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Whattsapp/online dating/General phone behaviour

(13 Posts)
ameliasmama89 Tue 25-Mar-14 11:36:58

I know all above is going to lead to "leave the bastard"... I just need to know I'm not going mad and making this out to be more then it is.

Back ground story: been together 5 and bit years. It's had it rough patches but always worked through them, and now have a DD who is 20 months old.

A few months back, OH borrowed my spare phone as he was broken. He's into all of his technology so the phone wasn't good enough. He got another second hand phone which was slightly better but the battery was terrible on it, so was using my phone as a back up when his phone was charging. I asked for my phone back to check my old contract SIM as only certain people have my new number. Which he mumbled about going to his mum's, then I could have it back after. He came back in not even ten minutes later making up an excuse that he called his mum from the car. She was out. Fine, but then he gave me back the phone, he had taken out my memory card. I asked him why he done this, and he said that he didnt want his stuff saving onto my memory card. I replied something along the lines of, " you wouldn't of taken it out if you didn't have anything to hide". He didnt reply. My gut feeling was to check, every folder stored on it. I found a picture of this girl I know, and a picture of his male friend. When I question him, he said that his male friend had sent him the picture of the girl cause the friend still got a thing for her. This could be genuine BUT I also know that my OH had a thing with this girl before we were together.. Red flag number 1?

A few weeks back we were cuddling on the sofa, he was on his phone and an icbon popped up with some wording. He cleared the status bar pretty quickly. So I asked what it was. He said it was an gaming app that kept sending him notifications so he uninstalled the app before he even finished the sentence.. hmm. Red flag number two?

OH finally got a decent phone but then DD jumped on it. The touch screen stopped working. So back to using my phone. This time I asked for it to check my SIM again, there was excuse after excuse. He let me use his phone to check my SIM but was Very cagey with his phone. I wasnt allowed to touch it orginally. I made the point of it being my SIM, I can do it myself. He turned the phone around to show me no messages. I also needed to check voice message. He was fiddling about on his phone, for a few seconds then he dialed it and gave me the phone. After, I cut the call, there was loads of incoming and out going calls from un saved numbers. I asked who they all were, he said it was people from gumtree ringing him about ad that he was looking for a phone. This also could be true, but cause of his earlier actions, gut feeling saying it's completely dodgey. Red flag number 3?

So, last night I finally got access to my spare phone, which him knowing. I took out my memory card and looked into it again. Stored under Whattsapp profile pictures, were pictures of three girls. I havn't confronted him yet, I know he will simply talk it down. Red flag number 4?

I was on my playstore for apps when that icon from the very beginning of the post came up in the suggested box. "LOVOO" very distinctive, heart made up of brightly colours segments. Anyway, I downloaded, and made a fake profile. No picture though. I searched through the area's he could of could of put down as his home town but nothing came up. You can't search by name. I'm now kicking myself that it didn't show him on there, and my thinking is that if he is on one, he's on more. Red flag number 5?

In general, he is always on his phone. When he laughs or makes a silly face I ask him about it. He said it's his male friends in a whattsapp group chat together, having a bit of banter. Sometimes, he shows me, other's he don't. In the last few weeks I've stopped asking him. From finding the pictures of the girls, I'm now wondering if he is actually talking to them, and the banter is actually them flirting.

He is really guarded with his phone too. Always in his pocket. Sleeps with it under the pillow. If I try to get the remote control, he asks what I'm doing, and passes it me. His laptop is password protected, and I wouldnt even have a clue where to start to guess any of his account passwords. I also have limited access to his Facebook page. He has said he has tried to sort it out, and I'm not the only one who can't access it all (family members have the same problem). I think he has put some sort of app on my tablet that stores passwords too. I've changed my Fb and email passwords because I was hacked, and made sure I logged out of them all, and didn't use the save password option. Went back on to it, and both are signed in after he had been using it. All be fat red flags?

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 25-Mar-14 11:55:09

I dont mean to be harsh, but youve answered your own questions.

Im sorry this is happening to you.

What will be the final straw?

thanks

onetiredmummy Tue 25-Mar-14 11:58:16

You have instincts for a reason & right now they are screaming at you!

Things that strike me most:

- The keeping of the phone under the pillow & not allowing you to touch it, ever.

- The software he installed on your tablet so he can access your email/FB at any time (presumably to see if you had emailed a friend with your doubts about him).

- Have you asked his family about the limited FB page & whether they do have the same issue, or is he lying?

Its all suspicious behaviour, some of it acutely so! He's unlikely to log onto a dating site under his own name, so perhaps even though you didn't find it doesn't mean its not there. there are red flags to me, yes. However, there's also behaviour missing that I would expect to see as well, such as:

- Deflecting the suspicion back onto you, accusing you of not trusting him, saying you're being annoying & he can't deal with you or minimising.

- Long visits to the bathroom or another room where he can chat or send pics of himself in private

Does he do these?

At the end of it is your relationship happy? Do you have a good sex life & do you think he's having affairs now or is he in the pre affair stage.It seems fairly obvious that you don't trust him & you can't have a relationship without trust.

What I would do is: Tonight I would accuse him of trying to find other women & demand to have a look at his phone. If he refuses then the instincts are correct, he's hiding & I would kick him out.
Or I would sneak his phone from under his pillow at night & have a good look at what's on there, & take it from there.

ameliasmama89 Tue 25-Mar-14 12:00:24

This is the last straw, I need out for my own sanity. It's having that conversation, and putting words into actions I need to be strong, I need to do it for me. Thanks for fast reply xx

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 12:07:59

Because of his behaviour, you no longer trust him

End of meaningful relationship, surely ?

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 12:08:48

Oh, and before you wobble under his pitiful denials of wrong doing, remember you don't need any more proof

You don't trust him, the end

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 25-Mar-14 12:10:58

It must be awful living with him behaving like that.

I think you need to confront him sooner rather than later. Dont give him the opportunity to delete everything. If he has nothing to hide, then fine, he'll show you everything. If he is hiding something, then he should leave. If the tables were turned, would he mind you hiding your phone etc?

ameliasmama89 Tue 25-Mar-14 12:17:43

Onetired mummy: Sorry I'm on the phone so slow at replying

- the few friends I do talk about him too is always face to face, so not much he will find other then spam emails. My Facebook is also very innocent. I know that's not the point though!

- Yes, his aunts live about 4 hours away, so only way to het up to date with our DD is through Fb. He has to send her pictures through private mail other wise she can't see if posted to his wall/profile. His sister also commented that she couldn't access much either just profile pictures and basic info.

- I also looked for profile with no pictures but similar info to his, but need in a hay stack.

- Definitely minimising it all, and asking me all the time, what I am doing, where I am going, who I am seeing etc. I am a sahm, so all my daily outings are baby clubs etc for DD

- Visits are no longer then normal, other then the car thing in the first thread. I do go to bed alot earlier then him though, and works in an office and has access to his phone all day.

Does he do these?

We have sex aybe twice a week. He would have it more if it was down to him, but if he doesn't come to bed I amnot waking up just for him. I thought we was happy, but all this rubbish says other wise.

I have the picture s of the girls on my memory card so I definitely have proof he's been talking to others, I need to see them. He will not willing give it up so will try sleek it tonight. If that doesn't work, I'll confront him bit I dint see him owning up to anything.

Xx

ameliasmama89 Tue 25-Mar-14 12:22:14

Onetired mummy: Sorry I'm on the phone so slow at replying

- the few friends I do talk about him too is always face to face, so not much he will find other then spam emails. My Facebook is also very innocent. I know that's not the point though!

- Yes, his aunts live about 4 hours away, so only way to het up to date with our DD is through Fb. He has to send her pictures through private mail other wise she can't see if posted to his wall/profile. His sister also commented that she couldn't access much either just profile pictures and basic info.

- I also looked for profile with no pictures but similar info to his, but need in a hay stack.

- Definitely minimising it all, and asking me all the time, what I am doing, where I am going, who I am seeing etc. I am a sahm, so all my daily outings are baby clubs etc for DD

- Visits are no longer then normal, other then the car thing in the first thread. I do go to bed alot earlier then him though, and works in an office and has access to his phone all day.

We have sex maybe twice a week. He would have it more if it was down to him, but if he doesn't come to bed I amnot waking up just for him. I thought we was happy, but all this rubbish says other wise.

I have the picture s of the girls on my memory card so I definitely have proof he's been talking to others, I need to see the conversations, they could be innocent BUT with all the rest of the behaviour I am 95% sure it's not. He will not willing give it up so will try sneek it tonight. If that doesn't work, I'll confront him bit I dint see him owning up to anything.

Xx

graceholl Tue 25-Mar-14 12:24:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onetiredmummy Tue 25-Mar-14 12:34:40

No worries smile

Its pretty easy to manage your FB like this for privacy settings & its 50/50 whether the issue is FB based or his settings choice.....could be either. I have to say though if he's using your spare phone for all this bollocks then he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer is he!

Sorry my love, looks like its coming to an end due to his behaviour but you can't live like this.

Do you have a plan? Do you need help with what to do next if you leave him? brew

ameliasmama89 Tue 25-Mar-14 12:50:49

No plan as of yet. Try to get more evidence, and then confront him. He will have leave, tenancy is in my name. He will go back to his mums, 10minutes drive. The flat is in my name, he was never on the tenancy. Get keys back. If only it will be that easy, it's all the emotional crap that comes with it, I need to be strong.

Sorry if I'm not applying to you all individualy, hoping this covers most of your points. I am heading out now to baby group so will reply when I can.

thanks

ameliasmama89 Tue 25-Mar-14 12:52:20

Just repeated myself with the tenancy bit. Baby brains still 20 months on grin
xx

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