Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Gone of dp

(15 Posts)
Wheresmysocks Wed 26-Mar-14 01:59:59

Dp & I have been together for nearly 15 years.

Ive totally gone off him. I know people will think I'm horrible but he's put on alot of weight. I don't know what he weighs but he used to wear 34 waist trousers & now wears 44. He barely can buy clothes.

I've tried talking but he's really useless at talking.

We have dc together. Nothing else.

He's done nothing wrong to split up but I don't feel like he's a partner, more a house guest.

We have nothing in common. We don't go out. Not even with the dc now.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Will it get better or should I consider this relationship over?

Wheresmysocks Wed 26-Mar-14 02:14:46

That title should be off not of! Sorry on phone & feeding baby.

Wurstwitch Wed 26-Mar-14 03:07:43

A house guest that you have sex with, if you are currently bf his baby and have been together for 15 years with more than one child.

It sounds just like your hormones talking to be honest.

Why not suggest you all get out together more, get some regular exercise, and both tone up and lose weight? Then see how you feel.

You do know that after 15 years it's totally normally for your relationship not to be at fever pitch, right? Friends is good. Friends that sleep together, like you do, is better. Time for you to support him in getting it together to live a healthier life. As a family.

Wurstwitch Wed 26-Mar-14 03:12:48

I mean, you can walk if you like, but it's really just giving it up and chucking away all your history. You've grown up together, and relationships do change. They do still require work. If you can't do that, then just walk.

It's a shame, if you can't be bothered just because he's put on weight. Most stuff like this creeps on you, because you are so busy earning a living to support your family and whatnot. People don't usually think 'well, that's that then, time to let myself go'. Chances are he's been slogging it out at work earning the cashola to keep the family solvent and pay the rent (as probably have you).

When you have little kids, you tend to put your family first, and things like physical fitness slide. It's harsh to walk off just because of that, really.

That said, if he's done nothing but sit on the sofa eating chips and drinking beer for 15 years, whilst you've been working ft, off at the gym whilst the kids are at the child minder, and you're the main breadwinner, maybe consider he's depressed?

I'd work at it a bit more if I was you. But if you can't be bothered, it's your family.

Lweji Wed 26-Mar-14 03:45:28

Is it only the weight? Or his behaviour too?

Do you go out by yourself? Does he?

If you have a young baby, it could be that you just don't feel like having sex for a while.
Or you do, but he doesn't?

How is he useless at talking? How do you approach the subject?

Missesbumble Wed 26-Mar-14 05:15:44

OP, do you mean you've gone off your dp because he's gained weight and you don't find him physically attractive anymore?

Over how long a period has your dp's weight crept up? Is it middle aged spread? does he have a non active job? Could he be in a rut/feeling down & eating more as comfort? Could it be a health reason why dp has gained weight? There are so many scenarios other than merely over eating and not being active.

15 yrs is a long time to spend with someone and if he's a good person/father I wouldn't suggest walking away would be the first port of call. Relationships do change over time and become less exciting unless we continue to put the effort in. They require work from both parties.

You mention 'feeding baby' so I'm assuming under 1 yr old? All parents know that this is a tough time, especially for relationships with hormones etc. We can also feel like 'is this it, is this my life'? Life, is what you make it. I would suggest having a talk with your dp and if you're not sure why dp has gained weight ask him how he's feeling and if there's any worries he has. It's a two way street.

How is dp with you? Does he make you feel like he's gone off you? Unless you talk you're never going to get to the bottom of anything. I'd personally be mortified if my h had told me he'd gone off me due to weight gain. My weight fluctuated over 5 pregnancies but never once did he make me feel unattractive due to my weight. I'd have kicked his arse to the kerb if he had. I'd lose weight for me, not for a partner.

You ask will it get better?, sadly not if you don't communicate.

Good luck thanks

Wheresmysocks Wed 26-Mar-14 07:24:57

I know it seems very harsh but I do not find dp attractive anymore. The majority of the weight is in the last 3 years. His job is very inactive. His weight is affecting his everyday life.

Dp won't communicate. I try to talk but he won't reply. Literally sits there looking at me. He doesn't know what to say so says nothing.

How do you 'make' someone communicate?
How do you get through to someone who eats junk & rubbish?

After our other dc we were back to 'normal' by now but even he knows as he hasn't even tried!

We rarely go out but its been that way for years due to work or dc & it isn't an issue.

It's horrible. I feel really bad. I don't want to hurt him. But I can't imagine this is it& how I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

Missesbumble Wed 26-Mar-14 07:49:39

Yes, it may sound harsh but if that's the reality there's no point you or anyone else beating you up about it.

It's horrid when someone won't communicate with you, it can make you feel frustrated, despondent and downright angry. My h is a nightmare and he stonewalls or dismisses me a lot of the time. I feel the same as you in the 'gone off' sense but for different reasons. Communication is key to dealing with or sorting anything but it's easier said then done.

I know from my own personal experience, I can talk till I'm blue in the face but getting a response is a different matter. Sometimes my h makes all the right noises and nods in all the right places but I know it's either going in one ear and out the other or he's just not really listening.

The only alternative to this is writing it all down, either in a letter, email, text. Whichever you think he will read, it's not as easy to ignore the written word and he can read it over and over again rather than just hearing what he wants. Sadly some people have a 'head in the sand' stance on things, ignore it for long enough and it will go away :-/ not so, it just gets bigger till everything starts to piss you off.

Your dp needs to want to help himself, he needs to want to get fit and healthy and if he doesn't want to he's not going to do it. If it's not for himself then for his DC's sake in all honesty. They want daddy around for a long time to come whether you're together or not.

Is it possible he's depressed? issues with his job or anything like that? Or do you think he's just in a comfort zone and eating junk because he feels he's no one to impress anymore. Does he think, 'lovely dp gorgeous DC's what else could I possibly want'?

Is your dp happy? harsh as it may sound, he could just be plodding along as you seem to be doing. Sometimes we just fall out of love, we care for each other it doesn't feel like it's enough and something's missing.

It's your relationship and what you do is your business, if you feel there's hope then at least give him chance to make changes but I think he needs to know how this is really affecting you and how serious the situation as got. thanks

Armadale Wed 26-Mar-14 07:53:31

It sounds very hard to live with someone so shut down, and it sounds like you have a lot to cope with having a new baby as well.

I do think the large weight gain in 3 years, inability to talk and refusal to go out anywhere do suggest quite a severe depression.

Can you tell him how hard you are finding it to see him like this and suggest he goes to the GP?

Wheresmysocks Wed 26-Mar-14 08:27:30

Thanks for the helpful replies.

I do think dp is depressed. His job is boring & hes unappreciated by his company but he a middle aged, unskilled & poorly educated man so has very limited choices.

I've tried to get him to do stuff. To exercise more, get out for walks, that sort of thing. He's very lazy. It's his nature...We are like the turtle & the hare!

People comment about our size difference as I'm very petite. I'm the same size I was when I met dp.

He's a grown man. He needs to take responsibility for himself. I don't want to have to do everything all of the time, including getting him to look after himself. He should be looking after me.

The night our baby was born really brought it home to me. I went into labour in the middle of the night. We got to the hospital. I had dc 40 min later. 2 hours later dp needed to go home as he was exhausted. He could have stayed but needed to sleep. He didn't come back until I was discharged 12 hours later. I spent the day in the birth centre by myself. Dp slept.

I've never voiced that, as it actually hurts so much

It's never going to change unless I change it...

Missesbumble Wed 26-Mar-14 09:29:30

Sometimes when we scratch the surface we reveal deeper seated issues. We often try to bury them to avoid the hurt or dealing with them at the time. As time goes by they either resurface or are recalled during arguments when we feel under attack. It's not healthy but sadly it does happen.

I completely agree with you that he's a grown man and he can take responsibility for himself but sometimes even adults need a little guidance and reassurance. If he is depressed he may not even realise it himself and need your support to get him the help he needs.

I know what a lazy man can do to you and can totally empathise with you on that one. That's something he needs to address and if he won't then that's his problem. If you're really not happy then obviously you need to look at the alternative. Everyone deserves happiness. You can't change him but you can change how you deal with it.

Wheresmysocks Wed 26-Mar-14 10:35:19

Thanks Missus I appreciate your advice.

I can't give up on him yet but I am going to ask him to go to the gp as i think he's depressed.

Our relationship probably won't last but I will deal with him for many more years due to the dc. I want to help him so I will but if he doesn't start to help himself I will have to call it a day. I have the dc to consider as well as myself as there isn't anyone to look after me. I know dp can't or won't...

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 26-Mar-14 10:42:39

"Our relationship probably won't last but I will deal with him for many more years due to the dc".

That is really not fair on anyone is it?. Not to you, your man and certainly not your DC. You were not put here to rescue and or save others from themselves. Saying that you cannot give up on him makes me think that you are co-dependent and wanting to rescue and or save him at your own expense. It is more than ok to say no more rather than drag out a dying relationship for your own reasons.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?. Surely not this, you want to show them this as their "normal"?.

Wheresmysocks Wed 26-Mar-14 11:24:28

I meant in so.much as helping him to help himself as we will have many years of contact regardless of our relationship.

It's the very fact that it's at my cost, is the reason I'm not able to continue with the relationship. The realisation that it will always be like this is unbearable for me.

I occasionally need to be supported or cared for but dp isn't able to do that.

Lweji Wed 26-Mar-14 12:00:46

He sounds quite a lot like my exH, although he was also emotionally abusive and eventually became physically too.
He stopped working when DS was born, and was being treated for depression and social anxiety. He did get somewhat better regarding going out, shame about the personality. But even 3 years after separation, he is still obese.

I did not go off him physically, but definitely was put off by his behaviour.

Not sure what to suggest. Only that you should be able to leave a relationship for whatever reasons you have. You are not a bad person for wanting to leave.
It can be very depressing to be alone in a relationship where you are not supported and without communication and you may end up affected if you stay in it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now