It's been 6 months since I wrote this thread, and I don't seem to have been able to move forward in any way. 
He hasn't done anything since and has been apologetic and attentive and trying his best to regain my trust since then. He's very open about where he is etc. But I just don't trust him. I still have a nagging feeling that he has cheated even though I haven't discovered anything to suggest he has.
What can I do? I feel like it's no longer a healthy honest relationship (well if it ever was in the first place). I feel like I don't really know him, and I'm scrutinising everything he says in case it reveals something. I constantly check his phone, his facebook, emails and internet history. I don't want to live like this, but I love him, I want to be with him. I don't want the kids to have to go through the pain of their family breaking up. But I just can't get past this, I've tried so hard. Should I give it more time? Almost 20 years is a hell of a long time, I've spent more than half my life with him, can I really have been wrong about him for all that time?
Fuck!
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Relationships
How can a relationship survive when the trust is gone?
MojitoMadness · 25/03/2014 20:53
I'm sorry you're feeling so wretched about it all. I've just read your other thread so know the background.
I think you should ask him to leave. Not necessarily forever, but I think you need this trial separation in order to take back some control over your feelings and decide where you want to go from here. If you decide to work on your relationship this time apart will be invaluable.
Lack of trust will kill a relationship. But it's not fidelity that's actually the issue here, is it? You may never find evidence enough for cheating to galvanise you into action because he might not actually go that far. The issue is that you don't trust him to treat you with respect and love when the chips are down. You are terrified that the second you take your eye off the ball, his wandering eye will return. That's not an equal partnership with you both having each other's back. It's placing all responsibility for the health of the relationship on one partner's shoulders, and that won't work.
The porn issue is also a concern. No one needs porn, not like they do food or shelter. And while sex and emotional bonds with other humans may also be important in the hierarchy of needs, I'm pretty sure that porn use isn't. It's a perfectly legal recreational pursuit at best, and a seedy misogynistic one at worst, but it's certainly not a need. While I'd be very 
about one partner telling the other what they are and are not allowed to do in terms of interests and hobbies, I'd also argue that unless that interest and hobby is particularly important to you, why would you continue to do it if you know it causes your partner distress? Does he feel his desire for porn is more important than how you feel? If he does, that's his right but he needs to recognise that it's not compatible with a relationship with you and leave.
From reading your OP I suspect your DH is basically a decent guy who has fallen into the self-deluding trap of thinking that because he hasn't actually slept with anyone else, he hasn't cheated. He probably tells himself that kiss long ago doesn't count because you "were on a break" 
, that the porn use doesn't count because "everyone else does it" and he secretly believes your views on it are vaguely hysterical.
Whether he can snap out of that complacency is debatable. The fact that you've already had couples counselling doesn't bode well for that, but he'd probably be better off having individual counselling TBH, to discover why he needs to seek validation through sex. Until he addresses that, he's always going to be the sort of man at risk of an affair because if he's feeling low for whatever reason (not necessarily his relationship with you) and the female attention makes him feel better, I seriously doubt his ability to extract himself before it goes too far. He may not intend to have an affair but he'd almost certainly sleepwalk into it.
I think he needs the experience of life without you for a while in order to focus his mind on what he stands to lose unless he gets a grip. I can't see anything else making him tackle this seriously. And IMO you need to see him taking it seriously in order for this marriage to stand any chance of happiness.
Good luck.
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