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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Survival tips- living with your stbxh

13 replies

bigredstapler · 26/03/2014 22:22

I called time on our 18 year relationship just before Xmas and we agreed to separate . Stbxh is still living here while he waits for his new house to complete, we are in separate rooms and mainly staying out of each others way but trying to keep up an amicable front for sake of the dc's when they are around.

For various reasons I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore (we did Relate etc) and gave him permission to start dating when he asked..... 5 weeks after we agreed to split he's met his future life partner (as he updated his PoF profile to say and which friend spotted) , it is true love and he has found the soulmate connection be never had with me and has come to the realisation that he may have wasted the best years of his life with wrong person.

He is away from 8pm til the wee small hours of sat/sun or sat PM to Sunday avo most weeks now with her - either at hotels or at hers. I am left with the dc's and to deal with their questions as to Daddy's whereabouts and he's basically checked out totally and given up most household chores. Tbh not that different from when we were married but tonight he has pissed me off beyond belief.
..
I came home from work today to have the dc's so he could go and meet the mortgage advisor for his new house (he has never contributed to the joint mortgage but that is another story) - he allegedly had a previous appointment with him 4 weeks ago but was actually at m&s picking up her valentines undies (thanks to the dc who brought me the receipt /collection ticket from his desk as it was an appealingly coloured bit of paper). I then took the dc's to swimming club for 2 hours.... Got back no chores done.... Toys on floor, washing still in machine etc and was meant to be going out to his hobby but stayed in and his very presence has made me feel murderous.

His house is unlikely to complete for another 8 weeks or more. Our marriage had become toxic but I am sad for our kids and what could have been at times and just feel like this new relationship is being flaunted in my face while he gets to continue living in my house (it is mine) paying a contributon to bills but fuck all else with a built in babysitter, laundress and skivvy on hand and the attitude that I am the bad guy for sending the marriage so need to suck it up. I don't want to fuck up the financial settlement we have agreed so do need to suck it up but... But.... Aghhhhh.

Any tips on curtailing murderous thoughts?

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bigredstapler · 26/03/2014 22:23

Apologies for typos.

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Scornedwoman67 · 26/03/2014 22:29

Sorry you are going through this. Firstly just keep reminding yourself that in the very near future you will be rid.
Secondly stop doing anything 'wifey' for him. No cooking, no washing. And thirdly sit him down & decide which two weekends each month he will be having the kids. Because once he's moved out thats how it will be. In the meantime, you will have alternate weekends to go out with friends whilst he stays in & is responsible for child care & bedtime etc.

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louby44 · 26/03/2014 22:56

Scorned is spot on. No more cooking, washing etc and start going out and leaving him too it.

I spent 8 weeks with exP all over Xmas/ New year, it was vile, truly awful. The day he left was such a relief.

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olathelawyer05 · 26/03/2014 23:27

"...And thirdly sit him down & decide which two weekends each month he will be having the kids. Because once he's moved out thats how it will be. In the meantime, you will have alternate weekends to go out with friends whilst he stays in & is responsible for child care & bedtime etc."

Just on this, what if he says "No, when I move into my new place, I'll let you know what arrangements I'd like Re: the kids"? I only ask because your tone makes it sound like something she can dictate to him, which of course it isn't. She's going to have to 'negotiate' it with him, unless she is herself otherwise prepared to leave the kids and run off.

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Scornedwoman67 · 27/03/2014 00:15

well if he doesn't want to see his children ola that will be his loss. Most divorced couples have children alternate weekends.

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wannaBe · 27/03/2014 00:34

agree with everyone else. If he's already behaving as if he doesn't live there then treat him as such. Don't do his cooking or washing, and tell him that you're going away this weekend so he will have the kids (given you had them last weekend).

I realise that it's hard to detach from things like family meals esp when you have young dc, do they know that you've split up?

I had to live with my xh for eight months to allow for finance/separation/house to go through, and fortunately for the most part we were able to stay amicable enough to at least have family meals together, and I did the cooking as I was cooking for me/ds anyway. But it can be hard especially if you're having arguments about anything, because the limbo means you can't talk things through but can't really have a screaming row either if you have dc's and you still have to live together for another eight weeks.

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SolidGoldBrass · 27/03/2014 00:51

Also start dating. You don't have to do anything major, but little things like leaving your laptop open at OK Cupid or similar - make it clear that you are not sitting around pining for him, and make sure you do go out and leave him with DC.

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bigredstapler · 27/03/2014 07:11

Thanks all.
We have agreed a schedule for the dc's once he has gone (Altho there are already mutterings from him that eow may not be convenient with her kids schedules..... I told him firmly that her childcare arrangements are not my problem) but the do not know we are separating yet - er plan to tell them one he has exchanged so that they can pick out stuff for their rooms there. Or marriage was dysfunctional to the point that STBXH sleeping in the same room as me and vanishing for chunks of time is barely comment worthy.

What is frustrating is that he has appalling time keeping etc so that it is actually hard for me to make plans and leave dc's with him half the time.

Roll on mid June and I will offer up prayers to the conveyancing gods for a smooth chain transaction. And breathe...

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bigredstapler · 27/03/2014 07:12

Oh Ffs... My typos.

We plan to tell them (not er)

Our marriage (not or)

.... Sure there are others.

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bigredstapler · 27/03/2014 07:29

... And there is no pining on my part - can't see what's to pine for as I will not miss the selfish, emotionally neglectful cocklodger.

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Amicus1966 · 27/03/2014 07:40

Does theOW have a place of her own? Couldhe move into hers until his place is ready?

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Amicus1966 · 27/03/2014 07:45

Sorry just read he stays at hers at the weekend.
Tell him the atmosphere in the house is not good for your DCs and that he should move into hers whilst his place is being sorted.
If she really is his "soulmate" then he'll be glad to do it.
Also that means he can see the DCs at the weekend giving you a break and him the chance to spend time with them.

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bigredstapler · 27/03/2014 08:05

Sadly he's not staying over at hers all weekend... Just goes (to hers or I think hotel) say 8pm to 4am or does 8pm sat til Sun afternoon as she has kids too and he apparently needs to be mindful of them as he's not met them yet.

She lives too far away for him to move there and commute to work and I get the impression she is being sensible about introducing him to her kids at this stage.