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Tips for curing loneliness please. This is kinda a PhD in length. Apologias.

(7 Posts)
Wickerman Wed 26-Mar-14 23:13:22

Hello. I'm a divorced single parent in my early 40s. I broke up with my bf afer 3.5 years in September. He's 15 years younger than me. It was the right thing for both of us but we were still very much in love when we broke up. It was an intense, extremely physical and affectionate and also turbulent relationship. He's extremely high maintenance and eventually I didn't have the headspace or energy for his chaos. He also had a brilliant relationship with my kids and is now their secular godfather. They didn't know we were together but because at the time we worked together and he was always,but always at my house, he became extremely close to them. By January I was feeling stronger and more resolute about not being with him but in Feb I found out not only that he has a new gf but that since Christmas he has been lying to me about it despite my suspicions and asking him outright, and several occasions when I became distraught because he suddenly went cold, confronted him and then he lied. We had resolved eventually to try and start a friendship because we get on extremely well but have been cautious about seeing each other face to face. When I called him on his lies he first became extremely cold and uncaring and then attacked me verbally and we ended up having about 3 weeks' worth of heated phone calls which ended every time with me saying I wanted him completely out of my life beacuse he was doing my head in and him then asking for another chance. Eventually he seemed to realise that repeatedly lying to me had not been ok and apologised. But the process was exhausting and was like being with him without any of the good bits.
I had a really good period after this was resolved - I decided to move house to get the imprint of him out of my memory - he's everywhere in my house - and I slept with someone elsefor the first time since him - -I felt mentally liberated and resolute- but as time goes on I feel devastated. I can't move house because I can't get a mortgage big enough. I'm trying to discipline myself not to think of him because I know he is no longer thinking of me and it feels masochistic, but it is extremely difficult. I miss him so badly. I feel that my approach, of attacking life at full tilt to get over him, may be wrong. My work is wonderful and I love it. But it's often isolated.My kids are superb. I have amazing friends but noone who I can see or talk to daily. I go to therapy. I work out. But I feel like I'm going crazy night after night and so I've attempted to internet date but the kind of responses I've been getting have made me feel even more lonely.
I should say that up till christmas he was still texting me in a really loving way and it felt like we were supporting each other going through the breakup.
Last Friday I had to attend a work thing that he was featuring prominently in and we hung out for about 1/2 an hour afterwards - with other people. I did the wickerman show and was hilarious and resplendent etc and on the way home I didn't even cry. But I seem to have had a delayed reaction. I've become obsessed with them as a couple since I found out - not in a stalkery way - not my vibe - but just in my head. She is his age and from a very celebby family and I have had to fight for everything in my life so hard and I know that this is making me feel old and ugly and lonely. I can't stop crying, I can't stop dreaming about him and them and I can't seem to move forward emotionally. This is crazy because when we were together he was insanely needy of me and that was one of the reasons I had to let him go.
I think I may actually be going mad over this. What does it sound like? I won't have to see him now for a few months which is good but I really value myself and my life and I hate what a parody of loneliness I have beome.

nappyrat Wed 26-Mar-14 23:21:09

Hope this doesn't sound flippant - it's not meant to - but I think you need to just get a massive change of scenery !! Book a campsite & take off to the hills for a weekend.
I always get major perspective on my life whenever I do this!
Hugs - it sounds like you have made a tough decision.

LCHammer Wed 26-Mar-14 23:22:45

It's still early days. Give it time and space. Three years is a long time, plus all the intricacies of working together. It will happen, eventually, you'll get the distance needed. It sounds like you have things in place with therapy and friends. I wish you a peaceful journey.

HowLongIsTooLong Fri 28-Mar-14 15:02:11

Just wanted to bump this as you have only had a few replies. Can't offer much advice beyond what sounds a bit clichéd: it is about taking time to get over what you have been through. It sounds like you are sure that you don't want to be with him, but any separation is painful and brings up a lot of emotions. And it's totally normal to feel jealous of an ex's new partner and their new life together even if you don't want to be with him (read some of the posts here on MN!) It sounds like you actually may be totally emotionally exhausted and need to rest and focus and accept that you should not be in a relationship right now, while you heal. Agree with LCHammer that you have a lot of good things in place to move forward. Just give it time and maybe give the internet dating a rest for a while.

newlifeforme Fri 28-Mar-14 16:31:44

You are doing all the right things but contact with him will set you back.Its like an addiction, you have to go cold turkey until he is out of your system.You will recover but it takes time and focus.Have a list of his negative points,when you are tempted to think of him just wheel out the list or force yourself to do something else or perhaps use the rubber band trick.

It is hard recovering from someone you loved even if you know its the right decision.This relationship will have taught you something - it happened for a reason but he isn't your life partner. Don't rush another relationship, if you need to feel loved (and we all do) look after yourself,how can you nurture yourself this weekend?

Ecclefechan Fri 28-Mar-14 16:41:59

OP - why not report your post to MNHQ and ask them to move it to Relationships board where you might get more help.

Good luck.

Hedgehead Fri 28-Mar-14 17:55:58

Your problem is not loneliness, it's that you're not over your ex and you seem to have some attachment issues.

You are taking everything that you are fed up with in your life and projecting it on to him and this new relationship imagining it to be ideal.

When your relationship finished and when you and he had the problem over him lying, obviously that was a shitty thing for him to do, but the reason the lies rocked your world is because your basic security in attachment to others appears to not be there.

Look up attachment theory and adult attachment.

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