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'D'P has just ended our relationship

(73 Posts)
MistletoeBUTNOwine Fri 28-Mar-14 00:47:17

Because I won't let his EA parents look after our 10 week old DS (bf) without me there.
His parents well and truly screwed him, and his brother, up. Controlling, PA, every trick in the book.
Now he says we won't work. sad

MistletoeBUTNOwine Fri 28-Mar-14 00:53:30

And has just come into our room aggressively saying my mum shouldn't have anything to do with DS either. This because I told him of some historical sexual abuse I only told her about years later, and she was dismissive about it (which I think was mainly guilt) anyway I have made my peace with that, the man is now dead. I 100% believe that if we discussed it now she would be remorseful about her reaction but tbh I'd rather leave it in the past.

TheWhispersOfTheGods Fri 28-Mar-14 00:54:26

Well, it sounds like you won't. He won't put his child first - out of his child's life.

He will probably be conditioned to let them have their way and that will be hard for him, but in all likelihood he is trying out things he jas seen work in his upbringing on you, like threats and emotional blackmail.

Call him on it, if he actually walks out you are very well rid and it might just make him wake up. Do not give in to his threat, it won't stop here.

But protect any shared finances first thing tomorrow anyway.

TalkieToaster Fri 28-Mar-14 00:55:38

Oh love. I have no advice but didn't want to leave this unanswered. NO-ONE reasonable would expect a mother to leave their exclusively breastfeed baby to be looked after by someone else, unless it was what the mother wanted.

CheesyBadger Fri 28-Mar-14 00:56:22

Regardless of anything else, you are bf and the baby needs you to be there for feeds. How exactly would it work if you weren't there? I left dd when she was 2 as I ebf and even that was hard! He is asking too much and even if you had complete faith and trust in the people, this would be a wrench

MistletoeBUTNOwine Fri 28-Mar-14 00:56:49

Anyone got a I can hold sad?
Please?

MistletoeBUTNOwine Fri 28-Mar-14 00:59:28

Shared finances - we have bought a doer upper which he has said I can move into once it's finished (live in rented currently)
But it's in joint names; what should I do?

elahrairahforprimeminister Fri 28-Mar-14 00:59:35

Aww, sweetie. I'm sorry.

But the others are right, it does sound like the best thing.

If he'll put his parents needs before yours and your childs now he'll do it forever.

horsetowater Fri 28-Mar-14 00:59:49

That's tragic. How can a parent do this to their child - keep him away from a healthy relationship by manipulating and controlling him.

I feel sorry for him as much as I feel sorry for you OP. Does he know he will always regret this?

MistletoeBUTNOwine Fri 28-Mar-14 01:03:04

I think he does Horse, that's the worst thing sad
But their hold is too strong, he's 42 ffs, I feel numb. I think I saw this coming but hoped we'd be strong enough to weather it.

horsetowater Fri 28-Mar-14 01:06:57

How does he see his own future - you could ask him - is he going to find someone else to marry and have children with, what kind of person would he want?

When DP gets arsey I lay the options out on the table for him, he quickly realises that quite frankly there aren't any.

horsetowater Fri 28-Mar-14 01:09:52

If he says well there are plenty of women who will do x, x and x so much better than you that's great you can wish him well and be rid.

The chances are he knows you are the only person but his parents are making him feel as though he can do better (because they can't control you).

GertTheFlirt Fri 28-Mar-14 01:10:00

Is this just a fit of pique this evening and it can be talked out in the morning.

FWIW - and you wont like this - I wouldnt be happy with any child of mine, visiting any relative who had allowed sexual abuse to take place and were dismissive of it happening, so I can understand his knee jerk reaction.

Go back and read your OP. His parents well and truly screwed him up Did you tell him that? that you think he's screwed up? He's good enough to buy a house with and have a baby with, but he's screwed up?

I think you both need to take a big step back and look at what was said tonight, how it was said and whether it is repairable.

horsetowater Fri 28-Mar-14 01:12:09

I agree with Gert about the sexual abuse. I would be extremely wary as well.

MistletoeBUTNOwine Fri 28-Mar-14 01:12:43

He says his parents like me (!) despite being the wrong race, religion, already have a dc, smoke cigarettes.

I should have realised something was amiss when we only met for the first time once I was pg and he had to sad

MistletoeBUTNOwine Fri 28-Mar-14 01:16:08

Fwiw my mum had no idea about the abuse at the time.
And I don't condone her reaction at all either. But since then she has been a rock, we disagree about some things but who doesn't?
We have discussed his parents before, many times. He thinks they won't do the same to DS as they did to him (he admits they were/are EA)

RandomMess Fri 28-Mar-14 01:17:36

How long have you been together?

GarlicMarchHare Fri 28-Mar-14 01:20:29

But they're already doing it! They're emotionally abusing DP by forcing him to choose between his own family and them ... they're emotionally abusing you in the same process ... and they're trying to tear the little mite's family apart before he's even properly realised he has one!

Can your DP not see this? (I agree with re-discussing it tomorrow, by the way. Dudgeons are likely very high atm.)

MistletoeBUTNOwine Fri 28-Mar-14 01:21:49

18m so not long. It felt 'right'. Soulmates. The whole shebang. Only after DS conceived do I notice the excessive drinking, he promises he'll cut down. He's SO stressed re his parents, but this only came to light as I said after DS conceived.
I'm a fool. Thought it was happy ever after, but knew deep down it wasn't. sad

MistletoeBUTNOwine Fri 28-Mar-14 01:24:01

I understand heat of the moment stuff. He's just emailed our mortgage broker to say we wont be buying 'our' house. (The doer upper was to make a quick buck).

MistletoeBUTNOwine Fri 28-Mar-14 01:24:59

I think this is it.
On my own with 2 dcs sad

horsetowater Fri 28-Mar-14 01:25:12

Sorry Mistletoe, perhaps it's more a case that he's fooled you rather than you being a fool. To hitch up with someone after 18 months not knowing his parents or his family background is fairly foolish but he will have played a big part in making sure things went his way.

wannaBe Fri 28-Mar-14 01:29:14

I agree with gert.

it sounds as if your dp has been conditioned by his parents but equally you are minimising and even excusing your mother's behaviour. No child of mine would be allowed unsupervised anywhere near a relative who had dismissed a claim of sexual abuse from their own child, regardless of how historical it was. She is not your rock, she clearly has you conditioned too, so I'm afraid to say your dp has a point.

It sounds as if you could perhaps benefit from some couples counselling, but you both have issues you need to deal with, this is not all just him.

You should sleep on it and try and talk about it in the morning when things have calmed down a bit.

If you have a ten week old no doubt you are also sleep deprived and then emotions run high anyway.

GertTheFlirt Fri 28-Mar-14 01:30:29

Has he ever had councelling regarding his upbringing?

I do feel for you, I really do.

And I do think both of you taking a massive step back and reviewing what was said tonight in the cold light of day and discussing whether the relationship is salvageable is the first thing.

That must have been some humdinger of a row because a conversation thus:
"Mum wants to look after the baby"
~"I'm breastfeeding so she cant"

really isnt enough for toys to be thrown out of the pram - there was a whole lot more, nasty stuff said. And that's the trouble, once it's said, it can't be taken back.

MistletoeBUTNOwine Fri 28-Mar-14 01:35:51

I've tried counselling, for us together and for him. But he says he'll go but doesn't have time.
Now he does!

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