Partner moved out, may possibly be depressed?

[Penguinpinata]

Hello first time poster hoping for some advice. Sorry it's so long. I've been with my DP for nearly 12 years. Always been v.happy together and were looking to buy a house and talking about trying for children (I have talked about this for a few years and he's not been ready.)

DP has always struggled to talk about his feelings to anyone: his attitude is that anger is something wrong and that people 'shouldn't' feel anger as it's pointless. Before Christmas we began arguing over little things and he also revealed he'd been seeing a counsellor in secret for a few weeks because he felt he needed support which I couldn't offer him (which I was very guilty about) and that escalated very quickly to the point where he moved out 6 weeks ago and is telling me he's been unhappy for years.

I was completely taken by surprise but eventually persuaded him to see a Relate counsellor with me. Both she and I think he may possibly be suffering from depression (we had individual sessions with her this week) or perhaps some kind of early midlife crisis triggered by thinking about houses/children but he refuses to even consider this and insists the problems stem from me apparently not letting him express his feelings whilst refusing to say what he wants to happen next in our relationship. He refuses to say anything about whether he even wants to move home whilst making plans to go abroad several times over the next few weeks meaning we're going to have to wait a while before we can have another Relate session.

I feel completely devastated and shell shocked by it all and I just have no idea what to do. I can't believe a few months ago we were so happy together and now we can't even speak to each other. Does anyone have any advice?

[JeanSeberg]

First thought is another woman.

Where has he moved to?

[Dirtybadger]

Don't think I can offer any advice, but it sounds like a real muddle OP .

Just to clarify; he is making plans with you to go abroad or alone?

[Penguinpinata]

He made plans to see family (who live abroad) for a week and then also to go away with the friends he is currently living with.

In my frightened, paranoid moments I have wondered about an OW but his Dad has had several affairs and I really do think that seeing the impact that's had on his Mum would mean he wouldn't ever do that. But I just don't know...

[JeanSeberg]

Keep posting here, you will get lots of support.

Do you have friends you can turn to in real life too? Have you spoken since he left?

[Donki]

I wouldn't count on feelings about how his father behaved to mean he wouldn't have an OW.
[Bitter experience]

Depression, particularly if coupled with low self esteem can make people very vulnerable to using an affair as a kind of self medication.

(But idiot H just thinks he is in love)

[Penguinpinata]

Thankfully I have some very supportive friends in RL - it was a couple of them who suggested he might be suffering from depression. I hadn't realised in men it could manifest itself as anger and he does seem really angry with me, and I'm wondering (or possibly massively deluding myself) whether he might be angry with his Dad over the affairs or freaking out over the thought of kids (we had a pregnancy scare in Jan) and he's taking it out on me.

We're texting a bit - we did try and see each other in person but it ended in a fight (where I ran off as I was so upset) and that's when I got him to agree to going to Relate.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

He doesn't sound depressed to me. Sorry op, this must be grim for you.

[Penguinpinata]

I think part of me is hoping that going to the counselling opened his eyes to all kinds of stuff he'd just buried very deeply and it's sent him in to a massive tailspin and he's questioning everything.

But I'm just really really struggling. If he is depressed, I want to help him as I've been depressed myself and know how hard it is to think clearly, but not talking to me is so hard. Even if we were to get back together, I don't know if I'd be able to trust him again.

[Dirtybadger]

My grandfather had an affair. Left my grandmother for the Ow. Shortly after, my grandmother died. My dad still had an affair. It means very little, I think.
OW sounds possible but not a given. I only explained to above to illustrate not to rule it out.

Tbh if your do is depressed but won't seek help there isn't much you can do. Don't let him punish you for his feelings. They are his. You did not cause them. He needs to deal with them in his own time without lashing out at you. If he is likely to continue to do this, I'd say limit contact until he can speak to politely/as an adult/openly. You both need to engage and it doesn't sound like he is.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Some people become angry and irritable when they begin to want 'out'. This may/may not be because of an ow.

It is an avenue that you must consider seriously though.

Fwiw, this whole depression/mid life crisis reasoning when a husband suddenly starts acting distant/angry/withdrawn/vastly different often turns out to be wrong. People just think they must be depressed as it explains a change and puzzling behaviour. Of course it could be and I'm not minimising that but be aware it could just be discontent within the relationship.

[LavenderGreen14]

I think OW too - I think depression is a red herring. Happens so frequently.

[Penguinpinata]

I am really considering the OW thing, it's just so horrible to think about.

I wish I'd raised it with the counsellor when I saw her separately but it felt like the idea of a mid life crisis or depression just fitted so much more with the timing and his behaviour. If there is someone else, I just wish he could tell me. This is breaking my heart - I'm exhausted and can't sleep and can't stop crying - and if I just knew we were over then I could try and claw myself back together.

[Donki]

Depression is not an excuse - although it may be a reason.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think ideas such as depression and mid-life crisis are a convenient hook to hang this kind of radical behaviour change on because makes it his internal problem - out of his control. 'Unhappy for years' coming from someone who appeared to be perfectly happy and is now making plans and going for international travel really does sound like an internal rationale for change rather than a clinical illness. What he wants appears to be 'a new direction' but you should be prepared to discover that it involves someone new at the same time..

I'm sorry you're going through this but would suggest you call time on waiting for a decision from him because that's putting your life too much in his hands. He's choosing to go travelling rather than explain to you what's going on or attending counselling with you. That's pretty insulting so reject him and take your life off hold.