Medium term lurker, first time posting. Will try not to drip feed. apologies that it is so long.
DP and I have been together 3 years. 18 month old DD. Engaged and pregnant within the first year - all planned and very happy. Whilst on maternity leave (about a year ago) we saw a financial planner and sorted through everything - a bit like doing a finance MOT.
We sorted insurance, pension, did finance risk assessments, got everything on the table. I have a savings personality (my dad was rubbish with money growing up, got into massive debt, hid it from my mum and the bank took the house when I was a teenager). I vowed never to lose control of my finances. DP has a spending personality (mostly because he used to work in roles with decent commissions - so if he got into debt - he'd have cash to pay it off later)
we have a joint account that wages go into and separate credit cards as well. I always pay off my credit card. It came out he had about 10,000 in credit card debt. Financial adviser suggested using some of my savings to clear the debts. I transferred money to make it happen. We're a team, right?
Fastforward 6-12 months and I'm more and more aware we don't seem to be saving any money, going backward actually even with me back at work FT. And also that we are living a bit too extravagantly. everything from nights out - to stupid investments on part shares in race horses (and we don't have that sort of money - more like 500 pounds for a 1% share). Yes we are idiots.
I finally sit down and go through one months worth of spend - every detail. I'm horrified to realise not only do we get through all our wages but we overspend by about 20%. And there's a transfer that came out of our savings for another 2500 for racing on top of that.
We sit down and go through it - and it comes out that it's not just money from the current account that we're going through. The credit card debt is still 10,000. racked up again and he's taken a personal loan out to pay it off. the racing transfer was a mistake - meant to be 250 and will be transferred back. i feel sick about it but also feel like i am to blame also - i was enjoying the extravagance too and not delving into it. he'd even mentioned consolidating the cards into a personal loan and I was so wrapped up in work and DD that I just didn't get into the detail.
it's 3 weeks on and i can't shake the feeling/haven't been able to have the big confrontation that i know i need to have. to get to the point to take out a personal loan - he must have been chased by credit card companies for months - which meant he hid that from me. he ripped up and put a statement from one of his credit card companies straight in the bin the same day it all came out and told me later it was just a final statement on the transfer. I don't believe him. And the racing transfer hasn't come back into our account yet.
We fought about it a week or so ago and he accused me of not trusting him and believing he was a liar. I said it was about transparency and moving forward. He sent me a screen grab of his total bank accounts and I saw that the total amount owing was more like 15K.
He's given me his last credit card and his current account card. I've done a strict budget that he's keeping to and only giving him small amounts of cash. He's on board with it all and feeling really positive and you can see he's actually happier.
But I can't shake the feeling that there is still more to come. He believes he's being transparent. I want access to his passwords/bank accounts and statements. If we budget properly we can pay it off over time. (a lot of time) But I'm scared it will get worse if I don't take control now.
Am I just being a fool? I can focus on the sorting the money bit but I'm lost on how to sort the relationship. I thought we had a strong partnership where we were open with each other. Now I don't trust him and feel like I'm hiding from a proper confrontation about it. Everything else about our relationship is great - but at the same time, it can't be if he was hiding this can it?
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Relationships
DP finance mess - am i also to blame and how do you get the trust back?
foolforlove · 27/03/2014 09:55
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Can you get copies of both your credit files. Then you will know exactly how many accounts there are and how much is owed.
You need to go through all your outgoings again and make sure your budget balances. Check that you're getting the best price for everything and that your financial advisor hasn't sold you a load of insurances that you don't actually need.
The only way it will work in the future with your DP is that you must control the finances with an iron rod and he does not have access to any credit. If you can't live like that, it will be over sooner or later 
.
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