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Should I help him pay off our debts?

(116 Posts)
ToPayOrNot Tue 25-Mar-14 14:52:15

My DP left me a few months ago. Not really any problems in our relationship, he just decided it wasn't what he wanted.

We have no kids together, but I have one. He left me with no notice, and he financially supported me (I earn just a few hundred a month from self employed work), so I was pretty screwed and needed to run up credit card debts and borrow money from friends just to survive / pay rent etc. Total accrued by me in debts is about £5000 over four months.

I also, for the first time in my life, fell behind on a few payments and got stung a bit of my previously perfect credit card debt.

I tried for months to get my DP to reconsider, to go to counselling, to try and work on his loss of love for me, but he had checked out of the relationship and said it was pointless.

He is now asking me to pay him money towards our debts (all in his name) accrued during the relationship.

I don't want to be immoral, but he had left me as a single Mum on benefits and I now have debts myself from what he did and a bad credit rating.

He's left himself financially screwed as he really needed my few hundred a month.

What is the right thing to do?

ToPayOrNot Tue 25-Mar-14 14:54:01

He also treated me horrible in the breakup. Gave me 48 hours to find a new place to live, with a kid. We lived together for 6 years. He broke it off with no notice and would not discuss any possibility of reconciliation or even discussing properly what his issues were. As far as I knew we were happy until the day he left.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 25-Mar-14 15:19:38

Morally maybe you should but as a mum if be focussing on my child and myself now. The fact he treated you so badly (48 hours to move out after 6 years??!???) would help with any guilt I felt.

Papaluigi Tue 25-Mar-14 15:23:03

Say to him you'll pay, if indeed you feel like you should, then pay at a rate you can afford. Sounds like you're having a few money issues of your own, so I shoudlng think you can pay much.

keepitall Tue 25-Mar-14 15:24:07

Pay him what you owe him and no more. If those debts he has acquired are through his own spending don't pay him. If they were supporting you and your son then pay him back. I take it you were a single mum before you met him so if he has been a good surrogate father for a 6 year relationship you should do the decent thing.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 25-Mar-14 15:27:46

Even if he threw her and her child out with 48 hours notice??? That's not enough time to get finances, benefits, more work sorted- this then led to her being in debt.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 25-Mar-14 15:28:34

It's a tricky one...I know morally it's wrong but honestly, the debts are in his name and she has a child to support. Very tricky.

Bogeyface Tue 25-Mar-14 15:30:47

Morally wrong, but tell him to stuff it. If he wanted a nice amicable "lets sort the finances" break up then he shouldnt have chucked a mother and child out with 48 hours notice. The trauma to my child alone would be enough for me to tell him to stick it up his arse.

Ludways Tue 25-Mar-14 15:31:54

Morally, yes. BUT you have a child to support and he doesn't care, sod him!

WhosLookingAfterCourtney Tue 25-Mar-14 15:33:07

Tell him he can help pay off your £5000 debt too.

If not, then he can whistle for it tbh.

LineRunner Tue 25-Mar-14 15:34:05

Are you still in the home you shared together but paying for everything? Or did you move out too?

Logg1e Tue 25-Mar-14 15:35:13

Can you clarify?

Whilst together, you both ran up debts in his name.

When you split up you had no assets, because they were in his name.

Since the split you have run up debts.

Buckteethjeff Tue 25-Mar-14 15:37:28

Is it not actually fraud?
I've you ran up someone else's credit card with out their knowledge you could well be prosecuted.

The whole 48 hours shit is horrible but he has every right to go police, sorry.

Buckteethjeff Tue 25-Mar-14 15:38:52

My understanding is...

Dp asks you to move out with in 48 hours
You move out and run up his credit cards?

Bogeyface Tue 25-Mar-14 15:39:33

Buck His debts are debts from the relationship in his name and he is asking her to help pay them. Her debts are in her name after he chucked her out with nothing to her name, so not fraud at all.

fubbsy Tue 25-Mar-14 15:40:53

YOU have debts because of his behaviour. 48 hours notice to find a new home for yourself and your child - that is immoral IMO.

Buckteethjeff Tue 25-Mar-14 15:42:21

Ah I see - severe sleep deprivation.

Ah well fuck him!

mammadiggingdeep Tue 25-Mar-14 15:50:14


Dahlen Tue 25-Mar-14 15:51:24

I would deduct about £2500 from whatever debt he claims is shared and which you agree you benefitted from and then pay him the rest in affordable instalments you can afford, even if that works out at £5 a week, which is customary for those on benefits.

Being left high and dry by her XP has cost the OP £5000. Morally you could argue that he is liable for half those debts just as much as she is liable for half the debts accrued during the time they were together.

If you leave a job you usually get a month's notice. Asking your partner, with a child in tow, to sort her life out within 48 hours is unreasonable, no matter what the circumstances of the split.

You could go on to argue that a ruined credit rating and the higher cost of borrowing that has caused will affect her for at least 12 months. Add on to that interest, etc and £2500 seems fair to me.

How much debt does he have in his name OP?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 25-Mar-14 15:51:31

Morally speaking my arse.....he kicked a woman and her child out, leading her to debts.

He can go fuck himself royally sideways.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 25-Mar-14 15:53:19

Yeah I agree...I don't think it's tricky anymore....fuck him. Sort yourself out financially and let him do the same.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 25-Mar-14 15:53:47

Also, what are the debts for, and is he reaping benefits/suffering due to these debts.

Because If they are for furniture and various stuff, he still has, then he gets nothing.

ToPayOrNot Tue 25-Mar-14 16:15:18

I missed out an important detail.

I gave up my job to go and live with him (I had no debts before he came along, I had a great job and was doing well supporting myself and my child) but I moved and left everything behind to be with him.

Where he lived I was in an area with no decent jobs for me (I am in a specialist field and it was an area with few employment opportunities) and I could not take any old job because childcare / transport costs would have eaten up whatever I earned and with him in the picture I could not claim assistance with childcare costs.

Hence, me working only part time from home was a situation I was put in in order to make a life with him. We had some back luck, hence the debt.

We decided as a couple the best thing for me to do was start my own business in my specialist field. I was working on this when he left. So he really made a mess of my life.

All my friends and family are telling me I am nuts to pay him a penny, but I want a clean conscience that I have done the right thing.

Logg1e Tue 25-Mar-14 16:17:43

Because he's been so unreasonable about these debts, is there a risk that you might apportion him too much blame?

ToPayOrNot Tue 25-Mar-14 16:20:26

I also can't help agreeing with Bogeyface that if he wanted a nice, amicable separation where we worked out fair arrangements for finances he could have treated me fairly. He could have given me a months notice, enough time to sort a place to live, enough time to make a plan for my life.

My child and I were going from B&B to B&B to keep a roof over our heads and he hasn't given a toss about us. I didn't even have proof of income or anything I needed to rent a house. I ended up having to go to the council's homeless office.

He didn't even offer to help me move my stuff out and I had to pay someone to do it. He was absolutely horrible, and as I said...absolutely no warning it was coming. The day before we were looking at wedding venues!

Yes, he was a great surrogate father, but he's not seen my child or asked after him since the day he left and I have had to get counselling for my kid to try and make sense of it.

Does him not completely screwing my life and abdicating all his responsibilities mean he has a bloody cheek asking ME to treat HIM fairly now?

Sorry, I am very angry. Will probably end up paying him. I'm a sucker like that

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