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An I wrong in thinking that this is quite normal?

(63 Posts)
pyjamaramadrama Tue 25-Mar-14 00:04:19

For your sex life to die down a bit when you have children/have been together a long time?

Lately, the past two months or so we've hardly had sex, ds is 5 now so it can be difficult.

We were having sex two or three times a week at least, about two years ago ds walked in on us one early morning, I was absolutely mortified. He was only 3 so I'm hoping he will never remember. But I can't relax the same way.

I've asked dp to put a lock on the bedroom door over and over but he hasn't done anything about it.

We're always knackered last thing at night and I've been bleeding really heavily lately not on my totm (think I may have had a very early miscarriage). So that hasn't helped either.

Dp likes to come onto me weekend mornings when ds is downstairs watching TV but I just don't think that this is right.

I've suggested we have a few nice nights when ds is in bed, light a couple of candles, or have a film night, which might instigate something in the early evening, but he shows no interest.

I've suggested we go out and ds stay at families house, but he's not interested. I've begged him to surprise me one afternoon even with just a drive out, go for a walk, picnic in the car, we've enough people who'd gave ds for a few hours, but he's never done it. I've asked him to book a day off work while ds is at school and we will stay in bed all day, again I'm met with nothing.

Yet he is accusing me of not loving him, it must be that I don't fancy him, our relationship is dead because we don't have sex.

It's only been like this a couple of months and we did actually have sex this morning which I instigated, as we were up so early.

He's being unfair right?

pyjamaramadrama Tue 25-Mar-14 00:07:05

Sorry that should read we were having regular sex up until a couple of months ago.

We have enough people willing to have ds for a few hours or even overnight.

And he is saying our relationship is dead.

HillyHolbrook Tue 25-Mar-14 00:41:42

It's normal for your sex life to quieten down a bit, but your DP doesn't seem to be behaving normally.

Are you saying he only wants to bother with sex when he decides it's time to, and isn't up for trying your other ideas? If he isn't willing to make the effort, then it's his fault if your relationship is 'dead.'

It takes two, and you've had all these nice ideas and all he does is try it on when you're uncomfortable. If he wants things to change he needs to be more open to try things you want. It's selfish otherwise, and he must not want to rekindle things if he can't be arsed to try.

MexicanSpringtime Tue 25-Mar-14 01:34:42

The idea of a child walking in while having sex would completely turn me off though I honestly don't know what the effect on the child would be.

pyjamaramadrama Tue 25-Mar-14 07:03:05

I feel it's an insult to say that just because we haven't had much sex for a couple of months that our relationship is dead. As surely regular sex isn't what defines us.

And yes I do think there's no point only coming onto me when ds is downstairs.

I think it must be fairly normal for it to be a bit more difficult to have sex when your children are older and have to make more effort to find time.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 07:08:04

I think it's odd that he is vetoing proper child fr

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 07:09:33

Sorry posted too soon

He is vetoing proper child free time that many couples would kill for but coming on to you when he knows you are not comfortable with it

What's that all about ?

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 07:11:11

To me, it looks like he is setting you up to fail, with the idea that he can say "he tried but you didn't"

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 07:14:04

Any new habits with his phone, social life, internet usage, work colleagues of the female variety etc ?

I expect you know where I am going with this. I hope you can dismiss it out of hand, but something isn't right here.

pyjamaramadrama Tue 25-Mar-14 07:19:14

I don't know why that's what I can't understand if we had a night or even an afternoon out or in it's very likely we'd be more in the mood.

But then he's also accused me of only caring and arranging things for ds and treating him like an accessory. which I fail to see when I'm asking to go out alone without ds.

Offred Tue 25-Mar-14 07:36:01

Agree with AF, why is he setting you up to fail?

Could he have started seeing someone else? It is often a sign of an affair if suddenly someone starts being and inexplicable arse and starts blaming you for making the relationship shit.

pyjamaramadrama Tue 25-Mar-14 07:40:22

It's possible of course although I don't think he is.

Blaming me for making the relationship shit is fairly typical though.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 07:44:00


Slapperati Tue 25-Mar-14 07:47:02

I think he is being weird and unpleasant.

But it's also fine to have quiet sex while your DS is downstairs watching TV, if you want to. He doesn't always have to be out of the house.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 25-Mar-14 07:48:30

Say to dp straight you are unlikely to want sex with him when he treats you less like a desirable partner and more like an orifice. If everything has to be on his terms and nothing you suggest is ever good enough it doesn't make for a pleasant atmosphere. His remark about the relationship being dwad will turn out to be a self - fulfilling prophecy.

Btw maybe get yourself an appointment with GP see if everything is all right?

Kaluki Tue 25-Mar-14 07:49:07

Selfish arse
He wants you to be there for sex on demand regardless of your feelings but won't put in any effort!!
Why does he come onto you when you clearly aren't up for it then refuse to do anything which would get you in the mood!
I agree with AF - is he usually this selfish it is this a new thing?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 25-Mar-14 07:49:18


AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 07:49:47

Why the gp ? confused

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 25-Mar-14 07:50:59

Bleeding out of sync with her usual cycle.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 07:53:01

Ah, I see. Yes, get the bleeding checked out. I think that is a different matter to the fact that your H is acting like an arsehole though.

pyjamaramadrama Tue 25-Mar-14 08:18:25

Just to clarify I don't like having sex when ds is downstairs because he keeps coming up and we can't always hear him then listening out is so off putting. But I have asked dp to put a lock on the door.

I have sex with ds in the house but would prefer evenings when he's asleep so we won't be disturbed or early in the morning but preferably with a lock on the door in the morning .

LIZS Tue 25-Mar-14 08:21:16

you can't put a bolt on the door yourself ?

fortyplus Tue 25-Mar-14 08:27:34

Put a lock on the door yourself - it's a simple job so why wait for him to do it. That way you're making a statement that you want to rekindle your sex life. If he then still doesn't take an interest you have a problem. Good luck op!

pyjamaramadrama Tue 25-Mar-14 09:00:47

I wanted a handle with lock which I'd be less inclined to want to do, but the lock on the door is only one tiny part of it. He's the one complaining so he could do the lock/handle or whatever.

It's the sulking and lack of enthusiasm that is depressing me. I'm not suggesting we only have sex when ds is out but a night out or even just making an effort in the evening would help to relight the spark instead of just constantly trying to have a quiet quickie.

mummytime Tue 25-Mar-14 09:10:38

"It's the sulking and lack of enthusiasm that is depressing me"
This I believe is why someone suggested your relationship is dead.

Not the lack of sex. That sounds like a side issue.

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