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Husband 'popped' into the pub at lunchtime to check if I really was meeting the girls

(30 Posts)
Funnyfishface Sat 29-Mar-14 00:58:57

Husband of 23 years doesn't trust me. He is a very jealous and insecure person.
Last weekend I had arranged to meet the girls for lunch. He was working nearby and decided to pop in to see me. He didn't have a drink or lunch. He walked in said hello and walked out.
I am so cross with him.

We are going for relate counselling as it is. I have never cheated and would never cheat. Am I right to be cross

RhondaJean Sat 29-Mar-14 01:01:46

Does he have reason not to trust you?

RhondaJean Sat 29-Mar-14 01:02:48

I get the no cheating but has there been inappropriate friendships, secrets etc?

Funnyfishface Sat 29-Mar-14 01:06:04

No not in the slightest.

He on the other hand is constantly looking at other women. He tells meaningless lies. I found out years ago that he had been texting a friend of mine flirty texts and arranging to meet her. Although he swears nothing happened.

I don't go out without him except for the odd lunch. I don't drink. I am quite prudish about my body. So he shouldn't have any worries .

SuburbanSpaceperson Sat 29-Mar-14 01:11:36

Do you think he might have cheated on you, or considered it? Sometimes people will think a behaviour is suspicious because they have pretended to do that same thing as a cover for something else. So if he has successfully used 'an evening in the pub with mates' when it was actually an evening in a strip club he might be more likely to assume that your lunch with female friends was also a cover story.

SuburbanSpaceperson Sat 29-Mar-14 01:13:03

Sorry, x-post with you.

If he tells a lot of lies it's probably beyond his understanding that others don't.

RandomInternetStranger Sat 29-Mar-14 01:19:03

Sounds like projection to me. Every boyfriend & my husband who used to check up on me and follow me and accuse me of things were the ones who were the cheats. He's projecting his behaviour on to you because he knows what he is capable of and assumes you are too. That's not saying that he's cheating, but that he knows he could or has thought about it.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 29-Mar-14 02:16:01

You've put up with 23 years of this crap? Do you want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this?

VenusDeWillendorf Sat 29-Mar-14 02:27:41

I agree random, and I also agree SGB.

What are you doing for yourself lately OP?
23 years is a long sentence. You'd get less for murder.

I hear you're going to relate, but maybe do some counselling for yourself, by yourself.
You sound a little bit lost to me, and some goal setting might be just the thing for you for your futurelife.

GoldfishCrackers Sat 29-Mar-14 04:31:20

Yes you're right to be cross. It sounds like you're come to live in a way so as not to make him jealous (rarely going out without him etc.) Between that and his lies, he doesn't sound like he's worth the effort.

Funnyfishface Sat 29-Mar-14 09:15:09

I have had counselling by myself. I was advised to change MY life. Which I am doing.
I had been SAHM working occasionally from home. DS are grown up now so got myself an office job which I love.
I don't know about him cheating. I think he just loves attention.
When I found out about him texting my friend I kicked him out.

I do love him but at times I really don't like him at all.
Unfortunately he is one of life's unhappy people. He is never content.

diddl Sat 29-Mar-14 09:19:11

"Unfortunately he is one of life's unhappy people. He is never content."

That sounds horribly draining.

It wouldn't by any chance be mostly your fault that he's unhappy?hmm

And he does sound as though he's judging you by his standards.

WitchWay Sat 29-Mar-14 09:50:35

This would make me furious!

SolidGoldBrass Sat 29-Mar-14 09:53:17

You have a good job, you have no dependent DCs - just dump this tiresome loser of a man. There is nothing stopping you. It doesn't matter if he's unhappy. You matter.

EverythingCounts Sat 29-Mar-14 09:57:18

He is totally projecting. Call it a day and think what a relief it will be not to have to put up with this any more. He will have to fix his unhappiness without blaming it on you, directly or indirectly.n

onewordanswer Sat 29-Mar-14 10:14:22


Dirtybadger Sat 29-Mar-14 10:19:26

Another "projection" hand up.

Dirtybadger Sat 29-Mar-14 10:20:22

Why do you not go out? You don't like social things, you'd rather relax at home, or it's not worth the hassle because of your dh? Or something else entirely?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 29-Mar-14 10:25:45

Your H isn't very subtle is he. Jealousy is unattractive in a partner but in his case, as said already, by the sound of it he behaves like this through his own guilty conscience.

If you are going to be monitoring his roving eye while he carries on doing spot checks questioning your fidelity it starts to look like a farce OP. You must have the patience of a saint.

Funnyfishface Sat 29-Mar-14 11:28:18

It is draining.
Lately I have been wondering if I have contributed to his insecurities though.
I am a very loving, giving person. EXCEPT with him. I know we don't speak to each other in a very nice way.
He does and has always told lies and exaggerates to suit himself. But his lies are ridiculous. It's little things. And I definitely think it's to do with control.
He is completely obsessed with money.
He loves me but his love is about looks, wealth, sex appeal....
I want unconditional love, and want to be able to give that to my partner. But it's not working out that way.

Up until I started my job I had three years of suffering terrible anxiety. I seem to be getting through that now. But I know how low I was and I never want to go back to that. So I am protecting myself. If that makes any sense

Funnyfishface Sat 29-Mar-14 11:33:17

I am quite happy relaxing at home.

I like theatre, cinema, eating out, etc but I'm not a pub person. I don't drink and that doesn't interest me at all.

We go out socially with friends at least once a week.

He gets bored at home. He has to go out on a Saturday night. He also plays golf, supports football and has season ticket, goes on golfing holidays with his mates, likes the pub and goes regularly. He goes out twice a week with lads for food and drink.
I have no problem with this at all. I enjoy the evening on my own actually

Xenadog Sat 29-Mar-14 11:33:36

Have your counselling and see what comes from it before you make any big decisions.

I think he is judging you by his standards and that's why he has checked up on you. Would make me question if he had been unfaithful in the past.

clam Sat 29-Mar-14 11:35:17

Hmm, wonder if that anxiety was anything to do with living with him?

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 29-Mar-14 11:42:04

Another vote for "Projection"

He sounds like a life drain and your the radiator.

ghostinthecanvas Sat 29-Mar-14 11:42:17

He is definitely judging you by his standards. Why don't you stand back and do the same? Sadly, I don't think he would stand up to the scrutiny. If my DH checked up on me like that I would be furious. I would also wonder if he was up to no good.
Are you starting to wonder if you would be happier without him? We all deserve unconditional love I think. You are not only right to be cross, I think you would be right to explore the possibilities of a life without him. You recognise you are loving with others but not him, do you recognise why this is?

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