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Colleague having an affair?

(21 Posts)
AdminGirl Thu 27-Mar-14 14:47:28

My colleague has just approached me (not the first time) to ask if it's ok for us to pretend to be doing something together on Saturday.

I asked her to elaborate and she said a man (who she is attracted to and is single) has asked her out for a meal but her DH would not approve.

She openly admits that she is no longer attracted to her husband and has no romantic feelings towards him at all, the only reason she stays with him is because of their DD (aged 2).

I felt uncomfortable and said I wasn't sure, after which she said it didn't matter and that she would think of something.

A few weeks ago she came into work and said "If DH asks, I was out with you on Friday and you hurt your ankle falling over drunk so I stayed in the hospital with you until gone 5am"

The lie had been told so I chose to avoid him rather than lie.

How can I tell her to stop involving me without causing tension in work?

Rooble Thu 27-Mar-14 14:52:21

I would say something along the lines of "It's your decision how you choose to behave but I will not lie on your behalf".

It's tempting to give her a lecture about how she's treating her husband and child, but I think that is what would cause tensions. It's perfectly reasonable to refuse to lie.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Mar-14 14:54:36

I'm with the PP. She can do what she likes but she's being a cheeky cow expecting you to cover up for her. hmm If saying 'no' is going to cause tension at work then that's really her problem, not yours. Is it a big organisation?

FabBakerGirl Thu 27-Mar-14 14:55:07

What Rooble said. It doesn't have to be about whether you approve or not but that you don't lie and you don't intend to start now.

She sounds an idiot and a cliché.

AuntieStella Thu 27-Mar-14 14:55:10

You have to bite the bullet and tell her that you will not do this.

You cannot stop her from betraying her DH if that is what she is determined to do. But you are already uncomfortable with the lie, and it'll get worse if you let her assumption that you are OK with it continue.

If it all goes pear-shaped (as affairs so often do), I think you'd find it preferable to be standing well clear, rather than mixed up right in the middle of it as the alibi.

struggling100 Thu 27-Mar-14 14:57:08

Agree with the other posters above: you need to make it clear that you're not judging her (even if you are!), but that you're not comfortable being caught up in a lie because you don't want to hurt her DH or get drawn into the situation.

ormirian Thu 27-Mar-14 14:57:40

Keep well away. Tell her you want nothing to do with it. No way should she force you to join her in lying.

lavenderhoney Thu 27-Mar-14 15:10:43

She's the one causing tension at work!

Just say you can't do that, you're very sorry but you just can't. Say you would have to then bring your dh/dp into the deception and it would just be too awkward.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 27-Mar-14 15:37:29

I would explain that if she is OK lying that's great but it's best not to use you as an alibi because if her DH asks you outright you will not be prepared to lie.

Smilesandpiles Thu 27-Mar-14 16:10:31

Don't get involved and keep your distance from her as much as you can.

kentishgirl Thu 27-Mar-14 16:15:23

You need to tell her you are not willing to be used as an alibi. You won't go out of your way to tell her OH, but you will not lie and back up her stories either. You simply do not wish to be involved in any way as these situations can get messy, and you do not get into other people's messes.

(someone was using me as an alibi for an affair - without even telling me. Her husband found out, decided I'd been covering for her for months, got very threatening and abusive to me, and I ended up having to get the police to warn him off for harassment. You really DONT want to get involved in someone else's drama.)

SelectAUserName Thu 27-Mar-14 16:46:46

Just say "no, I don't feel comfortable lying". You don't have to elaborate or apologise. If she creates "tension at work" under the circumstances then she's even more stupid than she already appears.

Linguini Thu 27-Mar-14 16:59:33

Nevermind not lying, I'd want to tell her DH! Affairs are saddening...

Dirtybadger Thu 27-Mar-14 17:07:10

Everything everyone else has said.

If you want to be more subtle if you work very closely and are that worried about her reaction; tell her you're an awful liar and will almost definitely give her away so she is best not to even discuss it with you in case he asks. That way you are not involved. This gets you out of having to listen to her big up her new OM, too, hopefully.

I'd rather stick with "No! I'm not anything to do with this and don't approve, so don't involve me", though.

tribpot Thu 27-Mar-14 17:07:18

It sounds like you know her DH and may actually see him? Why can't she find some other mug to be her alibi, like one who doesn't know her husband? You will never carry it off if he asks you if your ankle is better - or even worse, mentions it to someone else who denies it on your behalf. Then it looks like you actively colluded in deceiving him.

I think you've got to tell her if she uses you again you'll tell her DH directly. If she wants you to stay out of it, she leaves you out of it.

chattychattyboomba Thu 27-Mar-14 17:20:02

Very selfish of her getting you involved.
Tell her it would be unfair of her to put you in that position, you don't want to know anything she is or isn't doing and you don't want her to involve you in any way.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 27-Mar-14 17:34:25

I'd tell her "do not EVER use me as an excuse because if you do, I WILL call your DH and tell him that what you said is not true!". Unless you threaten her, she will continue to use you (and not tell you she is) until you are forced into a confrontation with her DH.

How do I know? Got used that way, told her to stop without threatening so she continued to do so. Was confronted by the wronged DH and accused of 'masterminding' the whole affair as the 'cheater' blamed me for introducing her to the OM.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 27-Mar-14 17:41:32

addendum; I didn't introduce them!

Bunbaker Thu 27-Mar-14 17:41:36

I am a bit of a coward and a crap liar, so I would probably say "I am useless at lying so don't ask me to lie for you"

Gossipyfishwife Thu 27-Mar-14 19:01:26

My friend once worked with a chap who was having an affair with a colleague. She knew his wife quite well and liked her. He was a slimy liar and in due course his wife began to suspect the affair. She confronted him and he admitted it but refused to tell her who his lover was. The poor wife guessed it was a workmate and asked was it "Mary" my friend. The toe rag, agreed that it was indeed Mary, thinking it best to protect his lover.

His wife then rang Marys husband, told him his wife was sleeping with her husband.

The fall out was horrendous. Not only did the little shit destroy his marriage and family but he caused severe issues in someone else's marriage, my friend then was transferred from her department to a different job which she hated and eventually had to leave because of stress and anxiety. He eventually was dismissed as was his lover.

My friend was devastated by all of this. So my advice is do not allow this woman to include you in her lies.

jayho Thu 27-Mar-14 21:19:49

No, no, no, tell her you can't be expected to keep track of what she's doing and you might drop her in it if you get it wrong.......

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