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Anyone up? Argument turned violent(86 Posts)
Lying awake after DH pulled my hair so hard 2 hours my scalp still hurts. He did something to my neck too I'm not sure what or maybe it was the yanking of my head but my neck hurts too. sorry this will be long....
Have a 5m old baby, DC3. DH is spectacularly bad at helping with nights, our first two DC were breastfed and co slept for over a year each, so it was always my job. DC3 I couldn't bf so I get up to do bottles, dummy etc several times a night (dd3 is bad sleeper) but still 99 per cent my job as am always wide awake before DH even stirs (v deep sleeper). However I do feel that he could offer to do more at night and he never bothers to get her to nap in the day if he looks after her on his day off for a couple of hours when I rest, maybe as he finds it hard to put her to sleep.
Tonight I put baby dd3 down and then started making popcorn with dd2 but dd3 wasn't settled. Asked DH to cuddle her with dummy, he came to kitchen trying to give her back as he'd 'got the shitty end of the stick' (note I always always put dd3 down in the evening first time for ages i'd even asked him to hold her), he didn't want to swap and make the popcorn while I dealt with the baby, as wanted to watch his programme. So I finish making popcorn, come into lounge and he's playing with dd3 not even trying to get her to sleep. He said she was 'kicking off' and didn't want to go to sleep, I explained she always cries before going to sleep. So he asked how to get her to sleep and on my instruction then took her into quiet bedroom and managed to rock her to sleep and put her down.
I apologised to h before bed for being distant explain I just feel like I am with baby 24/7 (this is true) and haven't got much of myself left to give to DH. He is understanding.
About an hour or so after we both go to sleep dd3 wakes and is really coughing and crying, she's got a hacking cough that sounds painful so milk and cuddles not settling her. She sleeps in cot next to bed on my side. I am struggling with trying to quiet her when DH shouts shut up. This makes me furious as he's done nothing to help settle her like every virtually single night since she was born (maybe 5 times tops he has got up and walked her round in sling but not for ages) and I tell him to shut up if nothing helpful to say and how dare he say shut up when he's not helping. He says he put her to bed didn't he. Dd3 keeps screaming and screaming, DH now silent and presumably going back to sleep, i am furious and I scream in dh's ear (I know not proud). I say something else about how spectacularly unhelpful he is, he grabs me is v close to me while I'm holding the baby, shouting, I can't remember what happened exactly but I was frightened (he has headbutted me before in similar circumstances to get me to shut up) so I clawed out at him (his face? His neck? Don't know) and he said do you want to fucking start, said something about don't claw me you bitch and pulled my hair very hard then pushing me back down onto bed by the hair I think or neck. I didn't leave it there I screamed at him that he shouldn't say anything unless he could say something helpful as he was a fucking useless cunt.
This is the worst Jeremy Kyle argument isn't it. I get really really angry when woken up in early deep sleep, not with dd but I have found in the past I am feel furious with DH if he comments or just by his sleeping useless ignoring presence. It's awful written down I am a screeching fishwife and he is an aggressive lazy man. Probably deserve each other ,
You don't 'deserve each other', but you do deserve to be happy and free from violence in your own home. By the sound of it neither of you are. Why do you stay together?
Thanks for your reply, I'm not really sure why we're together. He is funny and kind most of the time but has a v short temper, and is aggressive, same as me really (or when it comes to him and certain issues). I keep thinking if we can get through the baby years (again!) we'll be ok. I love her but wish we hadn't had dd3, we were just coming out the other side with our eldest DC, this was unplanned and I don't know if I can get through it with him.
do you feel safe now, OP? will your H just get up in the morning as if nothing has happened? Have you thought about calling police?
He has head butted you in the past ?
Imagine your daughter telling you the same thing about her partner or husband in a few years time.
And you have your answer.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time of it. But,being funny and kind most of the time doesn't wash with me I'm afraid. No one should be violent to their partner. It's a horrible way to live. And it's an awful situation for your kids to be in.
But I really really wind him up, I didn't stop abusing him even after all that
In the morning get some RL help - GP, Women's Aid, Solicitor, friends, whatever seems right - but get some help for you and your DC. If you feel you have anger issues, get some help for that too.
You realise this isn't a healthy relationship, for you, DH or the kids. You need to get help or split. Would he consider counselling? Would you?
What sort of help could I get for my anger? I am placid and calm most of the time but don't seem to be able to stop screeching when I flip. I am same with DC, the eldest will tip me over edge with something minor and I will go on and on with the telling off even though I know it's out of proportion.
I would go to counselling I doubt he would, he would see the problem as all me I'm sure. He scares me but I don't seem to be able to stop pushing his buttons.
Have you always flipped, or since the new baby arrived?
I was like this after having dc2 and during pregnancy and after new baby. I just put it down to struggling with 3 kids and no support I think am good mum most of the time and on balance don't shout more than most. I get more angry and cross with kids when DH is around, almost to say look how hard it is I'm not coping! When I'm on my own I cope better rarely flip out.
My DP was also, frankly, a 'fucking useless cunt' when it came to helping with DC1. I would throw all kinds of abuse at him because looking after a newborn is hellish if they don't sleep well. It is truly 24/7. Many sympathies, dear op.
Do you want to stay with him? I don't think I could get past head butting, or hair yanking. You have done nothing wrong as far as I am concerned.
His screaming is not helping your baby. Or you.
I think if he scares you that's a big worry. You don't want your dc growing up exposed to situations like this. You need to get some help/counselling as a couple and him individually for his anger problems, if he refuses explain that you can't carry on as you are, it's not fair on you or the children. Sleep deprivation is miserable and you have my sympathies. That will get easier though, but your DP needs help. Good luck.
And stop blaming yourself, noone deserves or brings DV on themselves.
Maybe there's your answer, right there.
Agnesbligg that made me laugh. He is useless with babies. Shouldn't expect anything. But also too short tempered and aggressive and I really do know how to wind him up. We will probably both act as if nothing has happened in morning. Sorry my OP was so painfully long winded I had to write the whole evening down to try and work out where we'd gone wrong, I am no clearer but thanks so much to you all for reading and posting, going to try to sleep now I've got it out. My neck hurts though.
I hope you are able to get some sleep. It surely sounds a very rough night!
Look, it sounds like you both bring out the worst in each other when you're angry. You both put your hands on each other in anger tonight, he pulled you about, you clawed at him. You must be able to see that you both need to change or your marriage is doomed. Seek counseling. Go alone if he will not go. If you feel that you are not able to control your anger (and it doesn't matter if you only kick off some of the time) your children will suffer for it.
And as far as 'getting through the baby years', my love, the baby years are a cakewalk compared to the teen years! I've 'done' both and I know! The closest my DH & I ever came to divorce was when our boys were teens. And our boys were basically good kids, just mouthy & stubborn!
If you feel your marriage is worth saving, then you must take action. If not, then you need to end it.
You urgently need time apart. He needs to leave. The whole atmosphere sounds poisonous and dangerous. Your behaviour is poor but his behaviour is criminal and he's caused you actual harm. I'm very worried because you appear to be normalising the violence, trivialising it as 'short-tempered' and suggesting that you somehow deserve it. No you don't and this isn't a simple case of everyone learning to 'count to 10' or similar.
Womens Aid can be contacted on 0808 2000 247 and I think you should talk to them
Yes, I'm afraid there is this rule for men, never hit a woman. Your husband obviously has not learnt it, you can't stay with someone like that.
It sounds like you could do with some counselling, though maybe what you most need is sleep.
There is a rule for everyone which is never hit anyone... because assault is a criminal offence.
I think you are probably so tired after caring for 4 I mean 3 children and a partner. I know what you you mean by feeling more angry when he is around, because you are thinking why is not helping. I had one like that will do if you ask but with a grudge and why do you need to ask, surely can see you are struggling. You should not put up with the violence. In morning I would make it clear of the consequences if he does it again. I was told I changed when I had children ...well thank god for that..Yes its called maturity and motherhood .....some men still crave the attention we gave them before children ...and cant handle it when it is shared (only my view). Good luck hope you sleep well)
Get medical attention for your neck, & let them know how it happened.
This is a toxic relationship.
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