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Getting over someone - it's possible, I promise!

(8 Posts)
colincaterpillar Thu 27-Mar-14 16:15:42

I posted quite a bit on the EA thread last year. Had a relationship with someone I loved very very much. It lasted two years, and for the most part it was abusive. It exhausted me trying to cater to his every whim. Yet I was devastated when I walked into our local pub with someone else. I had a nervous breakdown, it was pretty ugly. Signed off work, antidepressants, counselling. Urgh.

Thought I was over him a couple of months later. It did feel amazing not to be shouted at, not to be at his beck and call, not to be funding him. I went a bit wild at this point. Tattoo, holiday with my friends, a few one night stands...everything my ex would have hated me doing, just because I could. Then I came down to earth with a bang, felt profoundly depressed as I had begun to idealize him, miss him and realised this wasn't one of our tiffs and he really wasn't coming back. Well thank Christ for that!

The following few months were a bit bleak. I just existed, whereas in the summer, I had felt so liberated and everything felt exciting. I felt really low at times. I honestly now feel so much more liberated.

I still think about him or the relationship - fleetingly most days. But it used to be all the time, all day long. It used to be in a sad way. Now it's mainly in a hmm way or a 'did that [insert ridiculous/horrific incident] really happen?' if something triggers it. I don't berate myself for why I put with it, I understand he had some power over me and I get that. I'm so glad I'm not subjected to it anymore. Every area of my life is so much better for his absence. I never wish he would call or Facebook me or anything like that.

I am a year on almost from my breakdown. (I know not everyone likes that term, but it's useful for me - I withdrew from my social life (the little one that I had), couldn't work, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I felt weighed down by it and it physically felt awful - it was as if there was a poison running through me, I assume adrenaline, I don't know).

How did I get here?
- The EA thread and the Freedom Programme. Reading Baggage Reclaim over and over and over.
- Counselling
- Opening up to my friends & family about the nature of my relationship
- Indulging myself
- Not being subject to abuse day in day out
- Cliched as it sounds - returning to an old hobby has done wonders for me. I had to concentrate and at the time, it guaranteed me two hours a week where I wasn't focused on my ex. I've made new friends, done exciting things, it's given me a new lease of life. I wouldn't have been permitted or had the money to do this with him on the scene.

At the moment, it feels like the scars of this relationship will always be there. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It was a crazy time and it was a heady kind of love, he was spontaneous, we had good chemistry. But that was it and it wasn't for me. It has opened my eyes up to the good in some people and honed my radar for the bad ones. I have learned a lot about myself and the people I need in my life. I have cast off the ones that I don't. I am a more understanding and sympathetic person. Less judgemental, more well rounded.

I don't know why I'm posting, I just read so many threads on here with abusive/cheating partners and I just think 'I used to be there'. Getting over someone is so hard and there is no magic spell or quick fix, but it is possible. So if anyone is in the situation I was in a year ago, you have my sympathies. It passes.

louby44 Thu 27-Mar-14 17:00:28

What a wonderful and inspirational post! I'm sure others will gain strength from this!

FabULouse Thu 27-Mar-14 18:24:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FolkGirl Fri 28-Mar-14 08:06:17

Caterpillar That is so good to read!

I seperated from my exH in November 2012 and you could be describing me in your post.

I'm not quite 'there' yet, but the issues that are outstanding are the ones that meant I ended up in such a long EA in the first place and weren't actually caused by my exH.

But I am unrecognisable to myself and others from the shy, quiet, withdrawn and fearful person I was.

Well done and good luck for the future flowers

KouignAmann Fri 28-Mar-14 08:24:08

Glad things are getting better for you Colin and thanks for posting!

colincaterpillar Fri 28-Mar-14 12:19:05

I was worried this was a bit self indulgent to be honest, so am glad its been helpful at some level. Honestly, there' were days when I posted 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh I miss him so much, I cannot live without him'. Well, look at me, living and everything! It's great!

lemonbabe Fri 28-Mar-14 12:31:04

Bloody well done you smile, I'm really happy for you that you stuck to your guns and got through this to see a better, brighter day !!

Breakups are awful and demand so much of you. It can be utter misery in the early stages and you wonder just how you'll go on...

Been a few months for me now and there are still times when I feel lonely, abandoned, sad.... I do a lot of the stuff you did. Bagage reclaim is fab and there are lots of sites with good advice, friends are great too.

Good luck to you, you've done so well.

sus14 Fri 28-Mar-14 19:49:24

It's very helpful thank you, I fear some days I am nearly at a nervous breakdown, and today I am 40 and its so hard, but then we are still in same house so of course it's hard. When I am free I know I will be ok. Thanks for posting, it really demonstrates what a bad relationship can do to you and how you just have to work it out of you.

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