Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Are men in general just awful?

(47 Posts)
Redredrum Tue 25-Mar-14 20:27:56

I've just been screwed around by a bloke. Most of my boyfriends have been total arsewipes at some point.

My dad was a shit dad, totally self obsessed and never paid for me.

My friend's dads and boyfriends are the same, if not worse- cheating, violent etc.

I never want to have a relationship again. I'll just end up getting hurt.

I know lots of you will come on and say how some men are good but right now they seem like the exception, not the rule.

worldgonecrazy Tue 25-Mar-14 20:31:44

You are right, the good men are the exceptions. Sad but true. It seems to fall to women to change things, which is also sad, but why should men change if women tolerate their behaviour? The idea of being a decent person as its own reward seems alien sad

Redredrum Tue 25-Mar-14 20:35:04

Thanks. I'm decided then, I'm going to be single forever

OhWesternWind Tue 25-Mar-14 20:40:02

No, there are loads of great men out there. My dad was one, my current bloke is fantastic, I know my son will grow up into a wonderful man too.

There are some shits out there, male and female, but most people aren't like that.

Yama Tue 25-Mar-14 20:45:18

Most - probably.

All - no.

Numbers wise, most men I've been involved with were either okay or not too bad. Dh being great. My Dad and brothers lovely too.

However, I work with highly educated people who think of my dh as some sort of superhuman because he does, you know, his fair share.

BeforeAndAfter Tue 25-Mar-14 20:51:04

No. I've just broken up with a fabulous bloke. He will make the right woman very happy - I'm just not the right woman for him which makes him the wrong bloke for me.

I do agree that the men who are looking for relationships are the minority but, like gardening, you have to hone your skill in weeding the others out.

HyvaPaiva Tue 25-Mar-14 21:03:21


My male relatives, friends, and my DP are all fantastic people.

Terrible people are terrible regardless of gender, so some men will be awful and it's a real shame you've encountered them. But in general, definitely not.

kaumana Tue 25-Mar-14 21:03:24

I have the flip side of your life experience with men OP. The men in my close and extended family are wonderful individuals. My close friends partners have on the whole are great partners and good role models for their children.

Of course,there is the odd arse who has cheated or been EA or worse. However, I have known females who have done the same to their partners.

I'm sorry you have had such a bad experience.

ALittleStranger Tue 25-Mar-14 21:07:00

No. Every boyfriend I've had has been a genuinely lovely person. Most of my coupled up friends are with fantastic people.

Sometimes it's better to look for the common denominator rather than tar half the population.

EllaFitzgerald Tue 25-Mar-14 21:09:23

No, they really aren't. Just as all women aren't any particular trait. A few years ago, I was in the exact same position as you. A horrific father and every male I'd ever had any sort of relationship with had treated me badly. I truly believed that all men were like that.

And then I realised that all the men I was surrounding myself with were very similar, so I changed my priorities. I put attributes like kindness and principles before dominance and what I thought was 'Alpha' male behaviour. I'm now married to my best friend, who I'm besotted with, and who treats me like I'm the most precious thing in the world to him.

The men around your friends sound pretty unpleasant but that doesn't have to be your life.

Redredrum Tue 25-Mar-14 21:10:57

Am I the common denominator? sad

ALittleStranger Tue 25-Mar-14 21:12:28

Well you are one of them, but there's probably something else, in that you're repeatedly screening out the nice guys (as boring perhaps?) or not alert enough to reoccurring red flags.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 25-Mar-14 21:19:35

I do think that what you grow up with has a huge influence.

You perhaps subconsciously feel that you are not good enough for a 'nice' man, or you've become normalised to wankerish behaviour and it doesn't make you think 'yuck' and walk away soon enough?

I was very lucky - my father and both my grandfathers are and were lovely men. Good husbands, good fathers, hard working and principled. The vast majority of the men I know as friends are similar, and so is DH.

I definitely went through my share of dross on the boyfriend front before I met DH though - but the red flags always became apparent pretty early on.

ALittle has a good point - are you screening out the good ones by thinking they are dull? It is a mistake most women make at one point or another!

EllaFitzgerald Tue 25-Mar-14 21:35:11

Ali is right. If you've grown up with a horrible male role model, you'll think that violence, aggression etc is completely normal, and if you see the fathers and partners of friends behaving in a similar way, then that belief is reinforced. You don't recognise red flags, because to you, it's expected behaviour (as it was to me). It's not your fault that these men behave the way that they do, but if you keep picking the same sort of men, then you're going to keep getting the same experience.

The butterflies are not always excitement. Sometimes, they're a symptom of anxiety.

CrystalBeth Tue 25-Mar-14 21:49:50

Honestly, I think the vast majority of men are shits. I'm pretty convinced I will never find a nice man. I am now with a woman and very happy.

ApplesinmyPocket Tue 25-Mar-14 22:21:32

No, truly they aren't. I have some lovely men in my life and always have had, both relatives and partners. And I have female friends with good, kind, loyal men. So they are out there. My DDs haven't been so lucky tho - nothing awful, just selfish immature types who don't seem to want long-term anything.

But I know there ARE many good men around, so good luck to you OP, I hope your faith is restored by meeting some good'uns, it seems to be largely a matter of luck.

olathelawyer05 Tue 25-Mar-14 22:22:27

"Are men in general just awful?"

Men are pretty much the only demographic in relation to whom you can feel free to even pose a question like this openly.

If you were to change 'men' in the question to any other identifiable demographic of people (e.g. women, black people, Jews), you would immediately be accused of some form of negative 'ism'. But apparently, people are quite comfortable in openly referencing men as group in this way.

FastLoris Tue 25-Mar-14 22:27:47

Maybe it's hard to answer the question without more information about exactly what behaviours you're objecting to. What kinds of actions have all your boyfriends done that made them "arsewipes". If you told us, we could probably give a clearer answer as to whether most of the men we know do those things.

From what you've said:

My dad was a shit dad, totally self obsessed and never paid for me.

Well it's still the case that a majority of couples with children stay together, and of those that don't surely SOME of the dads continue to pay up in good faith. So I think we'd have to say the majority of men are not like that.

cheating, violent etc

Statistics are pretty reliable and consistent that about the same number of women as men cheat at some time in their relationship. So it may be that PEOPLE are letting you down there, and just aren't trustworthy enough to be worth your while getting involved with.

I don't know how many men are violent. I find it hard to believe it's a majority, but that's just based on my own experience.

SplitHeadGirl Tue 25-Mar-14 22:35:19

There are without doubt a lot of men who are woman-hating, difficult, aggressive....I wouldn't like to think about the numbers because I think I would be afraid at the outcome!!!

But having said that, even though there are a lot of men who are crappy, there are also men out there who are gold!! I married one, after years of dating shits!! And you can too!!! No, you WILL!! smile

GillTheGiraffe Tue 25-Mar-14 22:35:36

I wouldn't give one house room - even if it does mean washing my own car.

stroudd Tue 25-Mar-14 22:38:19

Most women are bitches in my opinion.

SplitHeadGirl Tue 25-Mar-14 23:07:05

Haha twitchy male loser.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 25-Mar-14 23:13:17

My dads amazing. My brothers are lovely. One if my brother in laws is great. I have lovely male colleagues. Lovely male cousins. My first love was great. My children's father not so wonderful but that was bad choosing skills grin

olathelawyer05 Tue 25-Mar-14 23:18:03

Would that make CrystalBeth above a female loser? She's pretty much coming off the same page did as stroudd.

bigredstapler Tue 25-Mar-14 23:20:04

Dunno if they're all rubbish but I've thrown in the towel.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: