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Does your dh meet your emotional needs?

(15 Posts)
kittyloveswashing Tue 25-Mar-14 22:56:48

We've been married for 10 years now but we seem to be just companions.

If I express any emotion he seems to be unable to cope with it and tells me to calm down or to not get upset or swear or whatever. I'm not an emotionally incontinent sort of person but obviously I'm not a robot either.

I told him today that I get nothing emotionally from our marriage and he seemed surprised.

I have nobody to talk to about how I feel and I just feel as though I'm expected to be one of the lads so to speak confused

Mrswellyboot Tue 25-Mar-14 23:01:56

That is sad. The one thing I get from dh is a kind listening ear and good advice. I am fairly sensitive and over analyse a lot and asked him do I annoy him and he said no. He said its good to care.

In saying that, some men aren't into it. I know if I started talking to my brother he would say 'wtf' or shut your gob (he's lovely really)

kittyloveswashing Tue 25-Mar-14 23:11:10

I'm finding it so hard to have a personal relationship with someone with whom I'm not really emotionally connected.

He's a really nice person but I no longer feel like a woman. I feel like a person who's just going through the motions.

Mrswellyboot Tue 25-Mar-14 23:21:43

Would he give you a hug if you're upset? Even if he isn't good at the whole talking thing, you would know he cared.
All you can do is tell him you want more support. I don't know what else to say, maybe tell him it makes you lonely as you feel he is not there for you. If you know he loves you - spell it out to him.

I would be sad about it as you do need your dh to be your friend IMO flowers

kittyloveswashing Tue 25-Mar-14 23:28:24

I very rarely cry but if I do he just sits looking confused at me.

No hugs or anything.

I did tell him that I feel lonely in the marriage. I told him that he should have married a man instead of a woman.

He's not really bothered by this conversation and is just carrying on as normal.

Mrswellyboot Tue 25-Mar-14 23:34:19

One thing you could do is get out and about more. Keep busy in the evenings. Meet up with friends. Go for a swim etc.

Don't revolve our life around him, I don't know if that could work. Are you ok at the moment or under more stress than normal?

He does sound very old school?

mrsjavierbardem Tue 25-Mar-14 23:35:26

I think you are saying some very heavy things to him. Maybe you might be freaking him out. I would go a bit slower, saying he should be with a man is very heavy. He might be feeling horrified and will close down.
A lot of men (and women) need to feel unthreatened and un criticised in order to be open and to listen and be loving.
It's always good to think, am I meeting his needs?
It's a total two way street marriage.
Most of us can fall into just seeing our own needs and not theirs.
Do you have female friends you can lean on?

morethanpotatoprints Tue 25-Mar-14 23:38:30

Yes, completely all the time.
He has done since we first met, and like other couples who have been together as long as we have, there have been many tests of this.

I'm not sure everybody needs this for a good relationship though. Some people don't seem to be bothered by it and others find it hard to show or deal with emotions.

ScarletStar Tue 25-Mar-14 23:42:53

He does give me great emotional support through daily hugs and appreciation. However if I'm upset about something, I need to tell him in plain language what I need, which I think is fair enough. He's not a mind reader. If I don't do this I get a vague smile or an 'aww' whilst he blinks up at me from the laptop, lol.

Was this an isolated incident from your man? If so, I would not encourage you to ltb. However if it's something that's been dawning on you for a long time then maybe this was your wake up call?

kittyloveswashing Tue 25-Mar-14 23:45:20

No extra stress or anything. He is very old school and I don't think he'll change really. Nothing I say would really freak him out. As long as the washing and things are done he's happy.

I don't really know what needs he has. He never expresses them. I suppose he would want more sex but I find it difficult to have sex with someone who is just a housemate.

I have no family or close friends.

StrawberryGashes Tue 25-Mar-14 23:46:35

Yes my emotional needs are met, dp wasn't always so supportive though and was quite similar to your dp. When I wasn't upset I talked about it with him and explained that I didn't feel supported enough or emotionally fulfilled and explained what I needed from him when I was upset. He is now much better.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Tue 25-Mar-14 23:52:42

Yes, in fact DH can go too far the other way. I am still grieving for my mum, who died about 18 months ago with very traumatic surrounding circumstances. Sometimes I just want to be left to cry. DH hates to see me upset & will ask if I am OK, give me a hug, ask if he can help or if I want to talk. But I don't, I still can't talk about it & just want to be left alone.

We deal with our emotions differently. I like to be alone & work through things in my own way. DH likes to talk.

5feralloinfruits Tue 25-Mar-14 23:55:22

Not really no,he doesnt,but i am quite an emotional person so i think most men would struggle tbh.

If i have a problem or am worried about something he would listen to me and offer advice but in general day to day life,i dont feel emotionally cared for (that sounds wrong,i cant think of the word) but yes smetimes it feels just like we live together and he helps me put the kids to bed,and thats it really.

Im hoping it will change as they get older,we have 5 all still very young.

Kiwiinkits Tue 25-Mar-14 23:57:13

Sounds like you both need to invest in reconnecting with one another. Having some fun. A holiday, just the two of you? A week just remembering what fun you can have without the burden of real life. Far far cheaper than a divorce.

nandofriday Wed 26-Mar-14 00:03:28

I have very minimal emotional needs really. The connection I need from DH is just to spend time together and stay updated with each other's news, but I'm not really into hugs or talking about feelings. I rarely get upset. So that can come across as us just being companions to others, but it works for us (as DH is quite similar).

There is a book about the five love languages, it is worth reading and sharing with your DH (DH and I read it when we went for marriage guidance classes). It sounds as if you need love to be expressed in one way and that doesn't match his way of expressing it, but it can be negotiated if you're both willing to make the effort.

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