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boyfriend being selfish in bed.. its complicated..

(14 Posts)
holymaloney Tue 25-Mar-14 21:22:01

Hello, I would like some advice on my situation with my bf

since we moved in together 6 months ago our relationship has got really good in many ways.. hanging out a lot, sharing hobbies and just generally being quite chilled, but our sex life has become terrible! and the way he is acting is making me really angry

There are reasons that he is down, his dad is dying of cancer and so i understand that he's not as up for it as I would like, but the way he is acting in bed is just not cool in my eyes. We are only actually doing it every few weeks. When we do it I put in effort, dressing up, which i have never been into, finding out what he likes and been up for trying things he is into, but he acts like pleasing me is a chore, and isn't interested in finding out that i like. The last time it was just all wham bam thank you etc, and today, after he went down on me and tried to make me come for the first time possibly ever after i had spoken to him about my feelings on this, literally the second i started to come he pulled his pants down and went for it without even consulting me and got all arsey with me when i kicked him off, telling me how he had just put so much effort in!

I guess I am just unsure about whether this is behaviour that could change or whether it might be linked to him feeling sad...

usualsuspectt Tue 25-Mar-14 21:25:05

I would think if his father is dying of cancer the last thing on his mind is sex.

Give him a break and try to be a bit more supportive.

ALittleStranger Tue 25-Mar-14 21:26:03

The brain is a massive sexual organ and I would cut someone a lot of slack if their dad was dying. I hope he never reads your OP as you come across as very cold towards his situation.

Presumably you didn't just move in with him off the bat. What was sex like before hand? Has he always been selfish or does this already represent a change in behaviour?

Finola1step Tue 25-Mar-14 21:30:17

Blimey. Poor bloke. Can't do right for doing wrong eh? He's probably wondering why he's not getting more emotional support from you, what with his dad being terminally ill and all.

If this is how you think and feel after living together for just six months, then the writing is on the wall IMO.

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 25-Mar-14 21:34:09

Maybe he just needs a cuddle. Tough time for him.

CarryOnDancing Tue 25-Mar-14 21:35:13

Maybe try a little no pressure sex for a while? Can't you just stick to "standard" sex without dressing up and consultations on what each person likes?
I'd recommend a more organic approach to discovering each other sexually right now.
The current approach could appear to him to contain some pressure with too much emphasis on performance rather than intimacy.
If he fancies sex at all right now, I assume it would be to feel close to you and to feel a connection whilst he's feeling low. He's probably not thinking of multiple orgasms and nurses outfits, he may not even be thinking of sex at all? Sex might feel wrong right now with everything that's happening with his Dad?

holymaloney Tue 25-Mar-14 21:35:35

I can see that's how I come accross and I am supportive. I struggle with accepting being treated like a piece of meat with his mood as a reason.. He has always been somewhat selfish in this department.

Late Tue 25-Mar-14 21:36:34

OP I think if you are in his very sad and unfortunate situation in years to come and remember how you behaved right now I think you would feel really awful. I'm not blaming you just saying you obviously have not experienced the sadness worry and very mixed set of emotions that occur at such a time. You really should focus on being supportive right now. Just my opinion but also speaking from personal experience.

AnandaTimeIn Tue 25-Mar-14 21:37:44

yes, his dad is dying so give him some slack...

Doesn,t mean he can treat you like shit.

And er, s,not only about sex!

Late Tue 25-Mar-14 21:38:24

Just seen your last post - if you feel this way then dont allow yourself to be in this position. Support yourself and then you can be supportive to him.

holymaloney Tue 25-Mar-14 21:38:33

we are intimate, we cuddle, talk and laugh, but sex isn't a form of intimacy for him i guess.. He instigates this sort if kinky sex rather than me...

usualsuspectt Tue 25-Mar-14 21:39:43

Why did you move in with him then?

ALittleStranger Tue 25-Mar-14 21:42:05

If feeling like a piece of meat is the problem, how is dressing up going to help? You're making it all about some male fantasy without actually addressing either of your needs, and piling on a lot of pressure in the process.

Finola1step Tue 25-Mar-14 23:15:05

I'm a bit confused now. So what is the actual problem? Lack of sex or how your DP treats you sexually? Or both?

This isn't sounding too great after just 6 months living together.

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