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inhibitions and (very) low sex drive

(6 Posts)
nita305 Wed 26-Mar-14 20:13:39

DH and I have had sex about twice a year, maybe 4 since DC was born 4 years ago. Before that sex was more frequent but we weren't exactly sexual animals - sex twice a month possibly. Mid cycle I get horny but otherwise I would never initiate sex. I sometimes wonder whether there's sth wrong with me. DH is now not much better - I have a feeling that being turned down he's just stopped asking. We don't really talk about it and he rarely pesters me. I think I am quite inhibited and would like to be different but don't really know how. If I initiate sex I do it in a really roundabout way and last time (October) it took him ages to get the hint. I worry about being too sluttish - whatever that means. I've never given him a blow job while he goes down on me whenever he gets the opportunity. After climaxing, I always feel slightly embarrassed and feel like hiding my face. I also feel my contributions to our sex life is boring. I only had one boyfriend before him so not particularly experienced but still I sometimes hate myself as I'd like to be a bit more enterprising but just to know how and how to get rid of my inhibitions as I'm late 30s. Whenever I try to explain how I feel DH just shrugs and says well we're married who cares what we do. But it doesn't really help. DH is lovely and we have an otherwise good happy relationship. Sex before DC was more frequent but nothing different except DC was conceived during a phase when we had lots of sex - the only time in our relationship probably. With DC around we have obviously less couple time, we hardly ever do date nights and DH works lots and comes home tired. I work too but only PT now and less stressed. I'm not worried about my body image particularly. I had an episiotomy with DC so was put off sex for a while after that as it was sore and felt different (still does) but I wouldn't say it was the only reason. Just not sure what to do and wondering if anyone has any ideas. Sometimes feels like I'm missing out on life and that one day DH will wake up and want something/someone a bit more fun.

GrumpyOldNag Wed 26-Mar-14 20:36:22

I was in a similar position, and I think it is something that you have to work through with your DH. What really helped me though was reading the Savage Love advice column in the Seattle Stranger (there are archives online going back to 2001 or something). It's a sex and relationships column written by Dan Savage, and although a lot of people on mn would really hate some of his views, I found it really helped me change my attitude towards sex and communicating. It is not for the faint hearted (you can't even imagine the range of people who write to him), and it might not be your cup of tea. It's just what worked for me when I was in your shoes smile

GrumpyOldNag Wed 26-Mar-14 20:37:09

www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?archives=all
If you're feeling brave! grin

maleview70 Wed 26-Mar-14 20:57:23

A lot of the way we behave is inbuilt and hard to change especially things like this. It takes a lot of work and commitment from both parties to change things.

Doesn't sound to me like it bothers him that much.

You basically have a sexless marriage and have done for 4 years.

I wouldn't particularly worry what other people are doing. All relationships are different.

Do you see each other as best friends rather than lovers? Was the lust ever there or were you friends before you got together? If it's the latter then I doubt it will ever be a lust filled shagfest

nita305 Thu 27-Mar-14 18:47:33

Thanks all. Guess we feel it's important to be best friends long term is good for the relationship but there was def more lust pre-baby but the same issues were already there. Now much less time to work on anything - less me time, less us time. Feel it's often one-sided as in I'm not sure how much I'm bringing to the sex we have - just feel I'm far too passive. His shrugging is more to do with thinking I'm slightly mad to be so inhibited, esp as we're married, not as in not caring. A few times he's said that he feels rejected or that I don't love him - and he doesn't get it when I explain. Just think he might end up going elsewhere esp when DS has grown up and I wouldn't really blame him in a way hence the reason why I'm posting.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Mar-14 19:00:31

You might personal benefit from counselling to explore why you are so inhibited and seem to find sex shameful or embarrassing. Did you grow up in a very sexually repressed environment, for example. Where did you learn about sex and what were your early influences? If your experience of sex with other people is limited, how do you feel about masturbation and what turns you on? Are you generally confident in your body? ... If you can talk openly with someone about all of this, you might feel a little more relaxed

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