Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Awkward Situation to say the least

(92 Posts)
goodbyekitty1 Fri 28-Mar-14 09:35:58

So I've met a new man, I'm 22 and he's 25 and we've only been dating for a few months now but I really like him and he's recently taken me home to meet his family as he's not from my area originally.
I met his younger brother and to my surprise I discover that when i was in university roughly two years ago, I actually slept with his brother and one of his friends at the same time. I know that he remembers this as we've spoken about it and he's agreed not to tell my boyfriend and give me the choice of telling him or not.
What should i do?! if i tell him, i might lose him for good.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 28-Mar-14 09:38:12

Oh goodness. That is quite an awkward situation.

I would tell him, it would seem unfair to me that his brother and you knew but he didn't.

Have to say though, if it was me who found this out, I would leave you. Not because you had done anything wrong, but just because it would be too weird for me.

goodbyekitty1 Fri 28-Mar-14 09:40:01

That's exactly what i'm afraid of! I know that there's nothing wrong with any of it and to be honest, I don't regret what happened for any reason other than how difficult it's made my life at the moment!

Pippilangstrompe Fri 28-Mar-14 09:41:01

I think you have to tell him. It will come out at some point and the longer you leave it, the worse it will be.

Be prepared that it might mean the end of your relationship though.

PigletJohn Fri 28-Mar-14 09:41:43

Keeping it secret and having it come out later will be worse.

You might mention that you "went out with" the brother for a bit but it didn't last. Avoid comparisons.

Fontofnowt Fri 28-Mar-14 09:46:28

Bad luck Goodbyekitty.
Sods law eh?

This was likely a big event for the brother plus there is amate ssomewhere who was party so you don't really have the option of not telling your partner.
Hope it goes well for you.

Gettingmeback Fri 28-Mar-14 09:51:00

Wow! Awkward is an understatement. Worlds collide. We all want our past experiences to remain exactly there. His brother probably doesn't want it to come out either but can you trust him? Do they have a few drinks together? My worry is about you becoming increasingly anxious as the relationship gets more serious. I agree with Puds if it was me, and i found this out i would end it due to the awkward element. Even if you come up with a half story you will still always be worried about the truth coming out. You are young, don't get caught up in a relationship where there can't be honesty. It just grows.

Offred Fri 28-Mar-14 10:01:49

It's a new relationship. I would tell him now before you get too much more invested. It will come out eventually I would have thought but even if it didn't I think it would be disrespectful to keep the secret with his brother. Nothing wrong with what you did providing everyone was/is happy and consenting in my mind but keeping the secret with his brother would be wrong I think.

IsTheGrassGreener Fri 28-Mar-14 10:42:17

Not sure I understand. You find nothing wrong with your sleeping around at the time, and you don't regret any of it. So what's the problem then? You'll have to live with the consequences of your actions.

It sounds to me like you are actually regretting it now. So talk to your boyfriend and convince him that your sleeping around days are behind you. Or if that's not the case then he deserves to know about it. That you slept with his brother may be akward but I am sure if he is serious about you he won't mind. He comes with a history, too.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Fri 28-Mar-14 11:05:06

Just tell him that you slept with his brother at uni, but you promise not to compare and contrast the two of them.

Nomama Fri 28-Mar-14 11:07:04

Tell him NOW.

The longer you leave it the worse it will be. You cannot build a long term relationship on this basis.

I'm not saying this because you slept with a couple pf men at the same time - who cares? Lots of us have done it, even if we don't like to say so out loud. But having slept with his brother is different. You have already put brother in a difficult position...

Get it over with. Deal with the fall out if/when it comes.

Good luck.

OhBabyLilyMunster Fri 28-Mar-14 11:09:15

Oh i missed that 'at the same time' bit!

Yea you'll have to tell him, he is the one who needs to decide if its a game changer. I feel really bad for you though, what a crap situation.

CarryOnDancing Fri 28-Mar-14 11:11:38

It seems I'm alone with my initial thought to not tell your bf. You haven't done anything wrong, it's your past and I can't imagine a time when you are going to be listing names of people you've both slept with.

I really don't see how it changes anything. It's not even like you were emotionally involved with his brother.
I agree it would be weird for your bf if he found out but I'm not sure he could even tell you why it's weird? I'm not sure anyone here could actually put it into words. I guess it's a kind of unwritten things but you've not done anything intentional.

Who you've slept with in the past has no bearing on your relationship with him and personally I wouldn't want to introduce any unnecessary reasons for him to be self conscious.

Joysmum Fri 28-Mar-14 11:14:20

This isn't about the moralities of what's happened in the past, this is more about the morality of lying by omission if you don't tell him something he deserves to know now.

If I were in your boyfriends position, I'd be guaranteed to end it with you if you kept it secret and I found out. If you told me about the past it wouldn't be a guaranteed ending. If you have any respect for your boyfriend you'd put his needs first and tell him.

Backonthefence Fri 28-Mar-14 11:16:42

Well your going to have to tell him the potential for this coming out is extremely high. The Sooner you tell him the sooner you can resume (or part ways) the relationship without something biting you in the arse when your more invested in the relationship.

Backonthefence Fri 28-Mar-14 11:17:40

In? Meant on

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Fri 28-Mar-14 11:20:43

Yes, tell him now.

It WILL come out, so you're much better off cutting to the chase now. If he wants to end it, you won't have much invested, so it'll be a bummer but that's life. And he may not be bothered by it. By the way, DONT apologise for anything, and certainly don't feel you have to convince him that you're a 'changed woman' or something - in fact I'd be making it clear that I was perfectly happy with having had that experience smile

Not telling him will end in disaster. You'll be living on pins, it will make life awkward and stuff with his family REALLY awkward, you'll end up trying to keep a distance from his family which won't help the relationship anyways and then he will find out, and you'll have spent time with him and will stand to lose so much moe. And because you'd kept it from him, he would be more likely at that point to finish things due to lack of trust.

Tell him!!!

Mrswellyboot Fri 28-Mar-14 11:24:09

Oh my god

I would be inclined to say you snogged him but not that you slept with him ?

Awkward- I have been in an awkward situation where I was invited to a wedding via colleague and turns out I 'knew' her husband.

I told my dh I hate dated him. I haven't told her I knew him years back. It would have been while they were dating too but I didn't know blush

MissMilbanke Fri 28-Mar-14 11:27:01

tell him.

RedandChecker Fri 28-Mar-14 11:30:35

My friend has slept with her sisters boyfriend before they got together, the sister and the boyfriend now have a child together - there's no awkwardness but it was made sure the sister knew as soon as she started relations with the boyfriend. I would tell him, I think.

Offred Fri 28-Mar-14 11:35:08

"I wouldn't want to introduce any unnecessary reasons for him to be self conscious."

That's exactly why I would tell tbh. The sex is not the problem if you don't tell you are choosing to create a secret between you and his brother which could potentially blow their relationship apart as well as yours.

Personally I don't think I'd want to continue the relationship myself really, likely it would be too uncomfortable for everyone no matter what happened in the end.

There's plenty more fish and all that, no real need to stay with this particular one.

goodbyekitty1 Fri 28-Mar-14 11:44:55

to be honest i'd like to just bury it and forget it ever happened but i can see the point that it would hardly be the greatest of foundations to build a relationship on. It doesn't help that i can vaguely remember that one or both of the people involved may have, to put it delicately, photographic evidence. I doubt they'd keep it for this long which would make me think i could hide it but i don't know if i could, not forever anyway.

daphnehoneybutt Fri 28-Mar-14 11:52:26

Oh god what terrible luck.

I would have to say something I personally would get increasingly anxious about it "all coming out" and it would spoil my life.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 28-Mar-14 11:57:09

This is why you get married to the person who loves you and you slept with first wink

not really, I'm a massive slapper who shagged a lot at uni

Elllimam Fri 28-Mar-14 12:04:15

Oh dear how awful. I think I would be inclined to say I had dated his brother but not go into any details. The photographs might complicate matters though :/

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now