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how much do looks matter?

(33 Posts)
yummytummy Fri 28-Mar-14 19:10:52

So being recently single thought I would try online dating. Started chatting to this guy and really clicked in a similar situation and just seemed lovely. Then swapped pics. Obviously a pic isnt always a great representation but u get a general idea.

So he is ok but just really not my type, quite short and bald. But I do like him a lot for personality and connection. I guess what I am asking is has anyone felt that initially and then been able to develop the attraction over time? Is it essential to feel that thing of fancying someone straight away or can it grow?

And is it fair to date him when I am not sure?

Aaaargh dating stuff is so stressful and its true from threads on here that there seems to be a huge lack of nice guys in this age group of mid thirties as all decent ones are married.

DandyDindie Fri 28-Mar-14 19:29:48

Try it - my 'type is tall and dark - I've been with my average height giner for a couple of years now grin

Charley50 Fri 28-Mar-14 19:34:52

Have you actually met him yet? He might have 'animal magnetism' or a certain je ne sais quoi.. Sorry don't know why I'm talking in cliches but some people are more attractive in real life than in their photos and some people aren't all that looks wise but their personality shines through. Going on one date doesn't mean commitment anyway.

VanitasVanitatum Fri 28-Mar-14 19:38:24

I didn't fancy my bf at all when I met him, looks wise. Definitely personality wise. Now I think he's beautiful, though it's not a widely shared opinion!!!

yummytummy Fri 28-Mar-14 19:50:15

No not met yet fairly early stages plus he lives a way away and it has been really hard to plan a time as he has his kids some weekends when mine would be with their dad. So logistics a bit of an issue.

movingsoon23 Fri 28-Mar-14 20:00:17

As long as you don't find him physically repulsive I would say give him a chance. My first date with dp I didn't find him all that physically attractive but the more I got to know him the more I realised that he is funny, kind, and clever. Couldn't imagine myself without him now.

Melonbreath Fri 28-Mar-14 20:06:33

Depends.
I couldn't go out with anyone who was grubby or went for extreme looks. But that's not really looks i suppose. Just means i don't like smelly folks or people who are obsessed with their image.
Hmmmm
it is important to fancy someone though, I always find it's in their eyes.

PeanutButterAndMarmite Fri 28-Mar-14 21:32:38

Smell is far more important than appearance.

Minime85 Fri 28-Mar-14 21:39:53

I think attraction to someone is about more than just looks. but that connection you feel with them as a oerson . I'd give it a chance smile

Twinklestein Fri 28-Mar-14 22:14:50

A friend of mine joined an upmarket dating agency and was told by them not to go by photos but on profile and connection and judge attraction in the flesh. She cares a lot about looks and refused, she only met up with guys she found physically attractive and didn't get on with any of them.

I'm not sure what my point is but you get the gist...

JupiterGentlefly Fri 28-Mar-14 22:25:39

My other half is a good six inches shorter than me and has a huge nose and bald head. I fancy him rotten. !

JupiterGentlefly Fri 28-Mar-14 22:26:56

My other half is a good six inches shorter than me and has a huge nose and bald head. I fancy him rotten. !

brideoffrankenstein Fri 28-Mar-14 22:35:59

i met my husband online dating. I thought he looked like a bit of a knob wide boy, but then again, I have a lot of facial scarring due to being attacked. Was he my type on first impressions? Not entirely, but sweet looking apart from one photo, where he was looking like an arse in front of a yeti (so my kind of guy!). Was i his type? I have never known if he thought otherwise, as he tells me every day i am beautiful. What I wanted was to meet was the amazing guy in the emails. I'm so glad he wanted to meet the amazing girl in his emails, as I never really thought i would find anyone. SO, don't just go on looks, as the spark is there or it isn't ( i have had years of relationships pre-scarring when very pretty - not to boast- but with complete bellends). If it is right it is right whether he looks like a model or not. the alternative also applies. He might be a no go for you on every level. BTW i agree with Peanut butter, smell is really important! Good luck. Give yourself every opportunity to find your 'one'

RandomInternetStranger Fri 28-Mar-14 22:51:13

I know it is incredibly shallow but I can't kiss and sleep with someone I don't fancy. I recently went out with someone for a year who I clicked with personality wise but I never fancied him. I'd actually be cringing inside when we were physical and imagining my ex, I had to always keep my eyes closed and actually I found him so physically repulsive that I couldn't look at him for long or closely or when he was naked. To the extent when he used my things on his body or stuck my Uggs on just to run outside I couldn't wear them again. When we split up I had left all the clothes of mine he'd worn (that should have been my first clue really) at his (my onsie, Uggs, tracksuit bottoms, a baggy t shirt, a pair of socks) and when he said we could meet & he'd pass them back to me I said not to worry & throw them away. I know how it sounds, I know, but the thought of his body (and feet!!! Ugh they were like a cross between claws and hooves! ) in my clothes actually makes me feel sick. I was embarrassed to show any photos of him and he was always asking why I wouldn't add him on Facebook or put any pictures of us up - it's because I was embarrassed and frankly I didn't like him enough to not care what anyone else thought. It's shallow, but I can't do it, I have to fancy them, unfortunately the men in my age range now look like my Dad or my Uncle Jimmy and I don't fancy my Dad or Jimmy. I fancy Bradley Cooper, Hugh Jackman, the bloke married to Fergie... real men just don't look like that.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout Fri 28-Mar-14 23:01:21

Obviously attraction matters because that is the first thing a person sees about you. But as far as I am concerned personality beats looks anytime. x

Twinklestein Fri 28-Mar-14 23:09:29

Randominternet - we're not talking about kissing someone you don't fancy, but whether to go on a date with someone whose looks don't immediately appeal. If the OP does on a date, and she still doesn't fancy him, then she's lost nothing.

Going out with a guy for a whole year that you are repulsed by is very odd. I certainly wouldn't recommend that.

LessMissAbs Fri 28-Mar-14 23:09:31

There's nothing like a handsome man! I do think appearance can tell you a lot about character actually, how healthy they are, if they exercise, if they are lazy, if they drink too much and eat unhealthy food...

I also fail to see why men are encouraged to be picky about looks, but women are not. Perhaps because there are so many physically unappealing men around, due to.unhealthy lifestyles? And a lot of them do internet dating...

yummytummy Fri 28-Mar-14 23:14:15

Thanks for replies some really interesting things to think about. Just feel so clueless as was with ex husband for 18 years since age of 18 so never really dated that much before and never imagined being in this position now. Its so hard to find someone.

But I do really like this guy and its so nice to have someone treat u nicely. Ex was v abusive and unpleasant most of the time. So its weird but nice to be valued.

brideoffrankenstein Fri 28-Mar-14 23:37:51

well yummy, enjoy the being cared for for a while. If it turns in to something then great, if not then you have had a lovely experience and know better what you want in the future. Attraction is important, but it isn't necessarily something that happens immediately on all levels. Sometimes we can't get over that initial 'hmm not sure' (as random seems to have experienced) and sometimes it becomes something else. My is a an attractive man (to me and others) but he wasn't what i would have called my type before.
I am glad there is someone for everyone. Those who want the body honing man who is picky about what his partner eats (and the other way round), those who are happy to live and let live, those who have completely different interests and those who enjoy doing everything together. it is why we can each find our 'one' when we are ready to do that.
Above all, being valued shouldn't be weird (I understand what you are saying completely BTW), it should be the norm. Maybe this guy will be for you, but if not, maybe both of you will find someone to value and be valued by.

RandomInternetStranger Sat 29-Mar-14 00:13:10

Twinkle but a romantic relationship would require kissing so if you don't fancy him what's the point on going on a date - the intention of which is to see if it will progress to become a relationship? Kissing will be required at some point.

I stayed with him nearly a year as we got on personality wise and I was trying to be less shallow and see him for his personality not his looks. Turned out his personality was as ugly as his looks in the end but I gave it a shot. I'll stick to looks in future! wink

GarlicMarchHare Sat 29-Mar-14 00:30:12

Actually, smell does matter! Not as in "doesn't stink" - though that helps grin You have to be within 3 feet of a person to register their pheromones (not consciously, it's an animal thang) and you have to snog them to get the full picture - from their saliva. I know it doesn't sound very romantic that way, but I don't think evolution does romantic. It does sex quite well, though.

If you meet him and nothing 'happens', tough luck but you might have made a new friend. If it does 'happen', there's a reasonable chance you'll get to find out whether you are compatible after all smile

Have fun!

wallypops Sat 29-Mar-14 02:43:50

Been there. My boyfriend is barely taller than me and I'm a short arse! He's also a baldy but honestly we have the hottest connection. We hit it off so quickly before we met and when we did meet I just shut my eyes and grabbed him. I don't regret a second of it!! Go pheromones. If I'd met him in the pub I'm not sure I'd have gone for him or visa versa. Now I'm head over heels grin.

RandomInternetStranger Sat 29-Mar-14 11:26:09

Why do men age so badly?? I know baldness can't be helped (though do any of them even try that rogain stuff or the Fast shampoos or supplements??) but why do so many men have huge beer bellies, dirty bitten down nails, horrible feet with hard yellow skin and claws on the end, hair in weird places, brown teeth? Why do so many men find it so hard to use teeth whitening products, get rid of ear & nose hair, take care of their hands & feet, tone up the bellies? And when they are in down time why do so many not just stick on casual but still OK jeans & polo neck shirts, still shave and do their hair & shower, but go for really horrible scruffy tracksuit bottoms, misshapen old t-shirts, battered trainers, no shower, no hair style, unshaven... would any of them look twice at us if we were like that?? I think if I can maintain my standards even though I'm not 20, I'm a mother and pregnant and I'm single and it's winter (yet everything is still shaved and waxed!) then is it too much to ask that the man I am with do the same??

Sleepinmummy Sat 29-Mar-14 11:38:15

Because it's online dating I think it trickier. The two relationships I've had were with people I didnt find instantly attractive but their personalities were amazing which then led to chemistry and fancying them like crazy. The thing with online dating is you go in cold....if you don't immediately fancy them in their pic you could miss out on the one....people are always I much more different in the flesh

Twinklestein Sat 29-Mar-14 11:51:25

Because Random, you can't necessarily tell from a photo. If she met him in real life and he had lots of charisma, was really funny and utterly charming, she might change her mind. It's certainly worth going on one date to find out. She's doesn't have to kiss him if she doesn't like him and I don't think you should project your perverse relationship choice onto other people.

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