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Young gamer boyfriend cant cope with having a family of his own

(46 Posts)
73pinkelephants Tue 25-Mar-14 08:36:11

Hi ok so the story is... im alot older than my bf he will be 24 next month, we have a child together who is coming 3 in a few weeks, and i also have 2 other children at home from previous partner. My bf works 5 hrs a day 5 days a week then comes home sits and plays pc or console games for mostly the rest of the day until he comes to bed. He doesnt help much around the home the only thing he does with the kids is taking up to bed putting a dvd on for them and saying goodnight MAYBE on a good month he might take his son to the park or out for a car ride. Bills day to day running of the house and the kids is up to me to sort out, i even have to help him organise things like the MOT on his car because otherwise it wont get done. He has admitted he is lazy and quite happy just sitting at home or going fishing with a friend but always has an excuse if i ask for us all to go somewhere as a family (usually money) So anyway i have been nagging him alot as you can imagine to join in find some get up and go take hold of the responsibilities he chose to take on ( btw he chased me not the other way round ) When we first met he was full of determination he knew exactly what line of work he wanted to do how he was going to do it etc and was a real boost to my self esteem now nearly 5 years down the line its the opposite he drains my energy and i really wish he could just see what he has here. So yesterday morning at 5.20am the usual time i have to wake him up for work as he cant wake himself up, he was moaning at me again about how being a mum at home is so less of a job than packing groceries, the job he does as he hasnt started on with that career yet, i told him to get out not come back etcsad not for the first time) He came back after work and said hes not happy, he cant handle everything he thinks he should move out get his own place that would be a 2hr drive away get a job with better money and sort himself out. This has made me angry because i myself have found some help (cbt) for my anxiety that has come on these past couple of years and i am working on that within the home id love to runaway and have some time out frrom life who wouldnt? but we dont becasue we have family! when we first got together we talked ofc about the age difference and me having kids already and i agreed i would help him find his feet with it all and teach him family life, responsibilities etc to give this relationship a GOOD chance as we really wanted / want on my part it to work out. I know most replies will probably be along the lines of well should of known what you were getting yourself into with a much younger partner so please try not to be too judgemental about that and i really think hes plenty old enough to have home and child responsibilities but advice would be good thanks all.

BertieBotts Tue 25-Mar-14 08:42:14

Of course he's old enough to take responsibility.

But, you can't make him. If he's not going to shape up and do it himself then he needs to move out - don't for one second mother him, it will not only get you stuck into that dynamic where you're always cleaning up after him and/or telling him what to do, it will kill the love between you. What grown adult would fancy an overgrown teenager?

Seriously, I had my DS at 20, moved out did it all on my own from 21, DH came along when we were both 22, he has ALWAYS taken responsibility right from day 1, of course he wasn't involved with DS until the relationship was serious, but he was serious about DS and me and he's not even his biological dad. He does also like computer games, but he doesn't play them CONSTANTLY, his family responsibilities come first always.

It's not an age thing, your BF is just an immature man-child who hasn't grown up. Let him move out. Sounds like he could do with the shock of having to do it on his own TBH.

Bogeyface Tue 25-Mar-14 08:45:14

The thing is, he was 19 when you got together, you dont say how much older you are but it seems that he has done his growing up with you and now wants to move on.

From what you have described, it really does seem like you have been a mother substitute for him, with him assuming you would do everything. The part time job, gaming all hours, not pulling his weight, he sounds like my son for the last three or four years (he is 23 now) and who has got his act together in the last year, got a decent job and has now moved out just this week. He is engaged, but that only happened at Xmas, he is only just now in a place where he is ready to settle down.

I think that the best thing you can do is let him go. He will learn to stand on his own two feet for a change, which is something he needs to do. And if he comes back, then you will know it was meant to be. I dont think that hanging on to him will change anything tbh.

I am sorry though, he certainly shouldnt have taken on the responsibility of a child when he clearly wasnt ready, and expecting you to do all the work.

Seminyak Tue 25-Mar-14 08:48:21

So you have 4 kids then sad

For reference, I'm 24, married and own (well, have a mortgage on) a flat in London.

Is he depressed?? That much screen time would make me depressed/could be an escape from feeling depressed?

73pinkelephants Tue 25-Mar-14 09:19:03

Thanks all, yes i have 4 kids, 1 is away at college so isnt in the scene. The older one at home is totally aware of how little my bf does though he gets on well with him in a lot ways . Its very difficult having to make a choice of whether to give up on someone who i actually do really love and care for especially with it meaning that another of my children gets to have no dad around for them. Btw i have a feeling if he does move out it will be a 2 hr journey to his mums house sad Is he depressed im not sure but i know i am, hes always been a gamer so its nothing new he was the same when he was at his mothers house sitting in a room all day/ night playing games when he wasnt at work part time

Madratlady Tue 25-Mar-14 09:20:09

His age isn't really the issue, I am 23 and all of my male friends of the same age have left home, all work full time, some are married and own a house. A couple have children. My own dh loves computer games but me and our ds always come first. Your problem is having a lazy, selfish 'd'p. Sorry you're having to put up with it.

I would let him move out and carry on with life without him, it certainly doesn't sound like he adds much to your life other than more work for you.

MatryoshkaDoll Tue 25-Mar-14 09:24:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklysilversequins Tue 25-Mar-14 09:26:30

I think his age IS an issue. Everyone's different, some people might be ready to settle down at that age but many won't. He was only 19 when you got together and I think that sadly it sounds like he's ready to move on. I don't think you can keep him tbh, you'll both just get unhappier.

I think you need to be aware too that you may become a safety net for him and there may well be some to-ing and fro-ing if things aren't as easy as he expects them to be there out there is the big, wide world. That can only lead to heartache for you.

It's so hard I do realise that but I think the only thing you can possibly do is let him go gracefully. He may well try to come back in the future when he realises that this was the best he could have done but I wouldn't hold my breath for that if I were you.

EirikurNoromaour Tue 25-Mar-14 09:29:06

You have a child away at college and a 3 year old with a 21 year old partner? I'm sorry but I am going to be judgemental here, what was your motivation in getting together with someone so young? So close in age to your eldest? You are a grown woman who has taken an unformed young adult and basically agreed to parent him alongside your own children. I don't think that was a very mature decision or particularly fair to be honest, as he clearly wasn't mature enough to handle the kind of relationship you wanted. Some 18-20 year olds are, but this particular one wasn't.
You are now firmly entrenched in a mother/child dynamic with him which will be nigh on impossible to break out of.

pictish Tue 25-Mar-14 09:52:50

A friend of mine spent a few years with a younger gamer boyfriend. What a big, selfish baby he turned out to be...they are no longer together. She finally ran out of patience and respect for him, and ended things. Even then it took a year to get him out of her house.

I wouldn't give a lad like this houseroom unless I had given birth to him...even then it's dicey. I have no inclination or time to be cosseting anyone who sits back indulging themselves with childish bollocks, while there is a household to run, children to care for, and work to be done. Not every day. Not all the time.
It's a very unjust way of conducting things...deliberate and unkind. It forces the partner who is not a juvenile idiot to take on everything by themselves and also the weight of the lazy arsehole that is their partner. They end up 'nagging'...there are rows and upset, simmering resentments.

You'd have less responsibility, stress and work without him OP.

My dh is a gamer btw. I think a lot of people are. He is also an adult living in the here and now. We both pitch in and make sure everything is up to date in so much as we are both happy with, before taking to the 'screens' and flopping out. I Fb and Mn...he WoWs.

73pinkelephants Tue 25-Mar-14 09:53:45

well eirikur your points are welcomed ofc but like i said i didnt chase him he chased me. I had no idea at the start of his age, it wasnt important as we were just friends and he came accross as being very strong minded and yes im older, 41 actually, but he was 19 not 15 and made the choice to be with us very willingly i cant be held responsible for that. my son at college was 12 when i met my bf btw.Why im here is to look for advice if i give up, or if not, ways to make this work!

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 25-Mar-14 09:56:23

You now have the choice to accept what he is: a selfish child.
Or to get rid of him.
Id split up if I were you. Its not working and you can't make it work on your own.

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 25-Mar-14 09:58:00

It makes no difference who chased who. You chose to have a child with a 19 year old gamer who only worked part time and lived with his mummy. Unfortunately, he hasn't grown up.
I feel your life will be better without him sponging off you.

TwelveLeggedWalk Tue 25-Mar-14 09:59:32

It's not an equal relationship, it's not making you both happy, it's not modelling a great way of living to your children. From what you've said I think you would all be happier apart.

MellowAutumn Tue 25-Mar-14 10:02:00

He chased me I didn't chase him ? - I usually hate judgemental posts but that cop out as if it makes any decisions afterwards ok really sums up why you are in the pickle you are in - you had a baby with a baby.

Fairylea Tue 25-Mar-14 10:05:13

It's nothing to do with age. It's just different priorities and personalities.

My dh is nearly 8 years younger than me, we have a toddler ds and I have a dd aged 11 from my first marriage. Dh works 55 hours a week, I'm a sahm and we share everything, finances and childcare and everything else. He's lovely. I met him when he was 22 and living with his mum. He's always wanted his own family and is a true family man.

My ex on the other hand is nearly 40 and still leads a bachelor lifestyle. He will never be happy settled down and behaved pretty much like your current boyfriend.

I'd get rid / let him go and be on your own for a while and then maybe in time someone more suited to your lifestyle may come along.

pictish Tue 25-Mar-14 10:08:39

I wasn't going to get into the while age gap thing, because people keep telling me it's just a number, and that 20 yr olds can be really mature and all that. I don't agree with those sentiments on the whole, but I try to remain open minded about it nonetheless. I am not unwilling to be proved wrong.

I have to say though...what Eirikur says about you being locked in a mother/child dynamic forever more is highly likely.

I am 38, and I would never get into a relationship with a 19 year old, no matter how doggedly he pursued me. Imvho there isn't a single 19 yr old boy on this planet, mature enough to be considered as my life partner.
I would tell him to trot on.

pictish Tue 25-Mar-14 10:11:55

That's an 18/19 year age gap, come to think of it. wouldn't be me.

Twinklestein Tue 25-Mar-14 10:12:50

he was 19 not 15 and made the choice to be with us very willingly i cant be held responsible for that

I think you can take responsibility for the decision to get into a relationship with someone that young. However willing a 19 year old was to get into a relationship with me at 41, it wouldn't happen. Having made that choice, I don't think it was wise to get pregnant given his pattern of working part time and gaming for the rest of it.

The empowering thing to do in this circumstance is to take full responsibility for all your decisions with regard to this relationship, accept he was too young and immature for the role you had in mind for him, and take control of your life without him.

pictish Tue 25-Mar-14 10:14:26

I agree Twinkle.

73pinkelephants Tue 25-Mar-14 10:17:40

Thankyou everyone for your input, both of us are at fault and a decision will be have to made. thanks.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 10:19:02

Oh dear. Admit to yourself your relationship hasn't worked out and let him go. You are flogging a dead horse.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 25-Mar-14 10:44:26

Sorry op I have to agree his potential was never there for what you have been expecting of him. Having a baby by him was on reflection probably a little naive, but that ship has sailed now, and until he has grown up and seen a bit of life he can not be expected to make the decisions and commitment you have expected all along.

You took a boy and tried to make him a man before he was ready, to be honest I don't think that was fair on either of you. He was a hormonal horny teenager when you met, you should have known better and instead of giving him house space, sent him away with a flea in his ear.

UserNameDenied Tue 25-Mar-14 10:57:24

What a very sad situation. What's done is done and all that ...but, seriously, what were you thinking!!!!
If only you hadn't had a kid together sad
My advice would be to get some professional help and to stop being a mother figure. At 23 he is still has plenty of time to mature. There is still hope that he can get his act together.

BertieBotts Tue 25-Mar-14 11:11:35

Same as pictur - my DH is a gamer (lives, works, breathes computers. Also does 60% of the housework and puts DS to bed 3 or 4 nights a week.) he is grown up. I don't think this man is grown up sad Unfortunately you can't drag him kicking and screaming into the adult world, he has to do it himself.

We are only 25 and I often think that if I'd had my head screwed on when younger I wouldn't be married with a child yet because often I feel too young... but when it's happened it's too late, you have to get on with it. You can't leave it all to someone else because you feel too young to cope with it all.

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