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DP finance mess - am i also to blame and how do you get the trust back?

(82 Posts)
foolforlove Thu 27-Mar-14 09:55:42

Medium term lurker, first time posting. Will try not to drip feed. apologies that it is so long.

DP and I have been together 3 years. 18 month old DD. Engaged and pregnant within the first year - all planned and very happy. Whilst on maternity leave (about a year ago) we saw a financial planner and sorted through everything - a bit like doing a finance MOT.

We sorted insurance, pension, did finance risk assessments, got everything on the table. I have a savings personality (my dad was rubbish with money growing up, got into massive debt, hid it from my mum and the bank took the house when I was a teenager). I vowed never to lose control of my finances. DP has a spending personality (mostly because he used to work in roles with decent commissions - so if he got into debt - he'd have cash to pay it off later)

we have a joint account that wages go into and separate credit cards as well. I always pay off my credit card. It came out he had about 10,000 in credit card debt. Financial adviser suggested using some of my savings to clear the debts. I transferred money to make it happen. We're a team, right?

Fastforward 6-12 months and I'm more and more aware we don't seem to be saving any money, going backward actually even with me back at work FT. And also that we are living a bit too extravagantly. everything from nights out - to stupid investments on part shares in race horses (and we don't have that sort of money - more like 500 pounds for a 1% share). Yes we are idiots.

I finally sit down and go through one months worth of spend - every detail. I'm horrified to realise not only do we get through all our wages but we overspend by about 20%. And there's a transfer that came out of our savings for another 2500 for racing on top of that.

We sit down and go through it - and it comes out that it's not just money from the current account that we're going through. The credit card debt is still 10,000. racked up again and he's taken a personal loan out to pay it off. the racing transfer was a mistake - meant to be 250 and will be transferred back. i feel sick about it but also feel like i am to blame also - i was enjoying the extravagance too and not delving into it. he'd even mentioned consolidating the cards into a personal loan and I was so wrapped up in work and DD that I just didn't get into the detail.

it's 3 weeks on and i can't shake the feeling/haven't been able to have the big confrontation that i know i need to have. to get to the point to take out a personal loan - he must have been chased by credit card companies for months - which meant he hid that from me. he ripped up and put a statement from one of his credit card companies straight in the bin the same day it all came out and told me later it was just a final statement on the transfer. I don't believe him. And the racing transfer hasn't come back into our account yet.

We fought about it a week or so ago and he accused me of not trusting him and believing he was a liar. I said it was about transparency and moving forward. He sent me a screen grab of his total bank accounts and I saw that the total amount owing was more like 15K.

He's given me his last credit card and his current account card. I've done a strict budget that he's keeping to and only giving him small amounts of cash. He's on board with it all and feeling really positive and you can see he's actually happier.

But I can't shake the feeling that there is still more to come. He believes he's being transparent. I want access to his passwords/bank accounts and statements. If we budget properly we can pay it off over time. (a lot of time) But I'm scared it will get worse if I don't take control now.

Am I just being a fool? I can focus on the sorting the money bit but I'm lost on how to sort the relationship. I thought we had a strong partnership where we were open with each other. Now I don't trust him and feel like I'm hiding from a proper confrontation about it. Everything else about our relationship is great - but at the same time, it can't be if he was hiding this can it?

LavenderGreen14 Thu 27-Mar-14 10:08:11

blimey - sorry the first thing that hit me is you paid off his debts, and again you are saying 'we can pay it off'.

His debts are not your problem. And the £2.5K - that ain't coming back is it?

I think you are being taken for a mug and a cashcow - so sorry. If I were you I would cut your losses and run, before he bleeds you dry. Do you think you have ended up with the carbon copy of your own father - because that is what it looks like from here.

MatryoshkaDoll Thu 27-Mar-14 10:15:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggInABap Thu 27-Mar-14 10:16:48

He is lying about the �2500 coming back isn't he, that much is obvious.

If you don't get this ALL out in the open now you will never trust him again and it will eat away at your relationship. You need to show him this is serious-kick him out for a bit if need be. He can't be allowed to think that you will always come to his rescue if he fucks up.

I agree with pp- you seem to have ended up with a complete replica of your father.

peggyundercrackers Thu 27-Mar-14 10:17:17

i would be careful - i only say that ebcause of my experience of someone else in a very similiar situation. a relative of mine has twice had long-term relationships, one was a marriage and the other was a 10 yr relationships, with people who have hidden debt then when its come to light he has helped pay it off as they see themselves as a team and you help each other however like you even though the debt has been paid off or part paid off more still magically appears - this has eventually caused the breakup of both relationships. in the last relationship once the debt was paid of by my relation the other person decided to call it a day and walked off debt free. bastards!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Mar-14 10:17:42

I think you've, unfortunately, found a partner that's just like your Dad... You'll never have any money whilst you're with him and I'm sorry, but you can't trust him at all. I worry that you say everything else is great in your relationship.... without trust, honesty and everyone pulling their weight, it's not going to be much fun. You're also having to treat him like a little kid and, even though it's clearly necessary, that does nothing to increase your respect for someone.

RedRoom Thu 27-Mar-14 10:18:27

He is taking the absolute piss. You offered him a life line by being organised, financially responsible and by taking on his debt- accrued before meeting you- using your own carefully saved money. You go have gone from being stable with savings to in debt, and it is because of him. It is inexcusable for him to have had £10k paid off and then to carelessly rack up more. You need to separate your finances, and quickly. It is the only way that you can force him to stop spending beyond his means and using you as an interest free overdraft.

EggInABap Thu 27-Mar-14 10:18:52

BTW you aren't to blame for his money problems at all. But if you continute to enable him to behave this way by bailing him out again, then I think you are signing a deal for your own unhappiness.

RedRoom Thu 27-Mar-14 10:21:36

Ps spending £250 on racing (or £2500, as it may be if he is lying about there being an error) is downright irresponsible when he has * 10 bloody thousand pounds* of debt. What on earth is he playing at?

FragileBrittleStar Thu 27-Mar-14 10:23:54

I think the only way you can stay with him is if you have full control over his finances /joint finances - would you both be happy with that?

Did he ever pay off the credit card debt in the first place?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Mar-14 10:25:31

" I thought we had a strong partnership"

He's not a partner, he's what's termed on MN as a 'cocklodger'. As long as you keep bailing him out, he'll keep spending. What happens, for example, if your income was to go down? Another unplanned pregnancy or a redundancy, for example? Would you feel at all confident that he would step up to the plate and help steer the family through the crisis responsibly?

You're always going to be carrying this one.

Twinklestein Thu 27-Mar-14 10:26:23

Terrible advice from the financial adviser. Your husband is not bad with money because he used to gain commissions, he's just bad with money full stop.

Twinklestein Thu 27-Mar-14 10:27:49

^^gain good commission that should say.

Quinteszilla Thu 27-Mar-14 10:30:52

So he has a gambling problem to the point he has spent YOUR savings on his gambling, and rather than reducing debt he has racked up more.


You need to get away from him, he will bleed you, and your child dry.

Trebuchet Thu 27-Mar-14 10:32:54

Oh I feel awful reading the replies, because basically I was in similar situation, but I was the one in debt sad it is awful. I was so ashamed I couldn't even find the words to tell DH. All wrapped up in pnd too. I couldn't tell him for so long and it became so huge in my mind that I thought he would leave me. I paid it off myself with his support and amazing encouragement. I would never do it again, but can see how hard it is to fully disclose because you are afraid of all you may lose.

Trebuchet Thu 27-Mar-14 10:33:30

I didn't gamble btw, but overspent.

foolforlove Thu 27-Mar-14 10:33:35

It's bad when it's written all out. I just feel like I'm an idiot for burying my head in the sand at the signs. I do believe he wants to sort it but I also agree that it probably doesn't seem as serious to him as it should. Because we have a plan he is confident and willing to do what it takes. I need to step up and make it clear that I am not going to enable this behavior ever again. He isn't just risking our financial position - he's put our future as a family in jeopardy and will have to work incredibly hard to demonstrate he an and will change

foolforlove Thu 27-Mar-14 10:35:57

He paid down the credit cards but not off. It's obvious now that it didn't address the bigger issue of spending and spending. It just gave an out for a while.

Quinteszilla Thu 27-Mar-14 10:37:28

He wants to sort it, because debt is bloody expensive, but also because if it is sorted, he can more easily spend MORE!

And who is sorting it? YOU are. So you are enabling this behaviour.

You are not a team. Dont take any more debts on, and if you are not willing to leave him over this, you need to close the joint account and keep your finances separate.

PigletJohn Thu 27-Mar-14 10:39:51

You have to stop paying his bills. Until you stop he will just run up more because he will still be able to get credit.

You could have a joint account that you agree "both" will pay into for household expenses, no cheque book or card, only direct debits and standing orders (excluding his debts).

He won't pay into it, of course.

Quinteszilla Thu 27-Mar-14 10:41:21

Also you are not to blame.

You did not know about his spending. How can you be to blame? He is an adult, who has been abusing your trust and your funds. How can you blame yourself for his overspending, just because you did not check up on him? You should not have to!

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat Thu 27-Mar-14 10:41:26

Can you get copies of both your credit files. Then you will know exactly how many accounts there are and how much is owed.

You need to go through all your outgoings again and make sure your budget balances. Check that you're getting the best price for everything and that your financial advisor hasn't sold you a load of insurances that you don't actually need.

The only way it will work in the future with your DP is that you must control the finances with an iron rod and he does not have access to any credit. If you can't live like that, it will be over sooner or later sad.

PigletJohn Thu 27-Mar-14 10:42:01


It wasn't £250, as you know.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 27-Mar-14 10:42:32

Would you be now prepared to leave this man who is basically a carbon copy of your dad?.

Quinteszilla Thu 27-Mar-14 10:45:39

Atilla has a point. You have found a man who is like your dad. Do you wish this on your daughter? Look at your childhood, and losing your home, was your mum happy through all of that? Does she think it was worth it? Do you?

How are your parents doing now?

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