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Dh appears to have 'checked out' of our relationship. What now?

(21 Posts)
soaccidentprone Wed 26-Mar-14 16:32:45

We have been together nearly 15 years, and have had many ups and downs in that time (all perfectly normal stuff though).

Dh has never been the talkative type, except when he has a few drinks. He is very sociable, and if we had more cash I'm pretty sure he would go out more than he does. He has a number of friends, about half of them female.

I go out too with my friends, but not as much. We have always been fine with this. About half of my friends are male.

Anyway, I am currently on ADs and have been for a few years. They have definitely helped me, but I have put on weight. Probably around 4 stone, though I don't want to weigh myself. I also had an accident (hence the moniker!) a few years ago which also resulted in me being less active, which again has resulted in weight gain.

Recently I have felt that dh is making less of an effort with me. He is less talkative than normal, less affectionate, and we haven't made love for weeks now. It feels as though he has emotionally checked out of our relationship, and that he doesn't find me attractive anymore.

I have asked him if anything is wrong. He says not. I have asked if I have done something to upset him, or if something has happened. I have sat and talked with him about my concerns. He assures me everything is fine. But it doesn't feel it to me.

I hate that I have checked, but I have looked at his emails, Facebook etc (I know his passwords). He told me a while ago that it is his friends who usually suggest going out. The only thing that I could see was that it was him making the arrangements to meet one of his female friends, not he (they have been friends for 20 years), and that he was calling he the same nickname he uses for me (which I thought was odd). She also moved house about 2 years ago and now lives much closer to us than she did previously.

I'm not sure what to do next. I did think I would have found some evidence that he is at least emotionally involved with another woman, but didn't really find anything apart from the above (which I'm not happy about).

Any advice on what to do now? And sorry for the length of the post....

soaccidentprone Wed 26-Mar-14 17:01:39

Bumphmm

soaccidentprone Wed 26-Mar-14 17:03:43

Her, not he!

brokenhearted55a Wed 26-Mar-14 17:09:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissScatterbrain Wed 26-Mar-14 17:38:13

We say on here always trust your instincts.

Sounds like this woman might be more than a friend. Have you checked his mobile and phone bills?

Notnastypasty Wed 26-Mar-14 17:53:57

It could be innocent but this is exactly the way my stbxh was acting not long before I uncovered his affair. I too asked him on many occasions if he was happy, still loved me, had feelings for anyone else but he always laughed and told me I was being silly. I wish I'd trusted my instincts as I have never been paranoid or jealous and I think you just have a gut feeling for when something has shifted in your relationship. I hope this isn't the case with you though OP x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 26-Mar-14 17:54:02

Knowing DH so well, you know when something's not right. That was a good idea, asking DH if anything is wrong, unortunately he didn't reassure you. That distancing thing you mention is often a very big indication that the partner is consciously or not putting your relationship on a new footing. Sorry but calling her the same nickname he uses for you is a major red flag.

QuiteSo Wed 26-Mar-14 17:58:00

Another one here whose husband got more and more distant until I found out he'd been shagging his 'friend'.

Sorry, OP.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 26-Mar-14 17:59:14

Same here...so distant he hardly looked at me!!!

He was cheating but think it was lots of little indiscretions rather than affair. He's checked out big time

mammadiggingdeep Wed 26-Mar-14 17:59:25

He'd not he's

Joysmum Wed 26-Mar-14 18:19:31

You don't ask if there's a problem, there clearly is because because you've noticed lack of sex and chit chat.

So you tell him there is a problem and you discuss how to fix the lack of everyday closeness and intimacy.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 26-Mar-14 18:22:15

I'm no party animal myself but maybe before your ADs took effect, your self-confidence took a knock. And let's face it, if you have DCs it is easy to fall into Mum + Dad roles, life gets a bit same-y. But living as a couple you have that shared history, it doesn't sound like you ever resented him having a social life, and putting some extra weight on shouldn't mean you and he can't make time for each other or be intimate.

Health-wise and purely for your own well-being, if you want to look at your current fitness I am sure your GP could refer you to a dietician, and check you over before you embark on exercise. Start with something gentle, like walking, then try yoga, and weights. While your mind's buzzing, activity will give you time to think what you want to happen.

Right now, without you trying to regain his attention by setting yourself impossible targets, what do you want to achieve?

Looking ahead, when your DCs leave home, and it's just you and DH, what will you have in common? Do you currently go out as a couple, mid-week or at weeknds, is it possible to set aside time to yourselves or is he making excuses to go out?

This friend of DH's, what if anything does she have that you don't? There may be nothing in it, or he may be cautious not to let on too early. If they have known each for so long, what stopped them getting together before he met you?

If you think the horse has already bolted, you may wonder whether any of the above is worth it. Well whatever is happening you want to be at the top of your game don't you. If it turns out there is some other female in his sights, you aren't going to play 'pick me'.

I would make some small changes to your life, for your benefit as much as for you and him, stay watchful, see if your talk has had any effect.

QuiteSo Wed 26-Mar-14 19:09:39

The trouble is, if he's checked out of the marriage, none of that 'reconnecting as a couple' stuff works.

OP, why not say to him, 'I know all about you and X (the friend)' and see if he gets that rabbit-caught-in-the-headlights look on his face. If so, there's your answer.

badbaldingballerina123 Wed 26-Mar-14 19:11:41

Your Dh ignores you , yet has contacted this woman , used a nickname usually reserved for you , and arranged to meet up with her . Isn't that. A date ?

The fact he didn't mention it rings alarm bells. What was her response , did they actually meet up ?

LEMmingaround Wed 26-Mar-14 19:19:22

Donkeys - you are having a laugh aren't you? Are you saying this is the OP's fault???

I have put my DP through a really really hard time in the past, i am on ADs an i have put on loads of weight (loads!). I am probably double the weight that I was when we met - has he started calling other women babe? has he started initiating outings with other women? is he avoiding me in the bedroom - no, of course he isn't! He is just the same as he always has been randy git in fact he is even more loving and understanding than he was before.

OP - may i ask why you are on AD's? Do you think you would still need them if you lost oooh, about ten stone? or more, if thats what your DH weighs? Could he be the reason for your lack of self esteem?

badbaldingballerina123 Wed 26-Mar-14 19:35:08

Donkeys wasn't saying it was the ops fault . She didn't say that anywhere.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 26-Mar-14 20:15:41

Thank you bbb123.

LEM please wind your neck in I only mention fitness weight and health because OP did. I don't think any health issues or what the scales say should impact on how much respect OH gives you.

OP I am not for one moment saying it is your fault DH is acting differently towards you.

soaccidentprone Wed 26-Mar-14 21:29:16

I have checked dh's phone, tablet and PC. I couldn't find anything in addition to what I stated earlier. Though my dh has a degree in It and potentially could have other accounts set up other than his email and Facebook accounts.

Dh and his female friend have been friends for a lot longer than we have been together as a couple. I think she is the complete opposite to me in most respects. They usually go out for a drink or to see a band or something. Either the 2 of them, or with other friends as well. I've never had a problem with this until recently. Since she moved and lives nearer to us (about a 15-20 minute walk) she has been in contact with dh more frequently. I'm pretty sure dh finds this very flattering. And on checking his Facebook messages today I noticed he had called her my nickname hmm

LEMmingaround Wed 26-Mar-14 21:34:03

Sorry Donkeys - i misread your post, i am a twat - ignore!

badbaldingballerina123 Wed 26-Mar-14 21:42:56

This doesn't sound good . Personally I'm not into opposite sex friends and would perceive these outings for a drink , or to see a band , as a date. Why are you not included ? I wouldn't be ok with my husband spending family money on taking another woman out.

In your shoes I would say no more about it . But I would read this talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/ and I would read it carefully. There is lots of good advice about how to gather evidence and what to watch out for.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 26-Mar-14 23:33:47

A partner who cares about your feelings would be mortified to think you were unhappy or expressing concerns soaccidentprone.

I hope that things between you improve again. It's very unsettling once the thought crosses your mind you and your OH are no longer on the same wavelength.

And btw thanks LEM.

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