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How long after affair do you start to feel 'normal'?

(12 Posts)
holdtight Mon 24-Mar-14 21:24:33

I am still working through issues with my dh post his affair and was wondering if anyone else could help me with the timescale of when things start to settle down/stop checking up. Is there ever a time when you finally start to feel like you are out of the woods? How long does it take?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 24-Mar-14 21:29:01

holdtight, not until you've accepted what has happened and stopped being in denial of what has happened. There's no possible recovery until that point, whenever it is.

Has your husband stopped lying to you now?

Chickens123 Mon 24-Mar-14 21:46:11

I don't know if there is a time scale. Things have changed and will never be the same. They may be better, stronger between you and DH, but they will never be the same. The time frame depends on what you want, do you want to to forgive him, feel safe again, feel trust in your relationship, or something else? Maybe for him to say sorry. Some people say talking helps, but the pain of betrayal by this man may go eventually. I hope it does. Good luck. X

tessa6 Tue 25-Mar-14 00:46:55

the general rule is 2 years since the last lie. Whichever path you choose.

Caitlyn2014 Tue 25-Mar-14 02:31:38

Holdtight I was just looking for your other thread to see how you are and it seems to have gone. I was concerned abt you.

In answer to your question though lyinwitchinthewardrobe has it right. But I also want to say to you that I think its probably unlikely you will be able to move on because deep down inside you know the situation you are in isnt really conducive to moving on from.

You are having this fight with youself for a reason. Please listen to what is being said to you - by you.

But besides that, I've been thinking about you and hope you are getting some peace even in short bouts from a head and heart that must be going like a spin dryer.

PTFswife Tue 25-Mar-14 05:36:56

Hi Holdtight

I was wondering how things with you were going. I found out about my husbands affair at the end of august last year. I went through a very intense trajectory but once I had made my decision that we should stay together, and knew he was committed to us, it started to normalise.

It took three months before I could have sex with him again, and another two months of being fairly emotional as we went through our couples counselling. But I would say that since the beginning of March things have felt 'normal' I.e. We don't discuss the affair all the time, it isn't top of my mind all the time and for now in a happy marriage. Obviously I still think about it and we do talk about it, but we have reached a point where we can almost laugh about it. I know that sounds strange as it isn't a laughing matter. I do still have a kernel of distrust inside me and I know we have a number of big anniversaries coming up that aren't going to be easy to handle.

Like today. It was a year ago today that he met the OW and although the sexual side only started a month later, the flirtation started a year ago. Which is why I am awake at this early hour. Because it is still in my mind. But I know that I can go downstairs and tell my husband how I feel and he will hold me and comfort me and say how sorry he is for the hurt he has caused me. And I believe that he is sorry. As I said on your other thread, I have been able to move on because he has been 100% honest and has taken responsibility for his actions and I have managed to forgive him which has let me let go far quicker than if I hadn't.

I hope that helps. X

nooka Tue 25-Mar-14 05:45:07

I'd agree with a general rule of thumb of round about two years, but there are a huge amount of variables. For dh and I it was really only after we separated that we truly began to rebuild, and we didn't separate until about 18mths after I got the proof of his affair and challenged him with it.

So for us it was almost four years (including two years living separately) before we started our 'new' relationship. That was six years ago now and the affair seems like the ancient past. Possibly because we have almost 25 years of history together, so it's easier to see it as a blip along the way.

Caitlyn2014 Tue 25-Mar-14 09:38:55

Holdtight, two ladies here have had, or are well on their way, to their happy ending but its relatively clear they didn't have to do it on their own. That's the difference between their situation and yours. PTFswife has mentioned he husband was 100 per cent honest with her - yours hasn't been. This is what I meant when I said your situation really wasn't conducive to moving on from and that deep down inside you know it, its why you are having fights with yourself.

xxxx

MatryoshkaDoll Tue 25-Mar-14 09:51:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatryoshkaDoll Tue 25-Mar-14 09:53:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PTFswife Tue 25-Mar-14 10:04:37

Holdtight - I agree with Caitlyn - your husband really does need to be honest with you in order for you to move forward. It is impossible unless he is prepared to tell you everything, work to put it behind him, be there for you when you want to fall apart and rage at him, understand why you are upset and support you through it.

This morning, my DH brought me coffee in bed. I told him about the date i.e. that it was a year ago that his affair started. He hadn't realised and sat quietly on the bed, looking very sad, before hugging me and saying 'I am so sorry'. He has to live with his actions for ever. He knows it, I know it. It's why I can forgive him. People make mistakes. Big mistakes. They can even make the mistake worse by continuing it. But if they are prepared to accept responsibility for it, be honest and open about it and do everything they can to make amends, then you have a fighting chance.

You need your husband to get to that point before you can heal.

Caitlyn2014 Wed 26-Mar-14 12:22:05

It matters not a jot if you come back to this thread or not. I would just like you to know you're being thought of.

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