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husband makes me feel like disobedient teen. need neutral outlook

(11 Posts)
gonnascream Tue 25-Mar-14 21:51:20

In a nut shell my husband is impossible to talk to. Has communication skills and sympathy of a tadpole. So I turn to my friends. 1st time I mentioned quite general stuff to a mutual friend, who then told her bloke, who then told other people, and he ended up not talking to me for days. Said I was slaggin him off behind his back. Then I shut myself off from friends as was too much of a risk to confide in any1. Till i got back in touch with another mate who was going through same thing (so say). After so long of not having any1 to talk to, we both coincidentally broke down and vented to each other. This was my 2nd mistake!! I really thought I cud trust her as she knew what it was like having an overly private and restrictive partner. Today it has all blown up cause she told her bloke what ive said and he has gone to my husband relayin everythin!! He came home quizzin me like a naughty kid and I lied to him, told him they took it out of context because he goes so mad at these things. If I broke down and said that I cudnt take how miserable I am, he wudnt sympathise. He wud kick me wen im down, hed say how dare I tell other people his business like im a kid. I have never slagged him off, just wanted someone to go to wen I feel I cant cope. I have no family and now no friends to turn to. I still dont think its wrong to want to vent to a mate now and again, but he puts me down, sayin im bein inbred, gettin every1 involved in his business. Im not the type to bite my tongue to people other than my husbd. But he says I cant go and ask why they were so eager to reiterate my PRIVATE frustration. Instead I have to put a face on and pretend like nothings happened. Feel like im going mad!!! Is it just me?? Is it normal to go to your friends, and is it normal to expect them to keep it to themselves. I just dont no how to keep everything bottled up without making my mental health problems worse!!! I feel caged. I cant have any1 at the hse cause he doesnt like socialising, he gets a bit funny of I go to them as he thinks I shud be at home doin his t or cleaning or dealing with our 4 kids. I did go to counselling, but he doesnt see the need for it or for paying for it. I JUST WANNA SCREAM OR WALK OUT. But I cant do either. He hit me a few times about 6 yrs ago. We have done a lot to come back from that. He has brilliant control now and just walks away or tells me he is angry. He got a lot of help for it and os a completely different person. I just end up keeping my mouth shut or agreeing with him just incase, so I dont make him too angry. I feel like im stuffy inside. Clogged up with all the stuff I wanna let go of but nowhere to put it!! I feel pretty lost. Anyone else have this??

Anomaly Tue 25-Mar-14 21:57:56

To put it mildly he sounds unpleasant and your relationship sounds abusive. Please call women's aid for advice. You're walking on egg shells and being isolated so it can only get worse. Keep posting you'll get lots of great advice.

usualsuspectt Tue 25-Mar-14 22:02:05

You can rant here, but you need RL help.

Please call Womens aid.

IAmNotAMindReader Tue 25-Mar-14 22:08:11

He doesn't have to hit you anymore because you back down and bottle it up to avoid it because he tells you he is angry. You cannot keep everything bottled up you are correct in that but he doesn't want to hear it because he doesn't want you to even think these things. He is living in an illusion where nothing is allowed to challenge it, not your problems, thoughts or opinions.

Just because he isn't hitting you doesn't mean he is not abusive. He controls what you do, who you see and tries to control how you think.

Call womens aid, make a plan to get out as it will only get worse and yes your mental health is probably going to become a casualty the longer you try to hold it all in.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Mar-14 08:15:23

"He hit me a few times about 6 yrs ago. "

"I just end up keeping my mouth shut or agreeing with him just incase, so I dont make him too angry."

Agreeing with the PP, he's trained you into being obedient. He doesn't have to hit you any more because the fear of it keeps your mouth shut. Please understand that he was physically abusive and continues to be emotionally abusive. The only 'brilliant control' he has is of you.

ThatBloodyWoman Wed 26-Mar-14 08:17:50

The reason he doesn't hit you any more is because you do as you are told.

Please, please, please take advice .

You only have one life.Don't live it in fear.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 26-Mar-14 08:24:45

He sounds vile, quite frankly. Why shouldn't you talk to people about the shit you are going through? It's unfortunate that they didn't keep it to themselves, but if he cares so much what people think he should stop being a fucking arsehole to you.

CarryOnDancing Wed 26-Mar-14 11:18:54

Please get your children away from this man. If you don't you will end up sitting on the sidelines, watching them repeating history and either being abusive or being victim of it.

You will always be stronger than you think!

Finola1step Wed 26-Mar-14 11:35:12

Agree that he doesn't hit you because you back down. You have moderated your behaviour to stop him getting angry. Classic emotional abuse.

When I started reading your post, I was a bit hmmm.. My husband and I don't discuss our relationship issues with others - families or friends. But then we rarely have problems to moan about.

But your situation is vv different. Keeping quiet is actually putting you at risk. He wants you to keep schtum to your friends and family. He wants that distance because it is part of his control of you. The more you talk, the more you tell and this makes his position, as the one in charge, vulnerable.

You need to get out. Call Women's Aid, go to a refuge with your dc. Whatever you need to do. This will not get better. All this relationship is doing is teaching your children that relationships are abusive with one dominant and one submissive partner. Leave.

WisneaMe Wed 26-Mar-14 12:59:03

No real advice but to phone womans aid or any other talk helpline available it is a safe way to get things off your is also a safe place as long as you don't give too much indentifying info.
I agree with others that you are so obedient he doesn't need to hit you now but he is still abusive.

I sincerely hope you leave him in in time.

MadBusLady Wed 26-Mar-14 18:00:34

What they said. The problem here is not your friend blabbing, it's that you're miserable enough to need to vent like that in the first place.

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