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My husband breaks things - long, sorry

(83 Posts)
WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 21:18:05

Oh, where to start. Married over 20 years. When cross breaks things. Often my things. First happened over 15 years ago when he pulled a favourite pair of my knickers to pieces - no he wasn't ripping them off grin & since then has broken various things including his own briefcase (by stamping on it - god he looked pathetic) confused & more worryingly three pairs of my spectacles on separate occasions, pulled from my face while I was reading in bed. Once he also destroyed as many of my pairs of single-use contact lenses as he could get his hands on as well - that rather backfired as I had to wear my spare glasses that he doesn't like. He was very remorseful. Last weekend he threw his alarm clock at the wall - cross because he was late getting packed for a trip - all my fault apparently for having a "dinner party" - the friend who was travelling with him stayed the night & we had dinner which I cooked. Wine was drunk. Fun was had. He was disorganised. It missed me by six inches - apparently he wasn't aiming at me, but was just cross. He is still away & I have texted that I'm thinking very carefully about our relationship. He is apparently horrified, loves me so much, needs my support, is very stressed at work (he is - he has loads piling up, but a lot of that is because he just leaves & leaves & leaves stuff till it's so late he's getting into serious trouble). There have been occasional violent acts towards me over the years - pretty low-key & not very often (I know once is too often) & I must admit I've given as good as I've got. I don't want to leave him really - deep down I love him, but I must say I no longer find him particularly attractive - I find his attitude to jobs & the piling up of tasks, including piles (literally) of unprocessed stuff in the house a complete turn-off. He knows this. He knows there'd be sex if he made me happy, made me feel appreciated. I suppose I withhold sex deliberately which is pretty crap especially if we had more sex he'd probably feel more like tackling the other stuff but it seems we've reached an impasse. He tells me he loves me often & effusively. I hardly ever say it to him. I texted yesterday that telling me wasn't enough, he does nothing for me & doesn't show me he loves me. He texted "SORRY!!!" He rang tonight & we had a calm conversation about DS's school project - neither of us mentioned our relationship. We both had affairs around 12 years ago & worked hard to put things right, but I'm not really sure the marriage was ever that good, even before the affairs. My main reason for making the marriage work afterwards was to prevent the OW (my "friend") "winning". The house is a tip & we have to shift piles of his stuff in order to sit on the chairs in the lounge which I hate, so mostly I spend my evenings on the hard chairs at the kitchen table probably getting piles & we hardly ever have visitors because he reckons he's too embarrassed by the mess, yet won't bloody well do anything about it. It's 90% his stuff too - ok I could chuck it out, but I'm frightened about what he might do to my things - I know they're only possessions, but I don't want to risk it. I'm intelligent - how the fuck have I ended up like this? I sound so pathetic.
sad

ihatethecold Fri 28-Mar-14 21:32:09

I'm sorry to say it but you really need to be out of this relationship.
He has anger issues and you will end up getting hurt.

Why should you live your life like this, he won't change,
You only have one go at this life, why make it miserable.

Rebecca2014 Fri 28-Mar-14 21:33:30

Is he a hoarder? sounds like a nightmare, having to put up with his temper then not having anywhere to rest due to his issue with keeping crap.

I would first tackle the house, tell him if he doesn't sort it out your marriage is over... get the house clean and tidy then think about what you want do with your marriage. You sound miserable though.

WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 21:34:43

You're right of course ihatethecold, it's just doing it that I seem incapable of sad

WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 21:35:55

Rebecca - hoarding - yes - not as bad as the programmes but not far off. I'm "ruthless" because I chuck outgrown, broken, useless stuff out hmm

Nojustalurker Fri 28-Mar-14 21:38:34

Witch this sounds horrible. Are there any redeeming features of your relationship with him.

Handywoman Fri 28-Mar-14 21:39:01

I would say that if you kick this angry, controlling man out of the house you will suddenly find a new lease of life and energy to sort the house out.

WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 21:40:03

lurker we have fun when we're out together & when we're on holiday, get on well, have a laugh, but the day to day existence is crap really sad

WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 21:40:21

Handy if only sad

ihatethecold Fri 28-Mar-14 21:42:29

But most our lives is the daily mundane crap.
If you don't get on doing that. I think there's not much point.

You will never feel so free being away from an angry resentful person.

Nojustalurker Fri 28-Mar-14 21:42:41

You know violence is not acceptable and by accepting it you are saying you are not worth of being treated with respect.

You need to tell your husband it is not acceptable and ask him what he is going todo about it.

Does your husband behave this way at work? Or around the children?

tribpot Fri 28-Mar-14 21:43:37

loves me so much, needs my support

What do you need? And, more to the point, why doesn't he care about what you need, since he loves you much?

My main reason for making the marriage work afterwards was to prevent the OW (my "friend") "winning".

The marriage isn't working.

girliefriend Fri 28-Mar-14 21:45:51

Would he have some therapy to sort out his issues?

I couldn't live with someone like that, he sounds like a toddler having a tantrum fgs!!

As for the house - words fail me tbh, I hate 'stuff' so for me that would actually be a dealbreaker. I would be telling him, things have to change now or I would be gone.

WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 21:46:09

lurk his position at work is such that he bosses people about & is expected to do so. He bosses DS but DS(16) resists it & calls him on any misogynistic/otherwise unacceptable comments.

WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 21:47:40

girlie no he wouldn't have therapy. I had therapy after the affairs (he insisted actually - doormat again sad)

WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 21:49:38

trib when I ask him why he doesn't do anything for me, like make me a cup of tea even, he says "well, I would…" but never does hmm sad

Nojustalurker Fri 28-Mar-14 21:52:14

This is very revealing. He is acting this way because he can't get what he wants. he is only thinking of himself. I echo tribpot when I say when does he consider what you want?

You are frightened to do things or say things in your own home. you say are educated and don't know have ended up like this. Well things happen and while you can't change your husband you can take control of your life and change the sitauation.

girliefriend Fri 28-Mar-14 21:52:28

He sounds like an arse LTB.

Nojustalurker Fri 28-Mar-14 21:55:35

He is not willing to change as he has not shown any move towards this. Go back to counselling and workout how you can move forward.

Clutterbugsmum Fri 28-Mar-14 21:56:50

Sounds like time to call it a day.

If he is stressed then he probably isn't coping with day to day life. But none of it is an excuse to break your things or abuse you. He has no reason to change anything in his life because he gets every thing he needs to function on most levels.

tribpot Fri 28-Mar-14 21:58:36

This is not about a cup of tea for god's sake. He breaks your stuff. He blames you for everything. He threw something at you that could have done serious damage if it had hit you. You went through therapy after you both had affairs - can you see how fucked up that is?

The violence is escalating. Soon the things he throws won't miss you.

Why do you live like this?

WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 22:01:14

I don't know trib sad sad sad

mumatwork999 Fri 28-Mar-14 22:01:46

Do you think he could accept he has a problem with anger management and seek some help? He does sound like he needs your support (good point though from pp about what you need) but I think for both your sakes he needs to get some professional help too. Could he be suffering from depression? Many people don't realise they are or sometimes won't admit it, but being disorganised, hoarding, procrastinating, getting stressed about it all and then being angry can all be signs. Please give yourselves both a chance to try and understand why he behaves like this and to do something to help him change (assuming he wants to). If he refuses to engage/gets worse then it is probably time to reconsider if staying is really best for you irrespective of what's best for him.

WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 22:07:42

mum I do think he might be depressed - I had postnatal depression - but I'm pretty sure he'd resist the suggestion if I made it. He thought my being depressed was pretty pathetic. Perhaps I could sprinkle St John's Wort into his food...

WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 22:08:40

mum thanks btw smile

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