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Meh about relationships. Giving up.

(14 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Fri 28-Mar-14 22:34:43

I would love to meet someone new but I feel very despondent about having relationships. Tbh my family are used to me being the single one whilst I am fed up of being surrounded by loved up couples.
I know that this is not helping but I have it in my head that lovely relationships do not happen to me due to my abusive past. They are something that happens to other people. I feel resentful and jealous of others' happiness as a result.
I don't seem to have a problem pulling but I do fuck up my relationships due to my anxiety.
Yes, I am going to counselling even though I am sick and fed up of rehashing my abusive past, bitterness and loneliness.
I don't feel like I have an option but to accept my loneliness ... This is sad.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Mar-14 06:49:43

Still, it's being so cheerful that keeps you going.... hmm

TDada Sat 29-Mar-14 06:57:57

Hi. How old are you? You will be fine.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Mar-14 06:58:43

But seriously.... your happiness is entirely in your hands. Once you are happy in your skin, others will respond in kind. You can't change the past. So you can either choose to allow your past to blight your future or you can learn from your mistakes and bad experiences and resolve to try a different approach. If counselling is causing you to remain stuck in the past - if it's making you feel that you are defined by something you can't change - maybe it's time to stop? If being surrounded by 'loved up couples' makes you sad, find others to be around instead.

Be the person you want to be, even if it doesn't feel natural at first. Be happy, confident, relaxed, whatever. Set your environment so that you are not constantly challenged. Eventually you will be that person. Good luck

outtheothersidefinally Sat 29-Mar-14 07:02:06

That's really hard. I understand and it is HARD.
Keep going with the counselling. You deserve to process the trauma of the abuse - it's the only way to let go and live unburdened by it.
Keep going - pm me if you want some book recommendations or to vent.

MadBusLady Sat 29-Mar-14 07:05:59

Cog that's a fucking awful response frankly.

OP just to address one small part of your post, the being fed up of rehashing your past in counselling rang a bell with me. I don't have the same past but with one counsellor I did eventually conclude that all the dwelling on my flaws/mildly difficult childhood experiences she wanted me to do was more hindrance than help. Obviously nothing is ever as simple as "think positive" and it's good to understand why you think the way you do, but after a certain length of time you are just voluntarily filling your own head with all the things that are "wrong" with you, without gaining any new insight.

A couple of years after concluding this I read a book by Martin Seligman who has pioneered research into "learned helplessness" and positive psychology, and he says pretty much the same thing. You might want to think about this in making plans for future therapy. Have you ever had or considered CBT, especially for the anxiety?

MadBusLady Sat 29-Mar-14 07:07:01

Sorry X posted with you cog, I thought your first post was your final word on the subject!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Mar-14 07:17:12

I've been called worse than 'fucking awful'... hmm But there is a serious point which is that self-pity and pessimism can be self-fulfilling. Going through life fatalistically assuming things are always going to go wrong, everyone is a bad person and that they are somehow inherently unlucky will lead to someone missing opportunities and passing up chances to be happy.

daffodildays Sat 29-Mar-14 07:42:14

Agree about changing the counsellor and approach, and having a look at Martin Selogmann, there is also an online set of tests which help you determine your signature strengths based on the book. If you start focusing your life on what works for you, then you will feel happier day to day, which is important. If you google Authentic Happiness questionnaires, you will find it.

I understand where you are coming from in your OP, I have come to the conclusion that, for whatever reason, my parents, particularly my mum, wants me to be single. She has literally sabotaged every relationship I have had; whilst throwing support, money, time at me when I am single. The only solution would be to move far, far away.

Like you, I have then had abusive relationships, and I now have DC, so am unlikely to bring any man into their life. So, I really am destined to be single.

But there is a big, wide world out there. My advice would be to seek to address the anxiety and find what works for you, what you enjoy. Find friends who do the things you enjoy, who are not all in couples. My dsis, who moved far away, met her DH when she joined a club to do something she enjoyed, for herself.

The point is that you need to be happy in your own skin, and do things because you love them, take the focus off being in a relationship, and concentrate on you. That way you are also more likely to avoid the red flaggers, who prey on vulnerability.

By the way, I don't really think I am destined to be single. There is a kind and gentle man somewhere I will meet in about ten years time. It would just be too complicated to meet him now.

Good luck.

daffodildays Sat 29-Mar-14 07:44:44

Seligmann, sorry

superstarheartbreaker Sat 29-Mar-14 07:50:46

I was on a bit of a Downer last night so not at my most cheerful! Feeling more positive today. I think my birthday on Monday is making me reflective.

superstarheartbreaker Sat 29-Mar-14 07:52:45

Thanks all

summermovedon Sat 29-Mar-14 07:55:05

I actually see both points, OP says she has got anxiety issues that are affecting the relationships she is in. But are they anxiety - can't cope with life, need medication, or anxiety - scared of relationships and committing. I am just not clear in what context the anxiety is used. Either way the only way to get rid of it is to work on yourself. You need to work out what is making you anxious and make changes.

I really do agree with Cog, she's made a good and honest response, even if it sounds harsh. It is far too easy and comfortable to sit in pessimism and habit and to be stuck in the past and scared of the future, and the only way to move on from that is to make changes and become who you want to be. That doesn't mean jumping into a relationship, but letting go and being happy and content with yourself, and mindful of the world around you. Learning to be in a happy relationship with yourself.

If your counselling isn't moving towards this goal, you really need to find another therapist. Yes therapists make you talk about the past, but that is in order to understand the present. It should be almost a bit detached, a learning exercise, not gratuitous rehashing of pain. Think about going on a mindfulness course too, that is good for learning to live comfortably in the moment, and learning coping techniques.

something2say Sat 29-Mar-14 09:32:01

Glad you're feeling better.

I think you ought to consciously stop thinking thoughts like you do, about how you are always the single one and a healthy relationship won't happen to people like you.

I was abused too. I have had to struggle out of the more by myself. It does happen.

Stop thinking that way and really start thinking a new way.

Healing is possible.
You are healing.
What so your next step?
What things are you learning to do now and stopping doing other things?
Where are you on your journey?

Be forward going and positive and prepared to work hard and not get depressed and stop doing it. Thought creates reality. What are you going to create?

Good luck x

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