath time and you do everything else? At least then you'd be getting some regular support? I'm afraid not many men do 5050.
And then the rest might follow? But I'd steer clear of anything along the lines of "we're not having sex cos you don't do enough round the house" which ultimately it boils down to (and the resentment that follows).
Good advice from mellow. Talk to him now. Write down the points in a structured way. Don't use sex as a bargain chip but let him know it affects how you feel towards him and that it is killing your love.
I think sex life is fading is a bit of an understatement!
2 years is a long time.....
Sounds to me like he liked the idea of being a dad but not the day to day responsibility!
If this carries on, you are very likely to split up. Your are resentful of him and the lack of intimacy leaves both of you vulnerable to the attention of others.
Only be specific will give you a chance of resolving this. I assume after 2 years he has given up trying now?
Rather than say things like "I need you to do more"(to a man you might as well say nothing than say that because he won't know what you mean)
You need to tell him what you want him to do
"It would really help me and make me feel better about us if you would give me a couple of hours to myself on a Saturday. Do you think you could do that?"
"If you could bath and put X to bed twice a week, it would really help me"
However you also need to start getting intimate again. It's all very well saying you need to feel loved etc etc but that's not going to happen overnight so you need to start the ball rolling in this area. Won't be easy after 2 years
Parking 'feeling loved' to one side for a minute, I think the reason you don't want to get intimate with this guy is because you find him lazy, selfish, irritating, irresponsible ... a PITA that takes you for granted and doesn't pull his weight. Impossible to relax and enjoy sex with someone you don't like or respect very much. If you'd known he was going to be like this prior to getting married, you'd have probably called it off. He sounds like a complete let-down.
He does sound very selfish. I wouldn't feel sexy towards him either.
I think you two need counselling otherwise you will be in the divorce courts soon. I don't, however, feel the fault is all his - if you both work full-time, why do his earnings come into play when you consider what he should do at home? I agree he should be doing more but not because he earns less. You also sound like you are using sex as a bargaining tool - I can only imagine how many times he has tried to initiate sex over two years & been turned down. Yes, he needs to step up to the plate as a dad and partner, but if you do feel attracted to him you should try to build on that. Try to work together to get your relationship back on track while you still have the chance.
I agree with Cogito that this not about not feeling loved, but about not being able to feel respect or even like for your husband. You don't have an equal relationship, you're in charge and he's riding on your coat tails. Why do you pay for 'most things'? He's got a mother not a wife in this equation and what have you got?
To echo what others have said you need to write down your points of what has to change. You also need write out a list of chores and childcare and divide them up 50:50 between you.
He has to recognise that selfishly devolving all responsibility to you has negative consequences and may destroy the relationship if it hasn't already.
I had a h like this. He was also miserable, angry and moody, at times verbally abusive to me and really harsh with the kids. But really the fundamental problem was identical to yours, he really wanted to have kids and be a dad, but the reality was very far from this. I felt let down, disappointed, resentful. It is pretty hard to back from this. I did tell my h clearly how I felt, but he turned all the attention on himself in a 'poor me' style. There was nothing left for me. If I hadn't ended it we would still be plodding on in a ridiculous, unequal relationship. Now that I am free of him my life is much better. Not what you should do, OP, I just want to say I get completely where you are coming from. I actually disagree that you should ask for specific 'help' around the house or time a lone because this implies that these are extra luxuries to help you and does nothing to solve the fact that he believes the house and kids are all your responsibility. Which is at the heart of the problem. Sorry you are going through this, OP
What does this man contribute? You earn most of the money as well as doing the majority of the household work and childcare, yet he seems to feel that he's the one entitled to all the available childfree leisure time in the family schedule.
Just on a topical note it's Mother's Day tomorrow and he has an opportunity to show he at least appreciates what you have been doing. Why not have a bit of me time and doll yourself up, make him notice you, and see if you can rekindle something?
Of course u need to have the conversation but sex is really important for keeping relationships going.
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