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When friends split or divorce...

(11 Posts)
singleandfabulous Wed 26-Mar-14 11:59:00

how do you decide which party to continue the relationship with?

If you stopped speaking to one party and continued to see the other, why was this?

One of my friends has recently split from her husband (mutually I think) and she's shocked at the number of friends who avoid her but continue to see him. She's very upset and doesn't know why her friends have abandoned her. I don't know what to say to her to comfort her.

meditrina Wed 26-Mar-14 12:03:19

Various possibilities:

a) the one you are related to
b) the one you knew first
c) the one you like best
d) the one you think is the wronged party (if one is externally identifiable)
e) the one who has stood by you in the past

It's probably an area best left unexamined tbh.

LizLemonOut Wed 26-Mar-14 12:25:50

no reason why you can't be friends with both

singleandfabulous Thu 27-Mar-14 10:01:36

Thanks meditrina that helps.

Her husband has a good job (doctor) so she feels people may be following his money/status. Such a shame. Still, at least now she knows who her genuine friends are.

Lovingfreedom Thu 27-Mar-14 10:20:30

It depends on the circumstances but usually I think the friends follow the partner they knew first/better. If one party has been unfaithful that might have a bearing? I find I have few mutual friends with my ex now. Some of 'his' friends stayed acquaintances with me. Most of my friends thought he was a knob anyway.

JeanSeberg Thu 27-Mar-14 10:29:16

Divorced long-term here, all our friends split down exactly the lines of who we were each friends with originally.

Don't really get why people would follow her ex's money/status - is this a genuine concern for people?

AdminGirl Thu 27-Mar-14 10:29:49

I am in a difficult position with my friends.

I only know Boy through Girl, but really like Boy, excellent husband to her, absolutely loved the bones of her. Only she cheated and told him she was going to do it, absolutely terrible what she did, still hounds him on fb even though they have seperated and he is trying to move on. She is still in relationship with person she cheated with. She has told me to stop talking to him, but I like him. Disagree with what she did but she's a great friend and I like her.

Still with me? Lol

JeanSeberg Thu 27-Mar-14 10:42:48

Just tell her it's not up for discussion. She doesn't get to dictate who your friends are.

akaWisey Thu 27-Mar-14 11:30:20

I'm in the same position myself OP. It's very difficult as they're both very dear to me but he's the one who fucked up and we're all reeling, most of all his DP.

So far I've been supporting her as she's by far in the most vulnerable position financially (let alone the shock of an OW who isn't going any where). Although I've known him the longest I've taken the stance that she needs me more than he does the shit but it has changed how I feel and think about him, probably forever.

singleandfabulous Thu 27-Mar-14 11:42:36

Very difficult. She was my friend first but he is a decent man and I like him too. It's just very sad. There has been no 'injury' to any party that I'm aware of, they simply got fed up with one another. She is worried though I think that some of her friends may have an eye on her stbexh.

I intend to be civil to him but continue to develop my friendship with my friend only.

Innogen Thu 27-Mar-14 11:47:42

I don't think people are choosing him for money and status, that is a very easy thing to convince yourself of when friends don't choose you.

She just needs to cut losses and move on with the friends she has, I'm afraid. People choose their friends based on who they like the most. Harsh, but true.

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