Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What's the etiquette when OW messages on FB?

(31 Posts)
Weathergames Fri 28-Mar-14 14:35:54

Do you reply or just block?

MirandaWest Fri 28-Mar-14 14:36:59

Would depend what the reason was behind them sending a message I think.

Weathergames Fri 28-Mar-14 14:39:14

To tell me what he's been up to although he had already confessed to some of it and ended it with her, and says he wants me.

lunar1 Fri 28-Mar-14 14:40:16

Publish her lies for all to see?

Not helpful I know, what did she say?

BillyBanter Fri 28-Mar-14 14:40:56

block her. Whatever you decide about your DH no good will come of engaging with her. You won't be able to tell what is truth and what is spite.

Weathergames Fri 28-Mar-14 14:41:25

It's not lies it's true - she didn't know about me and is angry/hurt.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 28-Mar-14 14:42:35

The temptation to do / say something is understandaby strong.

But when this is all over, you will be so glad you retained a dignified silence

Lonecatwithkitten Fri 28-Mar-14 14:42:55

Screen shot saved somewhere secure in case you need to prove his adultery later and then ignore, ignore, ignore.

missmagnum Fri 28-Mar-14 14:43:29

I would block her and not reply, she probably just likes the drama. Good luck op.

gamerchick Fri 28-Mar-14 14:44:02

she is not your problem... just ignore and block.

Onesleeptillwembley Fri 28-Mar-14 14:44:26

Block her and dump the lying cheating husband.

wannaBe Fri 28-Mar-14 14:46:11

If she didn't know then she is just as much a victim, and although you don't owe her anything (that's your dh's domain) she may actually just be trying to make sense of it all and may even feel guilt for the hurt she has inadvertently caused.

I wouldn't block her. I would hear her out, and assuming she genuinely didn't know I would thank her for being honest and tell her that she is not to blame - your dh is. And then I would stop contact.

Ivehearditallnow Fri 28-Mar-14 14:50:07

Yeah, I don't understand all the ignoring/blocking advice, especially if the OW didn't know he was married.

I'd hear her out. Your more likely to get the truth out of her. Seems a bit churlish to make an enemy of someone who you don't know who has been fucked over (all be it not as much as you).

I know a couple of people who joined forces with or at least heard out the OW... they didn't go on to be best buddies but both people were glad they got another perspective on the same situation.

Good luck OP x

SanityClause Fri 28-Mar-14 14:52:51

I would be kind to her, if she didn't know. He has been playing her, just as much as you.

Perhaps you could let her know that while you are sympathetic, it is all too raw, and you would prefer she got support from someone else.

ThePost Fri 28-Mar-14 14:53:10

Well, he's obviously fed her a crock of shit as well. She may just be looking for answers. Why are you still with a man who pretends to be single and actively seeks sex with other women?

BuzzardBird Fri 28-Mar-14 14:53:17

If it is Private Messaging then I would say that she is just trying to do the 'right thing' and inform you about your scumbag of a DH, knowing that most people lie through their back teeth when cheating comes to light.
If it is public messages then she is being a drama queen and I would block her...straight after I had kicked his ass out of the door.
Sorry that you are going through this.

Thumbwitch Fri 28-Mar-14 14:55:20

Depends - were her posts spiteful, or hurt?
If she's trying to hurt either you or your shitbag OH, then I wouldn't engage with her, it won't end well.
If she's just upset, then be kind but distant.

crazyhead Fri 28-Mar-14 14:57:53

If it is a private message, and you feel it is genuinely about a sincere apology/expression of horror about what he's involved her in, I'd possibly message back, say thank you, wish her the best, but also graciously ask that your contact ends at that point as you both need to work out your own feelings about the situation.

If you feel she wants to punish him or you with the contact, ignore.

Nomama Fri 28-Mar-14 14:58:01


OW did not know about you!

Then I'd say she has been quite brave... you know what MNers would normally do to her.

Hear her out. You need as much info as you can get to make an informed decision.

Good luck

Ivehearditallnow Fri 28-Mar-14 15:00:26

Yep agree with Nomama....

But anyway, nevermind about DH/OW - how are YOU feeling about what's been going on OP? x

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Fri 28-Mar-14 15:12:21

I would question, if she was in contact with him on facebook, and you are clearly linked on there as his wife, how she can claim that she didn't know he was married? (I'm not saying ask her, but can you see on their facebook relationship page when they first became facebook friends?). That doesn't make sense to my mind?

It sounds like she's a victim too, but you have no duty to support her. Sanityclauses's response is good if you feel the need to reply.

LavenderGreen14 Fri 28-Mar-14 15:16:56

I would keep copies but then ignore. Anything you may reply could be used against you in future.

chattychattyboomba Fri 28-Mar-14 15:28:25

I am very sorry about your Ex being a piece of shit.
I was in this position about 10 years ago with my lying cheating bastard ex. I was the 'OW' without knowing!!! It was horrible and hurtful and when he finally confessed to me I told him that he needed to confess all to her or I would. He didn't (well he skirted over some major details) so I wrote to her. It was very difficult. I was also very very wounded (I had a MC with the prick and actually thought we might have a future). But I also thought she deserved to know to be protected from his lies. Well...she blocked me, believed his lies, went on to continue the relationship!!! And then it all ended anyway.

The OW is being very brave contacting you OP. It means she is turning her back on him and trying to make sure no more damage is done to you.

Thank her for the info. No need to say any more. Then move on with your life.

Ivehearditallnow Fri 28-Mar-14 15:45:24

I would keep copies but then ignore. Anything you may reply could be used against you in future.

Eh? How is reading what she has to say going to be used against OP? Sorry but that's a bit paranoid...

If you two were fighting over him (cringe) then I can see why you'd avoid, but don't you want to know what went on without your DH minimizing, trickling etc? You've got very little to lose in trusting her. You don't have to tell her all your business x

str8tothepoint Fri 28-Mar-14 15:50:14

Says he wants you???

Why cheat? Why not tell her about you??

He's really a big catch, what a horrible person

Speak to OW no bitchyness just talk and dump this rat who is using the both of you cos he can

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: