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I've messed up

(15 Posts)
Onmyown1 Thu 27-Mar-14 08:43:28

I have 4 children, 19, 15, 3 & 2 from 2 marriages. My husband left me in November after a bad year. I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, my dad died within 2 months of being diagnosed with esophagael cancer and my 3 year old was diagnosed with autism. I struggled and didn't deal with any of this very well. We kept arguing and getting further apart. I got help after he left and am fine now. My husband came round last night out if the blue to ask if we can give it another try (I've dreamt of this since he left). I messed up. I bought up something from 3 years ago (he was texting a work colleague 50 times a day, I work with him so know her). He said we can't move forward if I'm bringing up the past. I'm ok with it now as we discussed it last night. He said that's it, it's definitely done. I've said is he really going to throw us away from me saying that and he said he can't take the chance I'll not bring the past up again. Do I still live in hope or is it definitely over??

LavenderGreen14 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:07:51

i don't think you messed up - but he did! Texting a colleague 50 times a day - so was he having an affair with her? Why aren't you allowed to be upset with it. How do you know you can trust him after that, let alone leaving when everything was going wrong in your life.

Did he leave for an OW and now that has gone wrong expects to crawl back?

Sorry about your Dad btw, what a tough time you have had x

Jellymum1 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:10:34

you cant make it work just on his terms sad starting again should be a perfect opportunity to sort through any past hurts and, well, start again. so sorry I dont agree with you DH attitude at all

Onmyown1 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:14:17

Thank you for replying. He wasn't having an affair, they were just friends but he was hiding the texting and I wasn't aware of it until I saw his phone bill. At the time he didn't really discuss it. Since he left to get through I've been thinking about all the rubbish things that happened and that was on my mind as had never been really discussed. We had an argument and I asked him to leave, he was packed and gone within half an hour. He has since said it got that bad he was close to leaving anyway. No other woman, I know all his friends and I work at the same place so nobody from work either as I know them all

Onmyown1 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:16:18

Thanks jelly. I thought get everything out the way and start again. I wanted to take it slow, dates, spend time together before any discussion (as I said I've dreamt about it). He just came round and wanted to talk there and then, I was quite shocked and surprised.

LavenderGreen14 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:17:05

At the very least he was having an emotional affair though - that is bad enough isn't it. The fact he packed and left so quickly does suggest an OW - and his friends don't necessarily know everything.

LavenderGreen14 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:19:00

And he can't just turn up like that and expect the hero's welcome with no discussion - all on his terms again. And you put one tiny foot wrong and he is off again. Not offering any security, honesty, counselling, discussion. So basically he is asking you to put up and shut up or be alone?

Abbykins1 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:19:20

I have a feeling things will work out for you.

Onmyown1 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:21:32

There's definitely no other woman, he only has contact with women at work and none of them would because they know me and wouldn't touch him with a barge pole now. I think emotional affair, explained he's sitting with his family talking to her not me. He just thinks I have a problem with him having women friends. I just had a problem with the 50 texts.

Cabrinha Thu 27-Mar-14 09:33:18

You didn't mess up.
You should be proud of yourself - he came crawling back, you wanted him - but you had the courage not to be desperate and accept whatever he offered. You are allowed to express your concerns.
You did, he left. You see, it's just not going to work because it takes two and what he wanted back was the easy life, I expect.
Well done for valuing yourself and expressing your needs.
He left you, he made the mistake, he should be doing anything to make amends, surely? Not saying "you have to move on". Because that will apply to him walking out last Nov as well. He wants to get away with it all. That's not the actions of someone who has messed up, is remorseful, realises what they've thrown away and wants back.

As to "is there a hope / definitely over". YOU call the shots. It's not about him. And you can decide that no - you'd only try again with someone who would TRY.

Gettingmeback Thu 27-Mar-14 09:44:49

So he wants you both to get back together but you're not allowed to bring up issues that are still unresolved for you? If he's genuine, he should want you to feel safe that everything has been put on the table and resolved to your satisfaction. If not, you will continue to bring it up it or, keep quiet and slowly implode. It is understandable to not want something to keep being brought up if it's been discussed and agreed to move on. But this can only be asked of you if your voice has been heard, questions answered and he acknowledges the hurt. It feels like he is emotionally blackmailing you about the rules of behaviour as prescribed by him. He had an emotional affair so he doesn't get to set the rules. He agrees to the terms you need to grow the trust.

wallaby73 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:46:15

Hang on, you have been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.......of all the times a partner should step up and put aside literally everything else to support you, that is the time. And he LEFT?? shock Really sorry you have had to go through this x

Dahlen Thu 27-Mar-14 10:29:28

It doesn't sound at all to me like you messed up. It sounds to me like your H is a selfish man who completely failed to support you through what must have been a dreadfully traumatic time. Your relationship seems to be based on not being allowed to call him on any bad behaviour or resolve any issues by discussing them if he doesn't want to. That's not a relationship, that's one person (you) stoking the ego and supporting the life of another (him).

Sorry you've had such a hard time of thing. I hope you feel better soon and life improves. flowers

NatashaBee Thu 27-Mar-14 10:37:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onmyown1 Thu 27-Mar-14 10:59:58

I'm doing fine on my own, work 2 days a week and my sister and her friends have taken me under their wings. I'm ok money wise (since he's not spending it all). I was diagnosed with breast cancer in dec 2012, had mastectomy with immediate reconstruction jan 2013, found out it had spread and was stage 4 in April 2013. My dad died May 2013 and my son was diagnosed June 2013. I was awful to live with but he wasn't great either. He's not an emotional person so I know it took a lot for him to come round last night. But you are right, an hour conversation is not working at kt

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