New man can't get hard

[Limpparsnip]

I am a long long term poster but have NC for this as it's a bit embarrassing.

I have been seeing a guy from work for a while. I resisted at first because he comes with a bit of baggage (so do I tbh) and I didn't want to complicate our lives. He wore me down though by being SO attentive and basically charming the pants off me!

It's been 2 months of sexual frustration and flirting but we finally got in a position to have sex and... Nothing. He just couldn't get hard at all. I am surprised how hard I have taken this (no pun intended), I just felt like he lost his desire, although he seemed quite angry with himself and said it had happened just because he liked me so much and was nervous.

Could that really be the case and what's to say it won't happen every time we try to have sex? I know it wasn't his intention but it felt like a fairly big rejection of me when I was at my most vulnerable.

God, I just feel terrible about the whole thing. I'm seriously thinking about calling time (as nicely as possible) on the whole relationship because I don't know how to deal with this.

[wallaby73]

It's very VERY common for this to happen to men the first few times with someone they really really like and find hugely attractive....however bad you feel, rest assured he will feel so much worse added to that really humiliated. It will get better but does take time....don't give upon him!

[Limpparsnip]

The whole thing is just SO embarrassing though, I was moaning in his ear how much I wanted him in an (I thought) alluring way and there was just nothing... I feel like as much as he says he wanted it, obviously on some level he didn't.

[JustAfloat]

Sorry, not much help but I just laughed out loud at your nickname

[Limpparsnip]

I'm sure he does feel bad, in fact at one point he slipped out of the room 'to have a word' with himself and even said to his penis 'don't let me down' at one point - I know he was piling the pressure on himself and I'm sure feels humiliated, but I do too and I don't know if I can go through it again if it's going to happen again - and it probably will now won't it?

[Limpparsnip]

Thanks Float, I was trying to be topical!

[ScarletStar]

It would embarrass me too if he went out the room to have a word with his penis!! Don't give up on him though. He sounds as if he was genuinely nervous and wanted things to go well, and that pressure makes the problem worse.

If it happens again (I'm sure it won't) ask him to give you lots of 'treats' instead ;) focusing on that might make him hard.

[ouryve]

Nerves can be very cruel, unfortunately. Don't write him off, yet.

[onlyjoking9329]

Sounds like he could do with a bit of a hand?

[withextradinosaurs]

Can you have an honest chat and ask if he knows this is an issue for him?

[MyPrettyToes]

I feel like as much as he says he wanted it, obviously on some level he didn't.

Not necessarily. It really is true that men can put themselves under so much pressure they can't perform. It really has nothing to do with how desirable he finds you.

Both your reactions are really bad for him. Best thing would have been to laugh it off and just kiss and cuddle. Now it is the 'Big Issue'. So it is very likely to happen again.

If you think he is worth the effort have a chat with him. Next time you want to get intimate DO NOT aim to have PIV. Explore, cuddle, kiss, massage, whatever... but your goal is not to have penetrative sex. If the pressure is off then he is more likely to just get into the moment and the performance anxiety will not be an issue.

[HauntedNoddyCar]

An ex of mine had this happen. It was down to putting too much pressure on himself. It's many years ago but iirc we just did everything else until he was ready. On about go 3 it was fine and fine thereafter.

Don't give up yet.

[Limpparsnip]

I feel sorry for him too but... This has happened to me once before - and we had three absolutely horrifyingly embarrassing attempts before we have up. He never spoke to me again either, wouldn't even look at me.

This new guy claims to be 'besotted' by me and even said he had butterflies when we were together just before we tried to have sex. Despite all that it still felt like rejection when he looked at me, kissed me, touched me... But obviously didn't physically respond.

I know the absolute worst thing to do is to pressure him and I tried to reassure him that it didn't matter. But I can't lie, it does. I can't go through that for him to stop talking to me if it happens again.

[MirandaWest]

My bf was like this when we first slept together. I decided I cared about him enough to keep on trying. It helped that he was very good at doing other things that didn't need a hard penis. And now it is nearly always obedient :)

[Lweji]

I'd lay off the pressure and see if things improve.
The first time can be very stressful to both.

I'd not rule it out just yet.

[Limpparsnip]

I know I've made it an issue, I didn't mean to but I have. I tried to give him a hand (oral) but it was so soft it was just embarrassing to try and carry on.

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

You say you also come with baggage. Is any of that self esteem based?

It's not necessarily that, on some level, he doesn't want to have sex with u! Why would he go that far if he didn't?! I'm sure it was nerves or potentially he has this problem more often than he'd like to admit.

I'd definitely give him more chances. Go easy on him, he could be worth it

[MyPrettyToes]

Honestly Limpparsnip (brilliant nn btw), it really isn't about you. I hear that a very large portion of the male population will have ED at least once.

It happened to my DH when we were ttc DC2. We just laughed about it and had fun other ways and it magically was not an issue again.

[ALittleStranger]

Have you only tried on the one night? If so definitely give it another go. I've had this with a couple of ex boyfriends (and likewise when I knew they were keen and they'd been a bit of build up pressure) and the relationship quickly progressed to fully functioning sex.

[LoisPuddingLane]

I'm not a bloke but I've been in situations occasionally where I fancy someone so much I can't even feel any sensation. I can't explain it, it's sort of like nervous overload. Take it as a compliment for now.

[HippyPottyMouth]

It happened to DH at first, but once he relaxed it sorted itself out. Give it another go.

[BeforeAndAfter]

It happened the first few times with my only-just-ex. He said it was because he needed to get to know me (I was the pushy one) and because he really really liked and wanted me. Anyway, fourth time lucky and he turned into Mr 5 times a night - the most passionate, thoughtful, wonderful, reliable lover I've ever known. He just needed to know me better - the sign of a decent chap I think. We've split up for other reasons, 11 months in. I backed off and just went with the delicious snogging. BJs totally terrified him and he lost the plot on those for quite a while after his erection showed up. He got the hang of BJs too though! For the record I'd decided that if his erection hadn't appeared after a month or so I'd be out of there as I need a good sex life. but, as it turned out, so does he. Good luck!

[Hissy]

Has he had this happen before?


I went out with a guy, things moved quickly, he pursued me and pursued me.

Had multiple items of baggage too. In the end he got weird, stonewalling, controlling AND he couldn't get it up. I called it a day.

It took a couple of calls to 101 to convince him to back off though.

Maybe back off the relationship a bit, see what happens. Tell him that you'll both cool it, take the pressure off him, see what happens.

What is your deepest gut feeling about this guy?

[FastLoris]

I hope you don't mind me being frank but I think you're being pretty insensitive, TBH.

You know, it does happen that women follow a flirtation right up until they're in bed, because it all seems right, and then find at the last minute that they "can't perform" too. The psychology is the same even if the physical symptoms are not quite so obvious.

Men are always being told not to think of women as sex machines that can be relied upon to put out on demand, but to be sensitive to the complex emotional realities affecting relationships and sex. Surely the same thing works the other way around. Just because somebody has a penis doesn't mean those realities are any less complex for them, or require any less understanding.

I'd laugh it off, focus on enjoying your time together both in bed and out of it, and see what happens. Loads of men experience this at some stage, it doesn't really mean anything terrible.

If it becomes an ongoing problem as the relationship goes on, then you need to talk frankly with him about whether it could have a physical basis, and think honestly to yourself about whether it's worth you being in the relationship. But there's no reason to be thinking along those lines just because of one bad night.

[whatsthatcomingoverthehill]

Please please do not think it reflects on his feelings towards you. Nerves really do have an effect. In my experience trying to 'help' him get hard only piles on the pressure even more. Back off completely from trying PIV but if he's happy doing other stuff then let him. Seeing that you can still turn your partner on will help him relax and it might not be such an issue.